TBAY/SHIP: Romance on the Big Bang

[Eileen]

No: HPFGUIDX 50133

It is a Dark and Stormy Night. 

Inside the Royal George, Cindy, Derannimer, and Gail
are drinking to their favourite theories outlasting
the Hurricane. A worried look is seen on George's
face, as he scuttles to and fro supplying the
customers with drinks, but he is maintaining calmness
and rationality. At least, business is brisk. His
tavern might be a heap of wreckage come June 21st, but
he could always put his money away in a Swiss bank
account before that and escape to a life of subversion
in fanfic. 

The conversation is beginning to quiet, when the door
of the pub swings open and in staggers a woman. Soaked
from head to foot, her clothes ripped and muddied. 

"Eileen!" cries Cindy. "What's happened to you?
Where's Elkins?"

Eileen stares vaguely at Cindy. "Wh-who am I?" she
says.

"Eileen," repeats Cindy helpfully.

"N-not Avery?"

"No."

"Or Peter Pettigrew?"

"No."

"Or Lucius Malfoy?"

"Good heavens, no!"

"Or Barty Crouch Jr. Please tell me I'm not Crouch
Jr.! I have this feeling I might be."

"Certainly not! What has Elkins been doing to you?
You're Eileen. You're a sailor on the Big Bang. And a
rabid R/Hr shipper."

"But what's my *motivation?*" wails Eileen. 

"She's been CARPed too much," says Gail knowingly to
Derannimer. "CARPed as every sycophant in the books.
It leaves you oddly... disassociated."

Derannimer nods. "Mirror-like, I know. What should we
do?"

"Win her over to Big Banging once and for all," says
Cindy with an evil grin. "Eileen's a Big Bang
dilettante, you know. One moment she's for Banging and
the next she's doing the two-step with George. But
this could all change today. Eileen," she says gently.
"Don't you want to bang your ships?"

Eileen stares blankly about. "Am I supposed to?" she
asks. 

"Get her some brandy," says Cindy. 

"But I thought you didn't like Big Bang shipping!"
whispers Derannimer. 

"I don't," says Cindy. "But it's part of the
corruption process. Get her to bang her ships and
we'll have her soul forever. Our most faithful
servant."

Derannimer nods, grinning, and approaches Eileen. "So
how does R/Hr bang?" she asks.

"Do ships bang?" asks Eileen. "Elkins doesn't bang
ships."

"Elkins put you under the Cruciatus curse and
Imperio'ed you. Wouldn't you enjoy the pleasure... the
very great pleasure... of giving Elkins tit for tat?"

A light appears in Eileen's eye. "But how do ships
bang?" she finally asks.

Gail grins. "I've been giving some thought to Banging
and SHIPs in general. And  I've come to a conclusion;
SHIPs can Bang--almost *any* ship can Bang. *But*
not... oh dear, how can I put this. . . I don't mean a
SHIP 
qua a SHIP. I mean a SHIP combined with something
else."

"A ship combined with a bloody ambush?" asks Cindy. 

"Precisely," says Derannimer. "I really like that.
That can really Bang. See, here's the thing about
Banging SHIPs: the SHIP itself does *not* bang. "Two
people in love," does not Bang."

"Crouch/Winky banged," says Eileen flatly. "Didn't you
see that tidal wave on Theory Bay?"

"Take your mind off Elkins, woman!" says Cindy. 

"At any rate, the point is, most SHIPs don't Bang by 
themselves. What *does* Bang with a Ship, now, is
_what being in love makes people *do,* in reaction to
outside circumstances_."

"Oh, you mean Peter/Lily!" says Eileen happily. "My
favourite theory!"

Everyone gasps. 

"Wait a second," says Derannimer. "We're talking
Hermione, Harry, and Ron here. Not... not... your
twisted ship."

"Trying to bang the trio's shipping is pointless,"
says Eileen.

"Yeah!" says Cindy. "Because, you see, there are four
loves. One is storge, and another is eros, and then
there's philos and agape. JKR likes to bang storge,
but no eros yet."

"No, that's not why," says Eileen. "A minute." She
goes to the door and whistles. 

A second later, a horse canters into the bar, and
Eileen swings herself up into the saddle. 

"Get off that high horse!" shouts Derannimer. "That's
Intentional Fallacy, that is."

"So what?" says Eileen. "I happen to like my
Intentional Fallacy. And, JKR has said that she plans
to keep the trio shipping light and breezy. I don't
have access to my browser right now, but I'm sure any
Sugar Quiller lurking on the list could supply us with
the quote from that Quote Research Thread of theirs."

Eileen hops down off the horse. "And therefore, I'm
shipping the trio so as to accomodate the bangs, not
to bang itself. R/Hr it is."

"But don't you like my bangy love triangle sceneario?"
asks Derannimer. "Where Ron does something stupid
because he's miserable about Harry and Hermione?"

"No!" says Eileen. "I want the shipping to be funny. I
want more Yule Ball-style stuff. Not serious,
angst-inducing stuff. Forget Harry and Ron, heroes of
tangled love stories. Here's to Harry and Ron, the
dates from hell!" she shouts, swigging down her
brandy. 

She jumps up on the table. "Besides," she says. "I
think Hermione's going to be the one to fail Harry
next in some way. She has it coming. She's been set up
for a fall by the author, in my humble opinion. Though
I like your Ron scenario, minus the love triangle. We
could save it for Book Sevem! NO! TRIO SHIPPING SHOULD
NOT BANG!"

"And you make the decisions around here?" mutters
Gail, patting Derannimer sympathetically on the back.

"Now, Peter/Lily!" shouts Eileen, leaning down to take
another glass of brandy from George. "Peter/Lily
BANGS! Much more than any angsty trio love triangle!
Much more than that stupid LOLLIPOPS!"

"Watch it!" cries Cindy in terror. "Tabouli's been
seen lurking about lately."

"I DON'T CARE!" shouts Eileen, downing her brandy, and
reaching for another glass. "Peter/Lily has Eros. It
has Philos. It has Storge. It has Lust. It has
Betrayal. It has a Love Triangle. It has a Bang! And
it's Bent! Unlike that noble and beautiful Snape/Lily
ship. Uggghhh."

"Didn't Eileen used to be a sailor on the LOLLIPOPS?"
asks Gail.

Cindy nods. "It's always the ex-shippers who are that
poisonous. But Eileen, JKR doesn't bang eros!"

"Oh, how do you know, Cindy?" shouts Eileen. "We've
got a while to go!" She jumps off the table. "Excuse
me. I must go and find Elkins."

She storms out into the storm. 

"But I thought she was through with Elkins," says
Derannimer, confused.

Cindy sighs. "No, she's still under the Imperius
curse. That was just a small act of rebellion."

"Small?" says Gail, holding her head in her hands.
"George, could you get me an aspirin?"

Eileen

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