Dementor Dan, Your Jailer (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 44013

Dementor Dan, Your Jailer

To the tune of Barnacle Bill the Sailor

Can't find a good MIDI or RealAudio link – this is the best I can do:

http://music.barnesandnoble.com/search/product.asp?ean=743625527421

Dedicated to Gail Bohacek 

NOTES: (1) The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American 
Psychiatric Association (a classification of the mental illnesses) 
lists Major Depresssion on its Axis 1 (Clinical Disorders).  It is 
assigned the code number 296 (the numbers facilitate insurance 
reimbursement)

http://www.lightboxtherapy.com/?pg=sad_insurance

(2) The 1965 sitcom My Mother The Car is widely considered one of 
the worst series of all time

http://www.tvparty.com/recmothercar.html

(3) Those two points seems totally unrelated to each other and to 
Harry Potter, don't they?

THE SCENE: Before Azkaban Prison. Enter HAGRID, held in custody on 
suspicions of his involvement with the alleged Chamber of Secrets. 
He is accompanied by a CHORUS OF DEMENTORS, led by our soloist, 
DEMENTOR DAN

HAGRID 
Who's that gliding `cross the floor?
Who's that gliding `cross the floor?
Who's that gliding `cross the floor?

CHORUS
Asks the detained Hagrid

DEMENTOR DAN & (CHORUS)
Howdy pard, I'm to be your guard
(I'm/he's Dementor Dan your jailer)
My robes are black and my heart is hard
(We provide lots of work for tailors)
I'll see to it your thoughts stay blue
Terror will become déjà vu
Your little dog, I'll get him too,
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)

HAGRID
Will I ever be released?
Will I ever be released?
Will I ever be released?

CHORUS
Asks the detained Hagrid

DEMENTOR DAN & (CHORUS)
The likes of me will not set you free
(I'm/he's Dementor Dan your jailer)
I'd rather throw away the key
(We love it as you grow staler)
We don't like it when folks walk off
Like that ol' scumbag Karkaroff
Return him to our feeding trough!
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)

HAGRID
Can you show me mercy, sir?
Can you show me mercy, sir?
Can you show me mercy, sir?

CHORUS
Asks the detained Hagrid

DEMENTOR DAN & (CHORUS)
You use a word that I've never heard
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)
Dementors repenters preferred
(Start dwelling now on your failures)
Depression time has just begun
296 on Axis 1
You'll be one blue son-of-a-gun
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)

HAGRID
I am guilty of no crime
I am guilty of no crime
I am guilty of no crime

CHORUS
Says the detained Hagrid

DEMENTOR DAN & (CHORUS)
You're not to blame, but it's all the same
(To Dementor Dan your jailer)
We torture Black though he was framed
(We won't let him call his bailer)
To those of us known as Dements
We don't care if you're innocent
It makes you more fun to torment
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)

HAGRID
What will happen now to me?
What will happen now to me?
What will happen now to me?

CHORUS
Asks the detained Hagrid

DEMENTOR DAN & (CHORUS)
"Abandon all hope who enter here" 
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)
You now gotta cope with Dementors here
(Already you're looking paler)
I'm closing down the open bar
We're gonna watch the VCR
Play tapes of My Mother the Car
(Says Dementor Dan your jailer)

Exit all, toward Azkaban.

   - CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm