Never Ever (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 45012

This is in response to the recent thread started by bohcoo (44720) 
that the entire HP saga will ultimately prove to be such stuff as 
dreams are made of, and the little life of Hogwarts shall be rounded 
with a sleep.  This, to speak dispassionately, would be a hideous, 
unforgivable, and nihilistic travesty that would demolish all of the 
ethical and moral teachings so pivotal to the thematic integrity of 
the series (not my definition of  "tidy").  This filk is intended to 
dramatize the horror of such an outcome.

I also don't think for one second that JKR is going to let us down 
this way.

 Never Ever 

(To the tune of Ever After, from Sondheim's Into the Woods)

Hear a MIDI at:

http://www.broadwaymidi.com/shows/into_the_woods.html

Far too depressing to dedicate to anyone 

THE SCENE: 4 PRIVET DRIVE.  The 18-year-old HARRY POTTER, awakened 
by the DURSLEYS in his cupboard below the stairs, realizes with a 
thrill of horror that all the events of the last seven years were a 
dream (a dream of which, for reasons inexplicable, the DURSLEYS know 
every single detail)

VERNON
Journey over. Magic ended.
Hogwarts School is now no more
Sayonara, it's suspended!
Never ever

PETUNIA
All the curses were pretended, 
There's no scar from Voldemort
Your heroical endeavors 
Never ever

DURSLEYS
Never then and never now 
And never ever ever!

HARRY
There were dangers-

DURSLEYS
No, not really

HARRY
And great crisis-

DURSLEYS
You just dreamed it-

HARRY
And my broom would often swerve.

DURSLEYS
It did not.

HARRY
There were constant-

DURSLEYS
You're just crazy-

HARRY
Plot devices-

DURSLEYS
Jo undid it.

HARRY
But we'd all come through with verve

DURSLEYS
But Book Seven's end suffices:
It was your misfired nerves!

Not ol' Ron and not the two twins, 
Sirius nor Hagrid
No Hermy nor Remus Lupin
Just poor Harry's stray id

DUDLEY
I am greedy.

VERNON
I am vain.

PETUNIA
I am haughty.

VERNON
I am smug.

DURSLEYS
We are happy.

DUDLEY
It is fun.

PETUNIA	
`Cause we're Muggles.

BOTH
Then we went into his room
To wake him up,
He's also a Muggle.

HARRY
It was perfect.
I had everything I wanted
I had powers, 
And I lived inside the Tower, 
I could flower.
Then I woke up in my bed
And what a switch,
And now I'm ordinary.
Lost my power and my Tower

DUDLEY
You're unworthy.

HARRY (fighting back tears)
I'm unhappy now, unhappy hence,
As well as ever after.
Had I stayed soundly a-snooze
I might have escaped this abuse,
I'd be happy

DURSLEYS
We are happier than Harry
That's the moral of this book
We shall party, we'll make merry
As we mock that Potter schnook
For it's Privet Drive forever
And for Gryffindor, the hook! 

HARRY 
Though I'm tearful,
Though it's deep, though it's dark,
And though I've now lost my path,
I can still encounter elves,
I musn't stop,
I must believe,
I musn't worry, 
I've got to act!
For I know my wish,
If I want my wish,
I can have my wish,-
So, to get my wish
.

DURSLEYS
But it will all fade,
Is that not plain?
Where witches, ghosts 
And charms once reigned.
It will all fade
And you've not gained
A single thing worth learning

It will all fade
Like a death knell
In vain, no doubt,
But what the hell

It will all fade, your magic spells
It will all fade, the Hat of Sorting
It will all fade, the dragons wild
No swish and flick
No Diagon Alley
No true werewolves
No Prongs your father
No Merpeople kingdom
No Snape, no Snitch, 
No wands, no skrewts
No orbs, no owls, 
No Stone of Philosopher!

It will all fade!
It will all fade!
It will all fade!
Now, out of our way,

(The DURSELYS throw HARRY out the front door)

We're happy ever after!

(The door of 4 Privet Drive slams shut forever.  Minutes later, 
HARRY is run over while trying to flag down a semi-truck he mistakes 
for the Knight Bus. He is buried a few days later in an unmarked 
pauper's grave. The service is attended by only by Arabella Figg – 
in the early stages of dementia praecox - and her 27 cats)

  - CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm