They Have Drove This Wizard Crazy (filk)

[Caius Marcius <coriolan_cmc@hotmail.com>]

No: HPFGUIDX 52009

They Have Drove This Wizard Crazy (GoF, Chap. 28)

To the tune of You Could Drive a Person Crazy from Sondheim's
Company

Hear a MIDI at:

http://www.broadwaymidi.com/shows/company.html

Dedicated to Heidi Tandy (fellow Sondheim-enthusiast)

THE SCENE: The grounds of Hogwarts, adjacent to the Forbidden Forest. 
HARRY & KRUM's ship-related conversation is interrupted by the
ill-
clad appearance of a seemingly insane BARTY CROUCH, SR  
("Doo-doo-
doo-doo's" are inserted as needed by the singers)

CROUCH SR
Doo-doo-doo-doo!
Doo-doo-doo-doo!
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!

HARRY  & KRUM
They have drove this wizard crazy 
They have drove this wizard mad
He has come here in a daze, see
And in tattered robes is clad
 
CROUCH SR (to a clump of trees)
If you'll take a memo quickly send it 
To Beauxbaton
Then deliver here that message transmit
>From the Andorrans.

(CROUCH realizes that HARRY is standing before him, and seizes him 
hysterically)

You can't understand the cursin'
With which they're coercin' me
Many days I've been traversin'
As I converse with the trees

HARRY  & KRUM
At end of he 
His tether be
He thinks he is conversin' here with Weatheby
He's crazy
He's a troubled wizard
He's a truly crazy wizard himself.

HARRY:
Barty Crouch's here encroaching like a creature who
Crawled from out the Black Lagoon
He's demanding now to meet with the head teacher who
To confess that he has been a buffoon

CROUCH
So stupid, irresponsible, imprudent a deed
And everything is purely my fault
So Dumbledore's the person who I really now need
To bring the Dark Lord's plan to a halt

(HARRY runs off to fetch Dumbledore, while KRUM remains with CROUCH. 
Segue to the doorway of Dumbledore's office – HARRY tries to
gain 
admittance, but the doorway remains inert)

HARRY
Knock-knock! Is anybody there?
Knock-knock! I haven't got a prayer!
Knock-knock! The door now opens wide.
Hard knocks! It's Severus Snape inside!

(Enter Snap, with a foul expression)

SNAPE
Ah, you gross infection!
What is wrong?
Can't you change direction?
So long, Potter, so long

HARRY (trying unsuccessfully to make himself clear to SNAPE)
Barty-bitty-Barty-bubbi-Barty,

(to himself) He can drive a student looney
He can make a student stew

SNAPE (to himself)
I hate Potter worse than even Mooney
And all of his Marauder crew

(Enter DUMBLEDORE – HARRY rushes to him)

HARRY
I am not quite sure what he is doing
But one thing's clear
Mister Crouch is all the scen'ry chewing 
As he does King Lear

DUMBLEDORE
Let us undertake a mission
Barty Crouch to intercept
Then we'll learn of this magician
How he wound up so unkempt 

(Exit all. Segue back to Hogwarts grounds, where "MOODY,"
with the 
aid of the Marauder's Map, silently appears. He stuns KRUM, and 
prepares to murder his father.)

"MOODY' (to CROUCH, SR.)
Abusive you!
Obtrusive you!
But now with cursin' via Polyjuice you're through!
You're crackers,
You're an unloved wizard, 
You're a losing, 
DE prosecutor
Tri-Wiz game recruiter
Dying wizard yourself.

Barty is my daddy and I'm takin' him down!

("MOODY" uses the AK curse on his father, and exits, seconds
before 
HARRY and DUMBLEDORE enter.) 

    -	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm