Petunia (filk)

[Caius Marcius <coriolan_cmc@hotmail.com>]

No: HPFGUIDX 49339

Petunia 

To the tune of Noel Coward's Nina (from his 1945 revue Sigh No More)

Dedicated to Lilac (the anti-Petunia)

THE SCENE: Privet Drive. Enter HARRY and the teenage PETUNIA EVANS 
(in 60-ish attire)

HARRY
Of Aunt Petunia
I shall now croon ya
She had a sister
To whom she'd never lend a hand to help assist her
And then one day there came a letter from a bird

It's said, that things `tween her and Lily 
Grew much more chilly
And rather vicious
She found her sister's choice of school to be malicious 
And promptly ridiculed her use of Latin words

She added firmly that she hated
The swish of swift broomsticks during a Quidditch game
She also absolutely stated
That she would not converse with picture frames

PETUNIA
Such supernatural abuses
When she pincushions produces
Or her brewing Polyjuices
No excuses 
Should be made
For Muggle byways are betrayed
By all this magic she's displayed!

HARRY
She lectured her folks to take heed:

PETUNIA (as if to her parents)
Hogwarts is still rank, Mom!
And there is no way I'll read
Any books by L. Frank Baum 
For they are all stink bombs

HARRY
While she was deeply out of humour,
Said Aunt Petunia:

PETUNIA (as if to Lilly)
You have through fraud passed
Those phony old magical courses that they broadcast
And if that angers you, then turn me to a bat!
I think that schools should teach one physics
And maybe classics
With recreation 
But all this studying the art of Apparation 
Is even dumber that than singing Sorting Hat

HARRY
She wished no success to the Express 
Whenever Lily boarded it
Lily drove her to heights of excess
When as Head Girl she was ordered it

PETUNIA
Should have aborted it!

HARRY
When Vernon came to importune ya
And tried to swoon ya
With a proposal 
Which he did upon his bended knee disclose'll
She thought she ought to take it to flee Lily's jive
After a festive celebration
She made migration
And found a suburb
That she was very quick to rate as being superb 
And so she shunned the magic life on Privet Drive

(PETUNIA transfigures into her adult self)

There surely never was a Baby Boomer
As self-absorbed as Aunt Petunia
She proved the ultimate consumer
And much in touch with every rumour
She had a boy she fed so well
But wouldn't teach him how to spell-ell-ell

.

BOTH
He won't cast spells!
Ole!

-	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm 

Note: The original song (which I recommend highly) has a strong Latin 
rhythm. It was intended by Coward as a parody of all those 
moonlit "south-of-the-border" popular songs. The heroine of the title 
is an utterly prosaic young Argentine woman who sees nothing romantic 
whatsoever about her native climes

She said, 'I've seen too many movies
And all they prove is
Too idiotic,
They all insist that South America's exotic
Whereas it couldn't be more boring if it tried.

Nina's intense hatred of dance reminded me of Petunia's hatred of 
magic. The full text can be found here:

http://www.e-tabs.org/tab/noel_coward/nina

I use a shortened version of the song, matching Coward's rendition on 
a 4-CD set, "The Master's Voice"

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-
/B000002SKM/qid=1041913268/sr=1-32/ref=sr_1_32/002-5070723-3712021?
v=glance&s=music#product-details

Unfortunately, no MIDI or audio files that I can find