TBAY: PINE-ing for Superfluous Characters

[Cindy C.]

No: HPFGUIDX 44792

Cindy surveyed Theory Bay through her spy glass, her heart heavy.  
Everywhere she looked, vessels lay lifeless in the calm waters.  The 
Fourth Man Hovercraft was beached at the shoreline, its hull shining 
with a thick layer of a curious mossy substance.  LOLLIPOPS, the 
greatest vessel of them all, had been left to drift, its mighty sail 
in tatters.  Oh, there was still an assortment of smaller vessels 
cheerfully buzzing each other, and bleary-eyed tour groups filed 
listlessly through the canon museum, but there hadn't been any 
activity in the Bay in quite some time.

Suddenly, Cindy spied something unusual on the GARBAGESCOW.  It, 
like so many other vessels in the Bay, seemed to be going nowhere, 
but as best Cindy could make out from her awkward vantage point, 
something seemed different aboard the SCOW.  Something seemed  . . . 
wrong . . . . terribly wrong.

Cindy apparated to the deck of the GARBAGESCOW, seeking its Captain, 
Dicentra.  What Cindy saw shocked her.  Dicentra was there all 
right.  But just barely.  She lay sprawled across the Captain's 
chair, her long platinum hair askew, her usually soaking wet uniform 
dirty, disheveled and –- bone dry!  An empty family-size bag of corn 
chips lay crumpled at her feet.

"What's going on here, Sailor?" Cindy asked disdainfully, pulling 
Dicentra upright.  "Why aren't you maintaining your vessel?"

"I –" Dicentra began.  She suddenly pitched forward, and Cindy 
caught her quickly.  "I can't seem to generate any interest in the 
GARBAGESCOW these days.  When was the last time Eileen or Elkins 
dropped by?  *Never,* that's when.  I figured they'd give me 
something –- anything.  I'd even take some bullying behavior or a 
train stomp -- I'm flexible here.  But no.  No one has brought me a 
canon in *months!*"  

"You have to pull yourself *together*!" Cindy snapped.  "There's no 
time to waste.  If you're going to dump all of the superfluous canon 
into the Theory Bay landfill before OoP comes out, you have to get a 
move on!"

"Before OoP comes out?" Dicentra rolled her eyes.  "Oh, we've got 
*years* then," she said sarcastically.  "Besides, why should I even 
get out of bed in the morning if no one comes here any more?"  She 
narrowed her eyes.  "Not even you, Cindy.  And I expected better 
from you."

Cindy shrugged.  "Hey, don't look at me.  Nobody's banging in the 
Bay either."

"Well, what can we do about it?  'Cause we gotta do something.  I 
can't go on like this!" Dicentra moaned, clutching her head in her 
hands.

"Hmmm," Cindy mused.  "I think you need better PR.  You should run a 
little contest, that's what you should do.  You know, boost morale 
around here.  You should challenge everyone in the Bay to bring you 
the biggest canons they can find for the GARBAGESCOW.  Not only 
that, you should tell them to bring any kind of canon.  They can 
bring sub-plots, red herrings, chapters, paragraphs or entire 
books.  And best of all, they can bring *characters*!"

"Oh, that'll never work," Dicentra sighed.  "Canon is *filled* with 
dozens of minor characters, many of whom could be dumped right on 
the GARBAGESCOW without so much as a hollow thud."

"Ah, but that's my point.  The challenge would be to find the 
*biggest* character who could possibly be dumped on the SCOW.  Oh, 
anyone could dump students who don't even have whole *names* on the 
SCOW.  Like Stebbins or Summers – that's easy.  Heck, you could 
practically dump all of Ravensclaw on the SCOW and hardly anyone 
would miss it.  

"But is it possible to find a major character for the SCOW?  Or a 
character who appears in multiple books.  Or –"  Cindy grinned a 
toothy smile.  "Or a *beloved* character, a character with an actual 
fan club with an acronym and everything?"

"No way," Dicentra said flatly.

