FILK: You Help Make Me Meaner

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 87506

You Help Make Me Meaner

To the tune of I've Got You to Lean On, from Sondheim's Anyone Can 
Whistle

Hear a partial MIDI at:

http://www.hamienet.com/cat2047.html

Dedicated to Lilac (welcome back to filking!)

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. KREACHER and several Black family 
portraits conspire to repossess their ancestral home.

REGULUS:
Now how did the House of Black go wrong?

KREACHER:
'Cause the Phoenix Order is too strong.

MOTHER BLACK:
Dishonor!

AUNT ELLADORA:
Filth!

ARAMINTA:
Scum!

AUNT ELLADORA:
Half-breed!

MOTHER BLACK:
Dishonor!

AUNT ELLADORA:
Freak!

MOTHER BLACK:
Dishonor!

REGULUS:
Who let the Phoenix Order in?

KREACHER:
I'll give you a single guess, your kin.

REGULUS (indicating a portrait of Sirius):
He did?

KREACHER 
He did.

MOTHER BLACK:
He did?

ARAMINTA:
He did.

REGULUS:
He did.

AUNT ELLADORA:
He did.

MOTHER BLACK AND ARAMINTA:
He did!

ALL (Overlapping):
He'll be defeated!
He'll be defeated!

KREACHER:
Now, here's how to trap him unaware.
We'll target someone for whom he cares.

MOTHER BLACK:
Brilliant!

ARAMINTA:
Clever!

REGULUS:
Good!

MOTHER BLACK:
Brilliant!

REGULUS:
Brilliant!

ARAMINTA:
Brilliant!

KREACHER:
Blood traitors in control, such shame,
Who is the child I most blame?
One guess.

REGULUS:
Who?

MOTHER BLACK:
Harry Potter 

ARAMINTA:
Harry Potter

ALL:
Harry Potter, no chip off the Black block
Harry Potter, we'll teach him to make mock
Harry Potter, at that lad we'll take aim!

MOTHER BLACK:
Damn, she's cleaning again!

(KREACHER withdraws, and the painting all fall silent. The music goes 
up-tempo as MOLLY dances in, with a copy of Gilderoy 
Lockhart's "Guide to Household Pests" in hand)

MOLLY (to Lockhart):
When cleaning up after Dark Arts
I have my own Martha Stewart.
Whenever I must 
Wipe the dust
It's a joy
I've got you to clean with
 
When everything's dingy and gray,
You'll notice I'm scrubbing away!
Just give me a nest
Full of pests 
To destroy. 
When I've you to clean with,
Gilderoy!

PHOTO OF LOCKHART
With me to rely on, you'll get results
Just make this the manual you'll always consult.

MOLLY:
Whenever there's boggarts
Or dirt 
That annoy
I've got you to clean with!

PHOTO OF LOCKHART
You've got me to clean with!

MOLLY:
 I've got you to clean with!

PHOTO OF LOCKHART
You've got -

(Exit MOLLY – KREACHER and the paintings resume their conspiring)

AUNT ELLADORA:
Now, what shall we label him, my friends?
A term for that nephew who offends...

ARAMINTA:
"No-account hound dog."
 
REGULUS:
Brilliant!

AUNT ELLADORA:
Terrible!

REGULUS:
Terrible!

AUNT ELLADORA:
Idiot!
A phrase that's a little more noxious...
One calculated to
Shock us-

REGULUS:
Yes?
 
AUNT ELLADORA:
"Enemy of pureblood."

MOTHER BLACK:
Pureblood...

REGULUS:
Pureblood...

ARAMINTA:
Pureblood!

ALL:
Pureblood!

ARAMINTA:
Enemy of blood!
Enemy of the pure!

OTHERS (Overlapping):
Enemy of pureblood!
Enemy of elves!
Enemy of the pure!
Enemy of the Dark Lord!
Enemy of pureblood!

ALL:
Harry Potter, soon your godpa is through!
Harry Potter, we will strike him through you!
Harry Potter, soon you'll face Voldemort!

(KREACHER pulls out a well-worn photograph of Bellatrix Lestrange and 
gazes at it rapturously)

KREACHER 
Bell, my service is yours
..

(Music again goes up-tempo as KREACHER dances joyously about the 
mansion)

Whenever I'm tempted to swear
Allegiance to my rightful heir
You turn me turncoat
With your vote 
In the fix
You help make me meaner. 

CHORUS OF PAINTINGS 
When everything's vile at home,
We count on our faithful old gnome.
You'd better believe  
He'll conceive 
Evil tricks 
You help make him meaner, Bellatrix!

KREACHER:
What comfort it is in my dank crawlspace
To gaze on that cruel and heavy-lidded face
Because I'm for her ship 
I worship 
Her pix -
You help make me meaner!

CHORUS OF PAINTINGS
You help make him meaner!

KREACHER:
You help make me meaner!

(For the big jitterbugging instrumental finale, the Blacks and 
Bellatrix emerge from their frames and join KREACHER in the dance.  
BLACK-out).

    -	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm