FILK - "Gee, Professor Umbridge"

[Wendy St John]

No: HPFGUIDX 76501

"Gee, Professor Umbridge"
An OoP "Hogwarts Story" filk to "Gee, Officer Krupke" from the movie "West
Side Story."

Dedicated to Josh, for making me laugh *really, really* hard today with a
MoM memo.

(Scene: The Room of Requirement, at the end of a training session for
Dumbledore's Army. HARRY, HERMIONE, RON, DEAN and CHO start clowning
around, while the other members of the DA watch and laugh).


HERMIONE (spoken, imitating Dolores Umbridge) 
Hey, you! 

HARRY (spoken) 
Me, Professor Umbridge? 

HERMIONE (spoken, as Umbridge) 
Yeah, you! Gimme one good reason 
For not givin' you detention and makin' you write lines, ya punk. 

HARRY (sings) 
Dear Inquisitor Umbridge,  
Ya gotta understand,  
I know you think I'm garbage,
And punishments you've planned.
But Death Eaters are coming,
Lord Voldemort is back!
Jumpin' Jarveys, that's why I'm so wack!

ALL 
Gee, Professor Umbridge, don't push him too far,
It's really not his fault he's got that terrible scar.
He's not a big liar,
Although he's uncouth.
We swear, he's telling you the truth! 

HARRY 
It's the truth! 

ALL 
It's the truth, it's the truth, 
It's the honest truth. 
Yes, the Dark Lord's back now is the truth! 

HERMIONE (as Umbridge) 
Thats a touchin good story. 

HARRY
Lemme tell it to the world! 

HERMIONE (as Umbridge) 
Just tell it to Fudge. 

HARRY (to RON) 
Dear kindly Fudge, your Honor, 
My scar's been burning bad
At night my dreams are awful,
My classmates think I'm mad.
You really must believe me,
Lord Voldemort is near!
Holy Horklumps, 
Soon he will appear!

RON (imitating Cornelius Fudge) 
Right! 
Professor Umbridge, youre really a square; 
This boy dont need my help, 
He needs an Occulmens' care! 
His scar makes him crazy and very perturbed, 
Hes rather magically disturbed. 

HARRY
Im disturbed! 

ALL 
He's disturbed, he's disturbed, 
He's the most disturbed, 
Like he's rather magically disturbed. 

RON (spoken, as Fudge) 
Oyez, Oyez! In the opinion 
Of the Ministry, this child is 
Depraved on account he aint had proper wizard training.  

HARRY (spoken) 
Hey, Im insane on account I ain't been trained! 

RON (spoken as Fudge) 
So take him to Professor Snape. 

HARRY (sings to Dean) 
Dear kindly Potions' Master,
The Dursleys both are jerks.
The press tells lies about me,
Which really, really hurts.
My classmates think I'm mental,
And you think I'm a brat.
Poundin' Puffskeins, 
That's why I'm a prat.

DEAN (as Snape) 
Oi! 
Professor Umbridge, it's really a crime! 
This boy won't even practice. 
He's just wasting my time! 
He doesn't respect me, he's just like his dad.
He's just congenitally bad! 

HARRY 
I am bad! 

ALL 
He is bad, he is bad, 
He is bad, bad, bad 
Yes, that Harry's bad just like his dad! 

DEAN (speaks as Snape) 
In my opinion, this child does not need 
To learn Occlumency at all.  
All his problems could be cured by time in a loving home.  

HARRY (spoken) 
Hey, I need a loving home! 

DEAN (spoken as Snape) 
So take him to the Dursleys! 

HARRY (sings to CHO) 
Dear kindly Aunt Petunia, 
Dementors just showed up.
When they went after Dudley,
I said, "Keep your mouth shut."
I stopped them with Patronus,
And that's why we weren't caught,
Growlin' Giiffins, 
This was not my fault.

CHO (as Aunt Petunia) 
Eek! 
Professor Umbridge, youve done it again. 
This boy dont my care, he needs 
Time in Azkaban! 
It aint just a question of misunderstood; 
Magical blood makes him no good! 

HARRY 
Im no good! 

ALL 
He's no good, he's no good, 
He's no earthly good.
All that magic makes him no damn good!

DEAN:
The trouble is hes cheeky.

RON:
The trouble is that scar!

CHO: 
The trouble is hes creepy!

RON: 
His lying's gone too far!

DEAN 
The trouble is hes crazy. 

CHO
His antics can't be topped!

ALL 
Umbridge, that boy really must be stopped!
 
Gee, Professor Umbridge
Start doing your job.
Cause Harry causes trouble
When his scar starts to throb. 
Gee, Professor Umbridge,
What are you to do? 
Gee, Professor Umbridge,
Quill you! 

:-)

Wendy St John
hebrideanblack at earthlink.net