[HPforGrownups] TBAY: The hedgehogs are flying (was:Re: TBAY: Ambition in t

Thu May 16 11:57:02 UTC 2002

No: HPFGUIDX 38794

Eloise, taking a break from helping Diana to furnish her new castle, settles 
down to catch up with her post. What's this? More accusations of perfidy? And 
the author...no, it can't be...the author is Alexander! That very same 
Alexander who dissed the idea of Evil!Bagman!....That very same Alexander, 
whose quote *inspired* the creation of the Order of the Flying Hedgehog!

That very same Alexander has produced the biggest, most humongous, Bangiest 
Flying Hedgehog of them all.... the veritable Daddy of all Flying Hedgehogs:

*************    Harry Potter is Ever So Evil    ************* 

Eloise takes a little time to recover from this. I mean, even for the founder 
of this venerable order, this is hard to stomach. Fortunately, Diana's 
smelling salts have already been unpacked. Once recovered sufficiently, 
Eloise despatches one of the footmen (well, what do you expect, this *is* a 
castle, and if Diana can afford them....) to bring Alexander in for 
questioning.  

'So, what do you have to say for yourself, then, Alexander?'

>I say that Harry is dead,
>and it's Voldemort is Harry's body.

>  Ever since I came to this idea, I have been enthralled by
>it. It's really nice. It explains *everything*. Well, almost
>everything. And events of books 1 to 4 start looking much
>more interesting...

>  Book 1. Voldemort, being in Harry's body, penetrates the
>Hogwarts - the place he wouldn't dare to visit if he was in
>his normal body. Trying to steal the Philosopher's Stone, he
>lets two wizards suspect each other in evil intentions:
>Snape and Quirrell. Both are wasting their time and energy
>trying to prevent the other from stealing the Stone. At
>last Harry/Voldemort confronts Quirrell in the Chamber and
>kills him. He fails to get the stone, though - Dumbledore
>arrives and he has to eat humble pie - for now.

>  Book 2. A lot of diversions are made by Harry/Voldemort.
>The result is general gain of Dumbledore's trust.

>  Book 3. Sirius arrives. I DON'T believe this criminal to
>be a nice man! Sirius is Death Eater for sure, and he came
>to bow to his Lord. And I don't believe this werewolf as
>well. Perhaps Snape is the only one who almost gets to know
>the truth - but he is knocked out by Harry/Voldemort and two
>poor boys who actually believe and like Harry (Voldemort was
>always good in getting others' trust).

>  Book 4. Voldemort sacrifices one of his Death Eaters
>(namely, Crouch Jr), feeding him misinformation and
>organising his eventual capture and death. I don't know how
>much misinformation was in what Jeremy said to Dumbledore
>under Veritaserum influence.

>  There are still facts that don't fill the picture. But I
>must say that official version has such facts in much larger
>amounts! And what's more important, with this version we
>have to believe much less unbelievable things (Voldemort's
>downfall, werewolves goodness and so on).

'Conclusive evidence there, my man. Congratulations. Now just hold still 
whilst I pin this badge on you.'

At this point, Alexander begins to demur,

>  And last. This is all, of course, a joke. 

'Oh no you don't, Alexander. Flying Hedgehogs are things we don't joke about.'

A struggle ensues, Alexander finally being subdued by various members of the 
household staff. He knows he is defeated

>But a one I like
>and will protect with all my strength.

'That's the spirit! We'll make a true member of the Order of you yet. Oh, and 
you get an extra medal for naming Sirius as a DE, too.'

No sooner than that is all settled and Alexander has departed, than the 
doorbell rings sonorously. It is Porphyria, who has come to make a complaint 
about a member of the Order.

Cindy has been making accusations about Snape again. 

'OK, Porphyria, what's she been saying this time?'

> > I mean, maybe the 
> > reason he was able to return to Hogwarts at the end of GoF was 
> > because Voldemort allowed him to.  Maybe Snape didn't prevent the 
> > Dementor from sucking out Crouch Jr.'s soul because Crouch Jr. was 
> > going to finger Snape as a DE who walked free.

