Poisoned Honey (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 76552

This is a companion to Wendy's filk Cornelius (#74076), in which 
Dolores sings of her abiding passion for the Minister. It is 
dedicated to Wendy and to all you other hopeless romantics out there 
whose souls are stirred by the Fudge/Umbridge SHIP.


Poisoned Honey 

To the tune of Funny Honey from Chicago

THE SCENE: A smoky nightclub next to The Ministry of Magic. Draped 
atop a piano (with PERCY at the keyboard) is the Minister himself, 
dressed in his sexiest pinstripe suit and green bowler.

PERCY (spoken):
For his next number, Minister Cornelius Fudge sings a song of love 
and devotion dedicated to his dearest minion (next to me).

FUDGE (music):
Sometimes I'm Right
Sometimes I'm Left
But of her sweet HEM
I'm not bereft
She loves me so
That poisoned honey of mine!

Sometimes I'm sharp
Sometimes I'm flat
But she rallies 'round
Like a good bureaucrat
She loves me so
That poisoned honey of mine!

She don't dress chic
Her voice has a squeak
Her speeches can be awful bland

But tell her some lies
And you'll realize
That she knows her job
Like the back of your hand

And she's appointed by me
To make Dumble flee
.
What if Hogwarts
Dare disagrees
Why, she'll be right there
Writing decrees

She loves me so
And my pinstripes so fine
That glorious, uproarious, notorious
Delores of mine!

(UMBRIDGE Apparates beside the piano)

UMBRIDGE (spoken):
I mean supposin', just supposin', we use violence against Potter...you
know what I mean...violence?

FUDGE (spoken, distracted by Umbridge's beauty):
I know what you mean...

UMBRIDGE (spoken):
...or somethin'. Think how "terrible" that would be. What that boy 
needs is some mentoring. I'm tellin' ya that! Get it? "Mentoring?"



FUDGE (music):
She loves me so
That poisoned honey of mine!

(WILLIAMSON, a MINISTRY official, Apparates beside the piano)

WILLIAMSON (to FUDGE, spoken):
Break-in tonight at the Department of Mysteries, sir. Name of 
intruder
.Lord Voldemort.

FUDGE (spoken)
Lord Voldemort.  How could he be a burglar? 

UMBRIDGE (spoken):
Why, Lucius knows him. All those contributions to St. Mungo's

..

FUDGE (music)
Dark Lord's back, we don't look smart....

PERCY (spoken):
She told us that he wasn't back.

FUDGE (spoken):
You mean we were wrong and Dumbledore's right?

UMBRIDGE(spoken):
We had it covered in the press that it was just some cock and bull 
story dreamed up by Potter. Stick to our plan, Minister, so that the 
two of us can run Hogwarts together. Voldemort, ha! It's just another 
of those Albus lies! What a horse's ass

.

Enter BANE and MAGORIAN, glaring angrily at UMBRIDGE

BANE and MAGORIAN (spoken): Yes, human?

UMBRIDGE (her soliloquy is spoken simultaneously over FUDGE'S song)
You cannot interfere with official government business in this 
presumptuous manner! I am Dolores Umbridge! Senior Undersecretary to 
the Minister of Magic and Headmistress and Grand Inquisitor of the 
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! By the laws laid down by 
the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, 
any attack by half-breeds such as yourselves on a human

NO! NOOOOO! 
I AM SENIOR UNDERSECRETARY
.YOU CANNOT
.UNHAND ME, YOU ANIMALS
.. 
NOOOOO!








.

FUDGE (music, sung over UMBRIDGE's soliloquy above)
Now, she's caught by centaurs 
Can't stand this manure!
So Hogwarts School's 
Out of control
She let `mentors loose 
To snatch Harry's soul

They will string me up
If she does
Not resign

That dumpy, frumpy
Jumpy Umbridge of mine!

(Exit BANE and MAGORIAN, dragging a very loud UMBRIDGE with them. Her 
screams gradually fade. Several seconds of silence.)

FUDGE: (spoken, still atop the piano, to PERCY)
Uh, so you got any plans for tonight after the show
..?

     -	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm