TBAY: Stoned Harry & Who Will Definitely Survive?

[dicentra63]

No: HPFGUIDX 38604

Dicentra stands on the desk of the Big Bang destroyer, negotiating
with its captain, Cindy.

"First things first, captain."

Dicentra wrestles the line of fish from Cindy

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and twists them furiously in the opposite direction. :D

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"You see, the Kayak is way too small already. We've got all these
people on board: Eloise, Nuri, Katze, Laura, Errol, lilahp, Naama, me,
you, and of course, Captain Caroline (did I forget anyone?). 
(Stoned!Harry doesn't need a boat: he can walk on water.)  There's
also Abigail and a Soprano Ham standing on the shore who might come
aboard if convinced, and Amy Z, who doesn't want to get her feet wet.
 What we need is a sizeable berth on board the Big Bang."

Cindy indicates she's listening, but she wants to know what's in it
for her.

"Can(n)ons!" shouts Dicentra, gesturing wildly.  "What good is a
destroyer without can(n)ons?  And we've got more of 'em than all those
other Bangy theories combined: more than TorturedToddler!Neville, more
than Avery or Florence or even those smug Snapetheories!  So many, in
fact, that the kayak is taking on water.  Can the crew come aboard
while we negotiate?"  Cindy assents and the crew climbs the ladder,
each lugging a heavy can(n)on.

Now Dicentra has Cindy's attention, as she's found the ill-tempered
Snapetheories lurking about the ship to have become quite wearysome.

Dicentra points at the first can(n)on.

"You've already seen this one: the Argument from Alchemy, which shows
that the symbols linked to the Philosopher's Stone are also linked
closely to Harry: red, green, stag, phoenix, serpent, lion, unicorn."

She indicates the second:

"Now there's the one from GoF, where Ron and Harry make a bunch of
'phony' predictions: Harry's last prediction is his own beheading."

And a third:

"And the scene later when Ron's tin parrot takes the head off Harry's
rubber haddock."

Four:

"And the tea leaves: a cross and possibly a lamb."

Five:

"Yew trees.  Symbols of immortality.  All over the place during the
graveyard scene. (We're going to ignore Eloise's protests that yews
are common in British graveyards and so they Don't Count as symbols.)"

Six:

"One name for the Philosopher's Stone is cinnabar: Persian for
dragon's blood, for which the probable orchestrator of Harry's destiny
has found 12 uses."

Cindy is getting really interested now. Six Can(n)ons!  That's more
than LOLLIPOPS has!

"Wait! There's more!" cries Dicentra  "We haven't even covered the
second aspect of the Philosopher's Stone--gold!"

She points to a host of solid gold can(n)ons.

"What's one of the first things Harry knows about himself as a wizard?
 That he's got piles and piles of gold in a Grigott's vault!  And as
he's walking through Diagon Alley for the first time, Hagrid has to
dissuade him from buying a solid gold cauldron.  And his role in
Quidditch is to seize the Golden Snitch.  And when he picks up a
Niffler in GoF, the thing sticks his nose in Harry's ear and sniffs
exitedly.  In fact, he's so loaded with gold he doesn't even notice
when the leprechaun gold Ron gives him dissapears, and he has no
problem handing the bag of gold he won from the tournament to Fred and
George."

Dicentra waits, expectantly.  Cindy runs her hands longingly over the
solid gold can(n)ons.

"We've also got a few Biblical can(n)ons we can drag aboard..." Cindy
indicates a row of such can(n)ons she posted just minutes before.

"Oh, did I forget?  We've now got an acronym.  But we can't let
Stoned!Harry see it.  It'll break his heart."

Dicentra takes a Golden Snitch out of her pocket and hurls it out over
the bay.  Stoned!Harry, even in his usual dazed state of confusion,
still knows what to do with a snitch and chases after it.  Dicentra
unrolls the banner:

P.H.I.L.O.S.O.P.H.E.R.'S. S.T.O.N.E.  (Poor Harry's Immortality's
Likely Over. Sadly, Omens & Prophecies Have Exposed Rowling's Secret.
 Surely This Occurence is Not Essential!)

"It's a deal, then?"  Cindy shakes Dicentra's hand enthusiastically
and begins to shoo the lurking Snapetheories from the upper decks. 
Dicentra high-fives the crew.

"WooHoo! We've got a new home.  Just keep the kayak tied to the
destroyer.  We can use it to go after Stoned!Harry if he gets too
close to that ship LOLLIPOPS.  Too much stuff there he shouldn't know,
either.  He does have a tendency to wander off."

In the milling about, Captain Caroline and Captain Cindy abruptly come
face to face.  Cindy doesn't like the way Caroline is eyeing the
bridge of the Big Bang.  (Cindy might want to sleep with that
captain's hat under her pillow, if you catch my meaning.)  

Dicentra rolls up the PHILOSOPHER'S STONE banner and stows it with the
maps in the Big Bang's navigation room to keep it from Harry and,
frankly, from that blonde can(n)on manufacturer in Scotland.  If SHE
sees it, she might stop making can(n)ons, now that we know Harry's fate.

--Dicentra, stretching out on a comfy berth for a nap, twirling her
FEATHERBOA, and twanging the nose of the swordfish Cindy gave her

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