'Look, darling, this puts me in a very awkward situation. You and I know that 
Snape's OK, don't we? But Cindy....well, Cindy just doesn't see things the 
same way, does she? And far-fetched accusations are what this organisation is 
all about. Sometimes they're just going to, well, conflict and you know we 
have a policy of inclusivity. No, I'm afraid we'll just have to live and let 
live. In any case, Cindy has that big paddle.'

> 
> <Porphyria, piqued, makes a sudden dive into rampant speculation>
> 
> But poor Snape wasn't worried about the Dementor because he trusted 
> McGonagall, whose express job it was to guard Crouch Jr. So was *she* 
> the one who wanted young Barty to permanently keep still about some 
> vital fact? Is McGonagall Ever so Evil? Is that why she goes around 
> wearing Slytherin colors all the time, even though Snape himself 
> rarely bothers? Is that why she didn't warn Dumbledore in PS/SS after 
> Harry accosted her, convinced the Stone was in jeopardy?  I bet she 
> finagled to buy him that Firebolt to get him on the Quidditch team 
> early so that Quirrell would have his shot at jinxing him off of it. 
> Yeah, she was in league with Q-man all along! And she really wants 
> Trelawney discredited, doesn't she? Maybe it's to keep people from 
> believing her *next* true prediction!

Porphyria has Eloise's ear. Eloise, in fact, can barely contain her 
excitement. 

'McGonagall? Ever so Evil? Is there any more?'

> 
> Oh, yeah, I'm onto her. She's the one who can turn into a cat and 
> creep around the school late at night. Spying on Harry, no doubt. 
> Wait -- didn't she go to school with Tom Riddle? Maybe they were 
> lovers! Hang on: she's tall and thin and has black hair, just like 
> Tom -- maybe they're cousins! Or for those of you who like it juicy, 
> maybe they were both. >:-D
> 
> See Cindy, I've just solved your problem about who LV's *real* loyal 
> servant at Hogwarts is. And it's not my poor, maligned Snape. You 
> have to admit Evil!McGonagall would be Ever So Bangy.
> 
'Mcgonagall is the 'loyal servant'! It's too good to be true! Here, sit 
down.' 

The castle, unlike Cindy's place, is well endowed with a fine range of single 
malts (Diana knows her priorities).

'What would you like? How about Talisker for a change? 

'Now, Porphyria, there's one more thing. You know what this means, don't you? 
Yes, yes, apart from membership of the Order,' (Eloise presses a Flying 
Hedgehog badge into Porphyria's hand) 'This means...SUCCESS. This is the 
answer to all those who balk at the idea of Quirrell getting close enough to 
Snape's drink to spike it. This is the answer to those such as myself who 
just cannot stomach the Dumbledore variation. Now we have "SUCCESS, the 
McGonagall Variation": it was *she*, whom he trusted, *she*, with whom he had 
so often bantered about Quidditch scores, *she*, with whom he maintained a 
good-humoured rivalry as a head of house who did the dastardly deed and 
drugged him to prevent him from following Quirrell through the trap door. 
Poor, poor Severus.'

Porphyria and Eloise console themselves with a few more glasses of Diana's 
fine single malts until the gong sounds and, ever so slightly unsteadily, 
they make their way in for dinner, where Diana is eagerly awaiting 
Porphyria's advice on decorating with gothic chic.

Eloise, 
who has no idea what Kool-Aid is, but is pretty certain Diana doesn't have 
any in her pantry.

PS, if anyone can work out how to make little hedgehog icons, please will 
they let me know? Every time I try, they come out like fish!

For an explanation of the acronyms and theories in this post, visit
Hypothetic Alley at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/files/Admin%
20Files/hypotheticalley.htm 
and Inish Alley at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/database?
method=reportRows&tbl=13

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