TBAY: Opening night at the WWF - Rules

[Dan Feeney]

No: HPFGUIDX 75189

Entering the tent was like entering a Breughel painting, with a 
soundtrack composed of a thousand roaring Honda engines and a million 
simultaneous warp drives. The seats were packed, and filled with 
shrieking eccentrics, some wearing featherboas and others twirling 
grey underpants on their fingers, looking like vampish tricksters or 
trashy slimeballs. There were also some animals in the stands, 
ostriches and other flying things, squawking cacaphonously. (Is a 
single unit of noise a cacaphone? Darkthirty wondered.) Darkthirty 
paid his entrance fee and squeezed past a group of big and bangy 
people, making his way to the top row, where there was some standing 
room.

"This whole thing seems a tad pathetic," he thought, "and it smells 
like detergent in here."

All around the ring, every couple of metres or so, he could see men 
in black, standing guard, as it were, looking very much like the vice 
squad of a cartoon city. Darkthirty noticed too that, around the 
audience, several people were rubbing their necks, as if they were 
suffering from headaches, or perhaps whiplash.

A dark-haired woman made her way to the centre of the ring, jeered by 
almost the entire crowd.

"Welcome, people, to our first evening  of sentimental crap!"

The boos and screams of hatred from the crowd were deafening. The 
woman paused for a second, and then retaliated by shouting into her 
microphone.

"My name is Antonia..."

More shouts, and the big and bangy group Darkthirty had passed were 
now stomping their feet rythmically.

"...Byatt.."

The screaming and stomping got louder. A few people tossed elgin 
marbles half-heartedly at the stage. The vice squad tensed.

"Our biggest assest, in these unruly times, is the sine curve of our 
critical facility..."

The sound of a thousand individuals groaning collectively flooded the 
tent.

"...but we must also be prepared to inspect the often ignored dew 
drop..."

"Shut up!" shouted several audience members.

"Get offa the stage!" shouted some others.

".. though we must not be lead astray, down the degrees of freedom, 
by flying hedgehogs and the like..."

The woman better read the rules and bug out soon, thought Darkthirty.

"Passions of the mind aside, then, here are your rules."

The bangy people were the last to quiet. They stopped stomping, but 
continued to mumble among themselves.

"There are two kinds of bouts; the standard one fall affair, and the 
open affair. As you may have already heard, only canon characters - 
either as referenced in acronyms on the list or as referenced by 
critics - like myself - ship captains or representatives, or 
notorious list posters may enter the ring to fight."

An atonal so-called chorus of boos went up at this.

"Acronyms that are also sentient beings may fight as well. In the 
standard affair, you may use argument, canon magic or other moves, 
and legal holds. In the open affair, you can use whatever you like."

At this, the crowd let out a tremendous cheer. The big and bangy folk 
looked happiest of all - they were practically dancing where they 
stood.

"Angels and insects, let's get ready to rumble!" And saying this, 
Byatt walked briskly out of the ring, as the crowd went wild.