Harry Potter Stinks (filk)

Mon Apr 28 05:59:13 UTC 2003

No: HPFGUIDX 56319

Harry Potter Stinks (GoF, Chap. 19)

To the tune of Franklin Shepard Inc. from Sondheim's Merrily We Roll 
Along

Dedicated to Catherine Coleman

Hear a MIDI at:

http://www.broadwaymidi.com/shows/merrily_we_roll_along.html

THE SCENE: Harry has stormed off to bed, leaving Ron alone in the 
Common Room. RON - who is better at Transfiguration then we knew – 
transforms a pincushion into a Daily Prophet reporter so as to 
provide him with an audience for his bitterness and anger

REPORTER (spoken)
I know our readers would love to hear why you two are asunder 

RON (picking up the Potter Stinks badge, and beginning to toy with 
it.)
Why are we asunder? Sure. 

(music)
They went— 

(RON pantomimes Fred and George unsuccessfully challenging the Age 
Line) 

And he went — 

(RON pantomimes Harry successfully challenging the Age Line) 

And that's `cause his power's so strong — 

Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm — 
He loves to impress the throng! — 
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm — 

Then Al went — 

(Ron pantomimes Dumbledore presiding over the Goblet of Fire) 

And it went — 

(Ron pantomimes the Goblet of Fire producing Harry's name) 

And the crowd went bzzzzz! 

And Al went — 

(mimicking Dumbledore's consultation with his colleagues) 

"Potter Potter Potter Potter yes, Sev'rus, 
Potter no, Sev'rus,
Potter Potter Potter Potter — " 
—Call the Auror, Sev'rus,  — 
"Potter Potter Potter Potter Potter do it, Sev'rus, 
 " 
"Sorry, Igor 
 " 

So they went — 

(Ron pantomimes Durmstrang, Beauxbatons & Snape giving the thumbs 
down) 

But we went — 

(Ron pantomimes Dumbledore, Crouch Sr. & Moody giving the thumbs up)

And he went — 

And soon they're lapping it up — 
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm — 
(mimicking diverse voices in the crowd) 
"Wiz!"
"Move it, Weasley 
 " 
"Wiz! "
"— It's the Daily Prophet — "
"Wiz! 
"— For an interview — "

"Yes, TriWiz!,"
"By owl messenger 
 " 
""Yes, TriWiz!, 
"Will he speak to the press? "
"Will he weigh his wand? "
"Is he sweet on Herm? "
"Will he win the prize? "
"Will you — " 
"Fllllash! "
"Beat it, Collin — " 

"Potter Potter Potter Potter tells his life "
"Potter day and night"
"Potter Potter Potter Potter Potter — " 
"Wiz! 
"Even though he's too young 
 " 
"Wiz! 
"Yes, TriWiz! 
 " 
"It's the interview 
 " 
"No, TriWiz!, "
"Will they make him withdraw? "
"Are the games going on? "
"Does he worry the most? "
"Will he tell his best friend? 
 " 

Then the faculty met
And then Dumble said 
He's in with Viktor, Fleur and Ced, 
'Cause he somehow crossed the Age Line. 
And he's now a Hogwarts Champion. 
Right? 

He's the Boy Who Lived 
And the Boy Who Lied 
And who won't in his best friend confide, 
And he made a real stale quote. 
And won't give an explanation. 
Right? 

He revels in his good fortune 
He's dismissed me as a dink
That's the story of the way things are
That's why Harry Potter Stinks. 

REPORTER (spoken)
Oh. Well, when you do work together, what do you resent the most —his 
fame or his fortune? 

WEASLEY (spoken)
'Gainst both of them I react 

REPORTER (spoken)
It sounds like you think having money is a bad thing for a wizard. 

WEASLEY (music)
Money? 
Did  you say money? 
Hey, I need money a lot — 
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm — 
I mean, they've raised me with naught — 
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm — 
But when it's — 
(grunts hungrily) 
Money 

(again) 
Money 

Cause he's into — 
(snorts) 
Money 

And he should be — 

(spoken)
Listen, Harry has the money thing very well, but you know why? His 
parents did it for him. And he does the magic thing very well. And 
you know what? That just makes me bitter. 

(music)
Then  the Gryffindors drink
Draughts of butterbeer 
As they wildly applaud and cheer
Cause they think that he has won, he 
Will lead us to victory — 
Right? 

So I ask "What's up?
And he starts a ploy, 
'Cause he somehow needs
To be so coy 
It's whoo-ooooh! 
(as Harry, through an owl message) 
"Hiya, Rita, 
Wanna hear my yarn? 
Got my strength from parents, 
I cry through the nights 
But they still watch out 
I'll be safe and sound  
I'm the nominee 
For this big event 
Earning such applause — " 

And he regards me with such scorn, ya'd
Never know we once were linked
He's all business and he's mean, to boot
That's why Harry Potter Stinks. 

Very sneaky how he did it 
Much more stealthy than a mink. 
Loyalty just does not mean a thing, 
That's why Harry Potter – 

(spoken – RON has a sudden attack of remorse and yearning for the 
restoration of the status quo ante) 

Wait, could we wait a minute here because I'm sounding too harsh. The 
thing, you see, is we're not close right now, but we really used to 
be. And a friendship's like a sewer. What you get out of it depends 
on what you put into it. And I miss it. I want it back. Look — 

(music)
Nothing pertinent has happened, 
We're just slightly out of sync 
Friendship's something that survives the blues 

(spoken) Ladies and Gentlemen, don't let me lose the best friend a 
boy wizard ever had  (abruptly, RON suddenly turns bitter against 
Harry, and pins the POTTER STINKS badge to his chest). Stop him in 
the hallways - you'll be sure to recognize him, he's the guy passing 
out autographed photos of himself

(music)
Very sneaky how it happens, 
He competes as Dumble winks 
It's too bad that I don't feel amused — 

(highly agitated)
Oh, my God, how could this happen 
He has pushed me to the brink 
Bogus triumphs dominate the news  — 

(to Reporter, spoken) 
In case you didn't notice, this is my first Prophet interview – and 
my last. 

(music)
No, here's the point, that Harry Potter — 
Oughta really see a shrink — 
>From the shadows, his former friend's view
Is that  —

"Potter Potter Potter Potter quick, Hermy, 
Get the  Headmaster, 
There's a crazy kid
In the Common Room 
 " 

Is that  — 
"TriWiz! Flllash! — 
Is that  —
Harry Potter  — 

(spoken) Hey, thanks Draco Malfoy for the badge! — 

(music) -  Stinks! 

RON transfigures the reporter back into a pincushion and exits. Black-
out

  - CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm 