The King of the Dark Lords (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 47248

The King of the Dark Lords

To the tune of The King of Broadway from Mel Brooks' The Producers

Dedicated to Lilac and Gail 

Hear an excerpt at:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005AY6I/qid=1038373440/sr=2-
1/ref=sr_2_1/104-4997678-7765540

Find the original text here (scroll down a bit, it's the second song)

http://libretto.musicals.ru/text.php?textid=277&language=1

THE SCENE: The Albanian wilderness in the late 80s. The restless 
spirit of LORD VOLDEMORT senses that it is about to disintegrate for 
good if it cannot immediately incarnate itself within a biological 
organism.  As luck would have it, only one such creature is within 
immediate reach – that creature being - oh the indignity! the 
disgrace! – a fluffy baby bunny rabbit. Overcome with horror and 
humiliation that he must become (albeit temporarily) so cute and 
cuddly, VOLDEMORT pours out his sorrow to a CHORUS OF DUNG BEETLES, 
CRAYFISH, EARTHWORMS AND MILLIPEDES who gather around him

VOLDEMORT:
I used to be the king
The king of the Dark Lords
Like Sauron with The Ring,
The Chairman of the Board

I used only the darkest arts
I struck fear into every heart
More frightening than a boggart
I tore them all apart with Syth'rin's sword

CHORUS
You oppressed them, 
Thousand victims
You oppressed them, Voldy Lord
Then the fates cried, "Let's evict him!"
Now you face a slight discord

VOLDEMORT:
I used to be the Lord
The Lord of Darkness, Inc.
My program went forward
For I knew how to slink

My curses caused the deepest pain
My forces ev'ry week made gains
I made sure Abel met with Cain
Quite ready to enchain the weakest link

CHORUS
You repressed them, 
Thousand wizards
You repressed them, Voldemort
But the voice of justice was heard
Now it seems that you're done for!

VOLDEMORT:
There was a time 
When I was really good (but evil)
There was a time 
When I had power
There was a time 
When ev'ry neighborhood
I touched 
Would shrink and cower

CHORUS
There was a time
He waved the cruelest wand
His spells would never fail

VOLDEMORT:
Now I have two floppy ears
And a white fluffy tail

CHORUS
Poor Voldy, he's a bunny

VOLDEMORT:
Floppy ears

CHORUS
Poor Voldy, must inhabit 

VOLDEMORT:
Fluffy tail

CHORUS
Poor Voldy, (though it's funny)

VOLDEMORT:
White fluffy tail

CHORUS
Poor Voldemort, a rabbit

VOLDEMORT (spoken): A fugitive in exile! How dare they treat me in 
this manner! How quickly they forget. I am Lord Voldemort! The first 
Dark Lord ever to offer guided tours of the Chamber of Secrets!

CHORUS (music): Once he was the King!

VOLDEMORT (spoken): You've heard of the twelve magic uses for dragon 
blood? You're looking at the wizard who discovered the twelve magic 
uses for unicorn blood – all of them Unforgivable! 

CHORUS (music): King of the Dark Lords!

VOLDEMORT (spoken): I spent my entire life pursuing inequality, 
injustice, and inopportunity. I was a protégé of the great Dark Lord 
Grindelwald
..

(CHORUS gasps in awe)

Yes. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to 
me on his deathbed, and suddenly I heard "Ssssssssssssssssssssssss
."

MILLIPEDE (spoken): Was that Parseltongue?

VOLDEMORT (spoken):  No, his Rolls had a leaky tire. But in my heart, 
I knew what he wanted to say. He would have said, "When you're down 
and out, and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to 
stand up on your own four – I mean, two feet and shout, `Who the hell 
do you have to Crucio to get a break in this town?'"

CHORUS (spoken) Yay!

[VOLDEMORT THE BUNNY RABBIT leads the CHORUS in an energetic Central 
European-style dance (Two-three-kick-turn! Turn-turn-kick-turn!)]

VOLDEMORT (music)
I used to be the king 
The king of the Dark Lords
Again I will be king
My powers all restored

I'll say it all in verse again
I'm growing more perverse again
My fortunes I'll reverse again
In evil I'll immerse again
With serpents I'll converse again
My DEs will coerce again
Disasters I'll rehearse again
My enemies disperse again
Toward Potter act adverse again
I'll cast my fiendish curse again
I'll fill up every hearse again
I'll make the whole world worse again

Lord Voldemort will once more soar
Lord Voldemort will score once more!
Lord Voldemort will go to war again!

CHORUS
He'll cast his fiendish curse again
He'll fill up every hearse again
He'll make the whole world worse again

VOLDEMORT & CHORUS
I'll/He'll go to war again, hey!

    -	CMC (Yay! for Rhymezone, without which writing this filk 
would have been incredibly difficult) 

http://www.rhymezone.com

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm 

FRANZ LIEBKIND: Heil You-Know-Who!

        - Mel Brooks, The Producers