Mrs "Methuselah" Norris, Kittygro Cocktail, Clothing Cop-Out, dead owls

[Tabouli]

No: HPFGUIDX 36289

Cindy:
> Mmmmm.   Welllll.  Hmmmmm.  I'm kinda having some trouble here.  If 
Mrs. Norris is a witch involuntarily imprisoned in a cat's body, why 
would Dumbledore allow this to continue?  Hogwarts is the safest 
place to be with a Dark Wizard like Voldemort running around, after 
all.  Dumbledore could rescue Mrs. Norris by breaking the dastardly 
cat-spell, and allow her to live, uh, right there in Filch's 
quarters at Hogwarts.  She'd still be perfectly safe.<

Ahhh, but what if Mrs Norris was the uber-spy who out-Snaped Snape, out-wormed Wormtail, and sent dozens of Death-Eaters to a timely grave by sneakily passing on information gleaned from her wicked, wicked husband?  What if (Tabouli wracks her brains for something which might tempt Cindy) ... She Led The Ambush??

OK, so then why is Snape allowed to stay human, whereas Mrs Norris has to live in a basket and eat Whiskas?  (You find it hard to understand why an innocent woman would spend 10 years as a cat, so to speak?)  Well.  You see, Snape was never properly sprung.  He started out as a Death-Eater and is still fawning on Draco, torturing students and being generally nasty to keep everyone guessing.  We don't know for sure, but the contrast between his public and private behaviour suggests Voldemort may still think Snape's on his side or at least retrievable.  Mrs Norris, on the other hand, was sprung like a mattress.  *Everyone* knows she betrayed her husband to the good side.  However, as evil Mr Norris was bumped off by Moody before he could tell anyone he'd cursed her into a cat (a fitting punishment because she hated cats, maybe?), they *don't* know he cursed her into a cat, and assume she is dead.  Only Filch, Moody and Dumbledore know the truth, and they encouraged the rumour of her death to keep her safe until times become bad enough to take the risk.

Cindy (whose funny feeling that Tabouli was not going to go for 
this tweak was uncannily accurate):
> What if Mrs. Norris is a really, really old witch?  (...) Filch (...) falls hard 
for Mrs. Norris, finding he can appreciate taking life at, uh, her 
rather slow pace. <
>
> Then Filch's own family decides she's not good enough for him, and 
they turn her into a cat in an effort to make him forget her.  (...) Filch pleads 
with Dumbledore to break the spell, but he won't because 
transforming Mrs. Norris back into a witch will mean she has 
precious little time to live.  Filch, grief-stricken, decides he'd 
rather have Mrs. Norris alive as a cat rather than dead as a witch.<

Hmmmmmm (says Tabouli darkly, groping around for the can(n)on controls on her FLIRTIAC dinghy).  Judging by the unexpectedly long life of clawless Scabbers, and the rehumanised fingerless Pettigrew in balding, chubby form, I'd say an Animagus in animal form ages at the same rate the human would normally and carried over all physical infirmities.  Hence the 200yo cat form of Mrs Norris would probably be an arthritic, moth-eaten, toothless old cat reluctant to budge from her favorite sunbeam even for her daily serve of kitty-gruel, as close to death as Mrs Norris-human would be (rather than a one-cat assistant in espionage).  Nice try, but no walking stick.

Hang on a minute, the kitty-gruel's given me another sinister possibility which avoids the above issues... perhaps Mrs Norris was catified not by a curse, but by a Potion!  Yeah!!   Maybe Mr Norris wasn't a vengeful volcano after all, but a foul, festering schemer, Head of the Experimental Potions Department.  He found out what she was up to, but he decided to bide his time, lull her into that ol' sense of security while he brewed up a killer Kittygro Cocktail based on the Polyjuice Potion, and slipped it into her pumpkin juice.  Lo and behold, she turned into a cat by a means for which there was No Known Antidote!  Bwa ha ha!  And so fall all catty women who cheat on The Norris!

However, unbeknownst to Mr Norris, his young assistant Snape was not all he seemed.  Mr Norris, recognising Snape's unusual talents, collaborated with him extensively in the development of the Kittgro Cocktail, assuming that Snape, a fellow Death-Eater, would applaud its use for Evil Ends.  Snape, however, was already spying for Dumbledore (having had a crisis prompted by the Potterkill Plot), and couldn't help wondering, between heroic attempts to protect the Potters, what his bwa-ha-ha-ing boss was brewing.  Knowing that Mrs Norris was likewise a secret ally of the Good Side, he fears the worst when his boss seizes the completed Cocktail one day muttering "this'll show her, the catty little spy" and Apparates.  He swiftly pieces it together, summons Dumbledore, Apparates to the Norris house and arrives just as Mrs Norris is finishing her pumpkin juice and before Mr Norris can kick her into a sack and drown her (the way he drowned her pet cat weeks earlier).  He and Dumbledore obliviate Mr Norris and pack him off to Azkaban, and take the cat back to the safety of Hogwarts.

Dumbledore, specialist in Transfiguration (as we know), tries to fix her but fails.  Snape explains about the Kittygro Cocktail, and how Mr Norris especially designed it to have irreversible effects (and alas, what Potions do, only Potions can undo).  Dumbledore shakes his head sadly, and tells Snape that once the Potters are out of danger, he will hire him as Potions Teacher, so that he has the time and resources to research a cure.  Snape goes off to cover up Mr Norris' disappearance from the Ministry and continue his spying, Dumbledore goes with a heavy heart to tell Mrs Norris' devoted lover Filch the news.