"Look, I have the perfect canon right here.  He's been in all four 
books, so he's hefty.  Yet he's one-dimensional, so he won't take up 
much space.  His main role has been to be a red herring in CoS, but 
I'll bet most readers didn't even take the bait."

"You don't mean  . . . you *can't* . . . I won't—"

"That's right!" Cindy cried.  "*Percy Weasley* is going to take a 
little trip.  A trip *straight* to the landfill!" 

"I dunno," Dicentra said thoughtfully.  "Percy has a lot to do in 
the books."

"Does he now?" Cindy asked, her hands on her hips.  "OK, let's walk 
through Percy's Big Moments in the plots of the four books.  This 
shouldn't take long, I'm thinking," she added with a smirk.

"First up is PS/SS.  What does Percy *do* in PS/SS?"

"Uh," Dicentra rubbed her chin.  "Well . . . I can't think of 
anything important, really."

"That's right," Cindy said, nodding.  "Now in CoS, Percy has a bit 
of a role there.  He catches Ron outside Myrtle's bathroom or 
something.  And Percy kisses his girlfriend, and we're supposed to 
buy Percy as the villain in CoS.  But I really doubt anyone fell for 
that."

"What about PoA?" Dicentra asked, her eyes suddenly wide.  "Percy 
had a lot to do in PoA.  He had a conversation with Dumbledore and 
Snape after Black broke into the castle."  

"Well, how superfluous can you be if you're the third wheel in a 
conversation?" Cindy replied.  

Dicentra folded her arms defiantly.  "Well, Percy does quite a lot 
in GoF.  Surely that counts for something." 

"Well, let's take stock."  Cindy said  "Percy apparates, attends the 
QWC, talks about his job, fixes tea for Mr. Crouch, splashes out 
into the Lake at the second task and answers an owl from Ron.  He 
wasn't even attending Hogwarts, for heaven's sake.  None of these 
things had much to do with the plot.

"No, I'm afraid I'll have to offer up Percy as the most superfluous 
major character in the series so far.  He's a Weasley -– the brother 
of the hero's best friend.  He's a prefect, so he is in a position 
of authority.  Given how many opportunities Percy has had to become 
involved in the central plots of the books, he somehow never does, 
does he?  So he's superfluous.  

"You want more proof?  Have a look at the Lexicon.  The chapter-by-
chapter summaries for PS/SS, CoS and GoF, don't even *mention* 
Percy.  How superfluous can you get when the Master Guide For LOON-
acy doesn't even acknowledge your role in the plot."

"Nah, I'm not buying it," Dicentra replied.  "Hagrid has been in all 
four books, and he doesn't factor into the plot either.  But no one 
would say Hagrid was superfluous."

"Well, as much as I'd *love* to drag Hagrid aboard the SCOW, I just 
can't," Cindy said, sighing heavily.  "Hagrid rescued Harry from the 
Dursleys, and he later leaked key information in PS/SS.  Harry 
confides in Hagrid.  Hagrid provides all manner of useful background 
information.  Hagrid bred the screwts, and without Hagrid there 
would be no Buckbeak and no Sirius's escape.  No, Hagrid isn't 
superfluous, I'm sorry to say."

Dicentra paused, saying nothing, shaking her head slowly from side 
to side.

"I know this is hard."  Cindy patted Dicentra awkwardly on the 
shoulder.  "We've never thrown a character on the SCOW before.  But 
I think you're ready to take this next step."

"Mmmm, I'll think about it," Dicentra said, standing slowly.  She 
brushed her hair out of her eyes and marched to the deck rail.

"Hey, where are you going?  You owe me a ruling on Percy!" Cindy 
shouted after her.

Dicentra climbed the deck rail, straddling it.  "I'm going for a 
swim.  It's the only way I can really think," she said, as she flung 
herself overboard and dived gracefully into the Bay.

*****************
Cindy

*************** 

For an explanation of the acronyms and theories in this post, visit
Hypothetic Alley at 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/files/Admin20Files/hypoth
eticalley.htm 

and Inish Alley at 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/database?
method=reportRows&tbl=13