The Toffee With the One-Ton Tongue (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 78519

The Toffee With the One-Ton Tongue (GoF, Chap 3-4)

The third A!Kedavra filk to the tune of The Surrey With the Fringe On 
Top from Rodgers and Hammerstein's Oklahoma!

Dedicated to Catherine McK

THE SCENE: Four Privet Drive. Having received a written invitation 
through the Muggle post, HARRY is hoping VERNON will allow him to 
depart with the WEASLEYS to the Quidditch World Cup.

HARRY:
Molly has this message sent to me
Stamped over-enthusiastically

VERNON
It's the sort of thing that I hate to the utmost
Something out of the ordinary....

HARRY
The Weasleys sent this invitation
To attend skilled broomstick gyrations
In a clash of two Wizard nations at the Quidditch Cup

They'll arrive at five here tomorrow
My godpa will be filled with sorrow
If they cannot his godson borrow for the Quidditch Cup

VERNON
These Weasley fellows, they're some of "his kind"
Who sent him that weirdo letter
There's a part o' me says, "Make him stay behind,"
But get rid of the kid, that's better!

HARRY
How will we launch this new safari?
Will we fly a Ford or Ferrari
Through a night sky moonlit and starry toward a Burrow stop?
How I long to be departin' for the Quidditch World Cup!

(Segue to the next day, as HARRY and THE DURSLEYS wait for the 
WEASLEYS to appear)

VERNON:
Did you say they be here at five?
HARRY:
Any moment now they should arrive
VERNON:
Hope that they don't think that they'll be asked for dinner.
PETUNIA
Take the boy, away then they must drive

HARRY
Uncle Vern has got his best suit on
Which he does when there's a dispute on 
Dud's a-feared, now ain't he a cute one, safe-guardin' his butt

(Much to the DUSRLEYS' consternation, confused voices are heard from 
behind the faux fireplace.)

Now we hear a voice, does a nut lurk?

ARTHUR (behind the wall)
No, it's just us via Floo Network
But the damn thing simply will not work
If the chimney's blocked

FRED, GEORGE & RON (behind the wall)
We Weasleys are trapped behind the drywall
This isn't quite what we were hopin'

ARTHUR (behind the wall)
There is a way out that I now recall
It's a spell that'll blast it right open

(The fireplace wall explodes, covering everyone and everything in 
dust as the WEASLEYS emerge.)

ARTHUR (looking around, enraptured)
Muggle home, I could stay here forever

FRED, GEORGE & RON
Yeah, right, sure, Dad, OK, whatever

THE DURSLEYS
No, no, no, no, no, never, never 
Go away and stop!
We dislike it when a family of wizards in drops. 

FRED & GEORGE (to themselves)
Aunt and Uncle ain't fun and cuddly
Harry told us all about Dudley
He's a git who appears none too studly,
Just a greedy thug.

We've a wheeze from the Weasley collection
That's disguised as a harmless confection
Once it's dropped, Dud might make a selection
Of our Toffee Tongue. 

He's takin' the bait just as we had surmised
Soon he'll know something he wrong ate
For his tongue is gainin' an excessive size
To a length of four feet it elongates

(In the ensuing panic, ARTHUR sends his sons and HARRY away via the 
Floo Network, and remains behind to repair the damage.)

ARTHUR
Hush, l'il Dud, your tongue stop a-flappin'
`Tunia & Vern, desist in your scrappin'
Oh, those twins, their wrists I'll be slappin'
For this isn't fun
I'm so sorry `bout their Toffee
And this tongue of one ton. 

(ARTHUR, having returned everyone and everything to normal, takes a 
final affectionate glance around the Muggle native habitat before 
departing via Floo Network.)

      - CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS
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