Filch, of course, is devastated.  He begs Dumbledore to be allowed to work at Hogwarts, so he can be with his beloved in her darkest hour.  As he is a Squib, the only position Dumbledore can offer is caretaker, which he takes up sadly, his catified lover teaming up with him to keep her spying paw in for the day Snape (who returned to Hogwarts devastated after Lily's death to become Potions master) finds a cure.

Far-fetched, I hear you say?  Where's the canon, I hear you say? (Tabouli unleashes not one, not two, but *four* can(n)ons, One From Each Book!)

1. Filch and Snape are, so far as we can see, the most anti-social people in Hogwarts.  Surly, bitter bullies both, but with something that looks suspiciously like a *friendship*.  Perhaps the touching scene in PS/SS where Filch (!) is tending Snape's Fluffy bites is not just bitter bully bonding.  No, it's empathy and reciprocation at work!  Both turned from sour to bitter after losing their lovers in the war with Voldemort.  Moreover, Filch knows that Snape not only knows about his tragic secret, but is devoting hours of research to the one thing that matters most to him in the world... curing Mrs Norris.  (Could even Snape and Filch not be friends under such circumstances?)

2. In CoS, Hermione accidentally puts a cat hair in her Polyjuice Potion, and ends up in a semi-cat form not for an hour, but for several *weeks*.  What could this be but *foreshadowing* the perils of mixing cats into transformation potions for future reference? Sounds like a case for the Department of Experimental Potions to me... a bit of tweaking, and a Kittygro Cocktail with irreversible effects is well within the bounds of possibility, I say.

3. We *know* that Snape is a Potion-maker of rare expertise aware of recent developments in the area, because in PoA he makes the Wolfsbane Potion for Lupin.  We also know that Potions is considered a bit of a poor cousin to the average "foolish wand waver", and that few wizards (Dumbledore, despite his power, included?) bother to master it.  Hence it's quite plausible that no-one would know how to reverse a potion-induced curse, and that Snape could be assigned to research a cure.

4. In GoF, when (IIRC) Snape is snarling at Harry for Stealing Polyjuice Ingredients (triggering Snape's memory of the Norris incident), he suggests that he might one day slip a little Veritaserum into Harry's pumpkin juice.  A mere throwaway line?  Or a strategy Snape has seen used before to devastating effect??

I think the evidence before us is clear, ladies and gentlemen, so much so that I might take some time out from LOLLIPOPS and rewrite the FLIRTIAC manual...

The Charismatic Charis:
> So, Peter left his robes behind him when he transformed. * Was* he 
naked in the Shrieking Shack then? Ugh, ugh, shakes self violently 
trying to rid brain of horrible new envisioning of scene. Nope. Won't 
work. Stuck with it. Bother.(...)
>
> OK, so maybe an Animagi can either keep or loose their clothes 
depending on what suites their needs? Pettigrew wanted to leave his 
robes behind as evidence that he'd been blasted to bits, whereas 
Sirius clearly prefers to remain dressed. Or maybe a wizard can 
conjure up clothes and instantly dress himself * while* he's turning 
back into a human, sort of in the same way Dumbledore magics up 
sleeping bags or Black makes heavy manacles appear out of nowhere.<

It's the Clothing Cop-Out, I say!  Cop - Out!  The Author's Convenience Clause!  Spectacle marks, schmectacle marks.  All this wussy, toe-in-the-water "their clothes and everything they're carrying conveniently vanish into a parallel dimension and reappear in human form" claptrap.  Tcha!  Nope, I say if you go in, you go in all the way.  A fantasy author who wants to put in Animagi should summon the gumption to deal with The Nudity Issue, IMO.  Surely it's the *body* that transforms.  Clothes are not part of the body, and wands in a pocket *definitely* aren't.  Sure, it'll take a bit of imagination to get around this (vision of Sirius pattering about with a bundle of clothes in his mouth), but hey, if Superman can have his telephone booths, I'm sure fantasy authors who can write their worlds however they like can come up with *something*...

(as I long ago mentioned, I got very cynical at the scene in the Belgariad when Garion asks Belgarath if it's safe to transform into a wolf and have his clothes and the Orb floating about "unattached"... aw, honestly, I thought, where could be safer than an inaccessible parallel dimension of convenience?)

Eloise:
>> Elkins, who simply cannot *bear* the thought of murdered pets.
> Err...would this be the same Elkins who sports featherboas made
> from murdered owls? Or am I confusing you with someone else?

Rita:
>Not Elkins's fault: it was Tabouli who draped her with bloody feathers

Ahaaa, yes, but only because I thought a garment born of bloodshed was fitting for a Trio (Cindy, Elkins, Eileen) bouncing on a sofa with chilling chants of "Bloody Ambush!  Bloody Ambush!".  At the time she feigned hysterics, but I ask you... did she cast aside her fiendish feathery fronds?  Did she renounce her violent ways?  Alas no, in fact, she seems to have come to appreciate the flair and warmth of her new accessories, and no longer seems to give a hoot for the owls I sacrificed for her style.  If the FEATHERBOAS fit, wear 'em, seems to be her new motto...

Tabouli.


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