{FILK} Lockhart

[Nicole L.]

No: HPFGUIDX 44137

(To the tune of "Gaston" from Disney's "Beauty and the
Beast.")

I have always loved this song and thought it would be
a fitting tribute to our favorite rascal, Lockhart.  I
had a *lot* of fun writing this one, especially the
stage directions.  :)

Snape, his lip curling in an ugly sneer as he sings:

Gosh it disturbs me that youre here, Lockhart
Trying to teach bout Dark Arts
Every prof hered like to slap you, Lockhart
Smack you so hard that it smarts
Theres no wizard or witch as fraudlent as you
Youre certainly irksomely rich
Everyones snowed and defrauded by you
And its I who will become a snitch

No ones slick as Lockhart
No one tricks like Lockhart
No ones half as incredibly thick as Lockhart
For theres no wizard whos such a shyster
Absurd!  Quite a pure come-on!
Id like to ask Albus Dumbledore, Sir,
How could you hire this joke?
Is your mind that far gone?


McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, Hooch, et al:

No one cloys like Lockhart
And annoys like Lockhart


Snape:

No ones cheated the wizarding world like Lockhart!


Lockhart, polishing his nails on his lilac robes:

As a fashion plate, yes, Im coordinated!


Snape and the Professors:

My, what a fraud, that Lockhart!
Cast five curses!  Cast one great hex!


Snape:

Lockhart alone holds the great power to vex!


Snape and the professors:

No one charms like Lockhart
Can disarm like Lockhart


Snape:

In a dueling match, nobody bites* like Lockhart


Besotted witchesincluding Molly Weasleyswooning and
fanning themselves:

For theres no one as sexy and studly


Lockhart, beaming and winking:

As you see, my smile is so blinding


Snape, snarling:

The witches think hes precious and cuddly


Lockhart:

Thats right!  And every last witch I will be
spell-binding!


The Profs, looks of scorn on their faces:

A nitwit, this Lockhart


Snape:

Worlds great twit, this Lockhart


Harry and Ron, disgusted:

>From a basilisk, nobody splits like Lockhart


Lockhart, glancing over his shoulder and trembling in
fear:

Im especially good at turning and fleeing
	Mummy!


Snape, Profs, Harry, and Ron:

Good riddance, Lockhart!


Lockhart, reminiscing:

When I was a lad I dreamt of wealth and fame
And a mouthful of teeth like great pearls
And now that Im grown
Everything is a game
At which I always win all the girls!


Snape, Profs, Harry, and Ron:

No one fibs like Lockhart
Is as glib as Lockhart


Snape:

Or goes traveling plagiarizing like Lockhart


Lockhart, leaning in and conspiratorially shielding
the side of his mouth facing the rest of the company:

I use conditioner to keep my locks gleaming!


Snape, Profs, Harry, and Ron:

My what a fraudLockhart!


(As they hold onto the last note, Lockhart is smiling
and waving, Miss America-style.  The rest of the
company lifts their wands simultaneously and points
them at Lockhart, who disappears in a puff of
lilac-colored smoke.)

*"Bites" is an American slang term equivalent to
"sucks", meaning the person is terrible at something. 
Not sure if this is used in Brit-speak.

~Nicole, who will now be humming this song for days!


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