Snape's Wife/Toadkeeper/Acronym for Fudge

[ladjables]

No: HPFGUIDX 35742

Don'tquitehaveatheoryyet, but before "Mrs. Snape" is
rejected as an entirely implausible and ridiculous
notion, and consigned to the trashheap of discarded
ideas, answer me this: is there any evidence in the
canon that Snape is NOT married?

I remember JKR replying to a question about Hogwarts
professors having spouses.  IIRC, she stated that they
haven't been introduced yet for a reason.  Now, this
could mean that any of the teachers, from Dumbledore
to Flitwick, could be married.  Why not Snape?  I
mean, Snape has a huge fan club on this list, who's to
say in Potterverse he doesn't have a wife somewhere,
an apple-cheeked housewitch who lives in their small
cottage with the white picket fence, tending the
garden and darning the little Snapes' socks?  Snape
strikes me as the kind of man who would love and
benefit from having a homemaker wife!    

I know, I know, your mind rebels against this picture
of Snapey conjugal harmony. But JKR has a gift for
turning the obvious on its head.  Perhaps we've been
stereotyping poor Severus all along, assuming because
he stalks around by himself that he's a loner, and his
less than stellar people skills would make a personal
relationship impossible.  But!  All we really know
about Severus, aside from being mean and petty, is
that he's an intensely private man with a dark past
linked to Voldemort.  Would he be the kind of man to
display photos of his wife, or of the first cat
Severus jr. poisoned?  I think not.  But a wife may
well be the key to Severus.
   
Loving Wife Scenario: 
Perhaps she rescued him, helped him overcome his
disappointments in life, and maintain his sanity.  He
pours his heart out to her everyday, explaining how
much he hates that dreadful Potter child, and how he
wishes he could abnegate his responsibilites to
aforesaid brat.  Or he worries about the future,
because of his Death-Eater past.  But, Mrs. Snape
allays (not eliminates) Severus' fears, reminding him
that Dumbledore has vouched for him, and she will
always love him no matter what.  But for that powerful
palliative and torturing Neville, Snape would not be
able to make it through life.

Obviously, Mrs. Snape could be Severus' undoing, in
more ways than one.  Perhaps that's why he's on edge
in GoF, he realizes that the impending clash with
Voldemort could render connubial bliss obsolete.  He
has everything to lose this time, like those who
defect from the Mafia and try to build a new life,
only to get caught by their old associates.

Shrew Scenario:
Mrs. Snape is actually a miserable fishwife who drives
poor Severus to drink.  That's why he's always nasty
to his students and snarling at everyone-problems with
the missus.  And who knows if there's marriage
counselling in the Potterverse, unless Dumbledore
moonlights.  He develops a headache at the end of GoF,
just imagining the diatribe she'll unleash when she
finds out Voldemort is back.  Then there are the more
ominous undertones:  Could Mrs. Snape be/turn evil? 
Could she be used against Severus?

Widower Scenario: 
Perhaps Mrs. Snape was murdered, and that was Snape's
wake-up call to leave the Death-Eaters.  Snape as
widower?  It could work, can't you see him, driven mad
with grief, vowing never to love another living thing?
 Snape seriously reminds me of Heathcliff sometimes,
losing his one true love, not just to another man, but
to death.  Incidentally L.O.L.L.I.P.O.P.S works well
with the Heathcliff complex.  But anyway, with
Voldemort back, Snape begins to plot revenge, and it
gets him unnaturally excited. 

But I'm putting the cart before the horse.  I was
trying to figure out what kind of person the elusive
Mrs. Snape could be, and I hadn't even discovered her
identity!  So I decided to review all the brilliant
ideas already acronymmed and archived.  I suppose he
still could have carried a torch for Lily all along. 
Perhaps he was behind the greenhouse with Florence and
she's Mrs. Snape after all!  Maybe Sirius even dated
the future Mrs. Snape, and this still grates on poor
Severus' nerves!  It's not the kind of thing that
would make them closer.  Imagine what was going
through his head when he realized Sirius Black was
back at Hogwarts, and he had to shake hands with him! 
Memo to self: get Florence a chastity belt.  

So I settled on that, Florence isn't Mrs. Lestrange,
she's Snape's wife.  And there's a reason why she
hasn't turned up...

Perhaps she's at home, the Happy Homemaker, and JKR
has some speical plan for her.  I wondered, as they
were contemporaries, if she had been Lily's friend? 
It's not necessary, but it's intriguing.  Now, if
she's not dead, and not with Severus, are they
estranged, and why?  Sirius?  Oh the possibilities...

Okay, I know this isn't Harry Potter Turns, but I
would really love to get feedback on this, because I
think it would be a significant development if Snape
had a wife.  It adds another dimension to his
character, and ups the ante on what's at stake. 
Happily married, dead or estranged, what is her
infuence on Severus? If not dead, who is this mystery
woman-Sirius' ex-lover, Lily's friend, or was she
planted by Voldemort to keep an eye on Snape?  Eh, too
Total Recall.  But could she indeed betray him?  Does
Snape want to protect her, or does he suspect her?  If
she is dead, is her death the reason he switched
sides?  The floor is open for discussion.

Pshht! you all say, Snape has a missus!  Now look
here, would you really be surprised if JKR sprung
something like this on us?!  Tabouli, would you oblige
me with an acronym?
  
Cindysphynx wrote:
>The *real* reason Uncle Algie desperately tries to
>force magic out of Neville (and the reason Gran 
>cries when it finally works) is because Neville is
>the Longbottoms' ToadKeeper.  

Cindy, I have to ask, were you thinking of Taran,
Assistant Pigkeeper when you wrote this?! 

Inspired by Fudge's struthious attitude, I'd like to
make a contribution or two to the Fudge Acronym
Collection(please don't laugh, I'm no Tabouli):
H.E.A.D.I.N.S.A.N.D.-Hypocritical Effete Asinine Dolt
Is Nefarious Servant, Actually Nursing Darkness
O.S.T.R.I.C.H.-Ornamental Stubborn Toady Reigns
Incompetently; Catalysis for Horror

Ama/ladjables, who would have a heart attack if
Snape's wife is the witch with the lunch trolley
aboard the Hogwarts Express. 




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