TBAY: Banging On The Dishwasher (WAS Dumbledore's head )

[charisjulia]

No: HPFGUIDX 47190


(Sorry this is coming in a bit late but unfortunately I have almost 
no access to the Net on the weekends . . . and there are so many 
interesting treads developing at the moment I hardly have time to 
catch up! Anyway, the Snape discussion seems to be holding strong, so 
I'll just take advantage of that to slip in the following. . .) 

 Cindy wrote:

>"You know, I think Saboteur!Snape has the same sort of problem that 
>the MAGICDISHWASHER folks are having," Cindy said calmly. "There's 
>a certain lack of tension in Saboteur!Snape. I mean, what happens 
>if Saboteur!Snape fails?"
>
>"Fails?" asked Charis Julia.
>
>"Right. Fails. Like Snape goes to Azkaban and can't conjure a 
>Patronus. Are you saying that he'll just say, 'Uh-oh. Should have 
>paid attention in DADA classes after all. Right then, Dementors, 
>I'll shove off now'? Or he'll get his soul sucked out on the spot 
>and that's it for Snape for the next three books? The lack of 
>tension is that if Snape succeeds in booting the Dementors out of 
>Azkaban, it doesn't Bang. And if he fails, it only Bangs a little 
>bit at best. Nah, if JKR is going to sacrifice Snape, it's not 
>going to be half a page of him feeling woozy and cold before his 
>soul is sucked out. Oh, no. If Snape dies, it will be *huge,* and 
>for me anyway, intensely satisfying. It will go on and on and on. 
>I just don't think Saboteur!Snape has enough heft for a character 
>like Snape."


Hmph. You know, Cindy, I get the feeling that you don't fully 
appreciate the limitless Bang potential of my ingenious 
conception. . . So you want satisfaction, do you? You want tension? 
You want * heft *? And I suppose that by all of that you mean gore 
and grime and * Snape's* head on a platter? A—ha! Saboteur!Snape can 
deliver!


See, it all depends on exactly what you are envisioning when you 
say "fail". Much as I personally delighted in the prospect of a Snape 
writhing and screaming on the floor at the feet of a rattle—
breathing, foul—smelling, rotty-- handed Dementor, I'm afraid 
Derannimer's theory had cancelled out that scenario. But, there are 
other possibilities, oh yes, indeed there are. . . 


For starters, well, I suppose Snape could always be caught in the act 
by the Ministry, which I guess would mean that he would then get 
thrown into Azkaban probably without trial (Trial? What trial? What 
is that? I'm afraid I don't understand. . .) This idea does have a 
certain appeal (oh the irony! Snape with the same fate as Sirius! 
Maybe even then Dumbledore could then send Sirius to go *save * 
Snape. Ho ho ho. . .)This notwithstanding, it still only leaves me 
lukewarm, so lets just move on to the really interesting stuff. 


You see, the way I imagine it, the incarcerated Death Eaters, once 
let out of Azkaban, are going to be Mad. A little woozy at first 
maybe, but mainly just Mad. And, of course, they're going to want 
Revenge. Now, Pettigrew's not going to be the one to get it. He'd be 
first on their list of course, but Pettigrew's got Voldemort's 
protection and anyway he's more than proved his dedication to the 
Dark Cause. The Death Eaters are going to have to relinquish him. But 
is there anybody else who could maybe take his place? Anybody else 
who really * did* betray the Dark Lord? 


A--ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, yes. By going into Azkaban Snape is 
basically walking straight into the lion's den. What will happen? Oh 
I don't know, you can take your pick really. The Death Eaters could 
take on Snape themselves or they could hand him over to Voldemort. Or 
both. And after that. . . well does anybody * really* need any 
further elucidations? 


As for what happens if Snape *succeeds *. . . well, that would depend 
on the situation in the wizarding world at the time, wouldn't it? 
Would Voldemort's return have been acknowledged by the rest of the 
wizarding world or not? Would any more attacks have taken place? 
Would Fudge still be in office? Would Rita Skeeter still work for 
the "Daily Prophet"? Would full—scale war or the fight against terror 
or whatever have been declared? Would Hogwarts still be working? What 
would the Old Crowd be up to? . . .  I mean, be fair will you, I 
can't answer all these questions, don't look at me, I'm just sitting 
in front of a computer screen cooking up loony theories, * I* don't 
know anything about it. 


However, if you must have something, there is one idea Frankie 
suggested to me in a mail off list. What if after being blown out of 
Azkaban the Death Eaters were then hauled over to Hogwarts and put 
away in the * Hogwerts'* dungeons? Hey! Then Snape could both keep up 
the teaching job he so dearly loves * and* be their jailer all at 
once! And anyway, why does Hogwarts even * have* a dungeon? 




>Derannimer (who thinks that Saboteur!Snape needs a good acronym, and 
>would like to officially request one, as long as Charis Julia (who 
he 
>belongs to, after all) has no objection)


Charis Julia frowns uncertainly. "Gee, I don't know about that 
Derannimer.  .  . I mean, yeah, sure, I know things * used* to be 
different . . . When TAGWATCH was in it's heyday acronym requests 
were complied with in no time! Two a knut they were then, acronyms, 
why, you just got them for the asking! But nowadays? . . . Ah, hard 
times are upon us, winter coming, storm approaching . . . Original 
TAGWATCH products . . . ooooh, quite the luxury item they are now, 
very hard to come by, even the best theories have to go without. . ."

"But. . ." Charis goes on hesitantly, "If you'd settle for a second 
class imitation . . . :

S.O.U.L.S.U.C.K.E.D.!S.N.A.P.E.

Snape, Oblivious to the Unpractical Limitations of a Soul, Undoes 
Cruel Kissers, Expels Dementors and, as Sentry Newly Appointed, 
Patrols over Evildoers. 


Charis Julia