Barty Crouch Knows the Rules (filk)

Thu Jan 30 04:35:57 UTC 2003

No: HPFGUIDX 51063

Inspired by a recent viewing of Chicago, IMO the best screen-version 
Broadway since 1972's Cabaret (this version follows the screen rather 
than the slightly different stage version)

Barty Crouch Knows the Rules (GoF, Chap. 17)

To the tune of They Both Reached for the Gun, from the musical Chicago

Dedicated to Gail B. 

NOTE: This is to be staged like the analogous scene in the film 
version of Chicago, where Richard Gere serves as Renee Zellwegger's 
ventriloquist before a crowd of FeedingFrenzy!Media. I here picture 
CROUCH SR. as a powerless puppet totally under the control of his 
disguised son. Although "MOODY" is obviously speaking for CROUCH, 
none of the participants in the scene take the slightest notice. 

THE SCENE: Darkness

VOLDEMORT (cold high voice-over):
Mr. Barty Crouch Junior sings the "Imperius Rag" –

Notice how his mouth never moves –
helpless
 Almost.

CUT TO: Lights up on a room adjacent to the Great Hall. SNAPE, MAXIME 
& KARKAROFF react with fury to HARRY's inclusion in the TriWizard 
Games, but their arguments are dismissed by the Imperio'd!Barty 
Crouch.

SNAPE (music)
Potter's lying

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
Couldn't happen

KARKAROFF & MAXIME
Did he sneak past?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
We weren't nappin'

SNAPE
Crossed the age line

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
I don't see how

MOODY
Older students weren't involved

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
So that whole argument's dissolved!

KARKAROFF
Resubmit names

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
Don't work that way!

MAXIME 
Then we withdraw!

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
You can't leave now!

MAXIME & KARKAROFF
What's to stop us?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
Tri-Wiz game is 
Binding magical contract
That no one ever can retract 

McGONAGALL (spoken)
An age-line flaw!? Really, what nonsense! Dumbledore believes him. 
That's good enough! Now tell us, Alastor

McGONAGALL & SNAPE (music)
How did Potter
..

"MOODY"
Very simple

MAXIME & KARKAROFF

get his name in?

"MOODY" 
Dark Art Evil 

SNAPE, MAXIME & KARKAROFF
Are you crazy?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)  
Call him "Mad-Eye"!

"MOODY"
Some dark wizard wants him dead

FLEUR (haughtily)
Tri-Wiz prize money turned his head

SNAPE, MAXIME & KARKAROFF
(sarcastically) How'd they do it?

"MOODY"
Confundus Charm

SNAPE, MAXIME & KARKAROFF
(sarcastically) How ingenious!

"MOODY"
Forged a fourth dorm

SNAPE, MAXIME & KARKAROFF
So we'll drop him?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
He must compete 
Use the names from all the schools
Because it says so in the rules

"MOODY"  & BAGMAN
Oh yes Barty Crouch knows the rules
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes he knows
Oh yes, he knows
Oh yes, Barty Crouch knows
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules
Oh yes, Barty Crouch knows the rules
Knows the rules.

MOODY, DUMBLEDORE, McGONAGALL & BAGMAN
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes he knows
Oh yes, he knows
Oh yes, Barty Crouch knows
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules
Oh yes, Barty Crouch knows the rules
Knows the rules.

"MOODY" & CROUCH SR. (to themselves)
Underhandedly, Underhandedly
Yes, I'm/you're perfectly underhandable
Unforgivable, unforgivable
Not a bit unimpeachable
I'm/you're so despicable!

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR) addresses the four champions

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
How're you feeling?

FOUR CHAMPS
Kinda nervous

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
Are you ready?

HARRY 
Are you kidding?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
Here's the first task:
Test your daring
Courage facing the unknown
As you enter our danger zone

FOUR CHAMPS
And?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
Do not ask for

FOUR CHAMPS
What?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)

aid or succor

FOUR CHAMPS
And?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
Skip your finals.

FOUR CHAMPS
What?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
Just bring wands

FOUR CHAMPS
Then what?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
Late November

FOUR CHAMPS
Yikes!

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
Comes apace now

FOUR CHAMPS
When?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
When we see how champions respond!

"MOODY" & CROUCH SR. (to themselves)
Underhandedly, Underhandedly
Yes, I'm/you're perfectly underhandable
Unforgivable, unforgivable
Not a bit unimpeachable
I'm/you're so despicable!

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
Let me hear it!

ALL (except MOODY)
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they'll/we'll all
 Oh yes, they'll/we'll all
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach for 
Their/our wands, their/our wands, their/our wands, 
Their/our wands
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach
For their/our wands

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
A little louder!

ALL (except MOODY)
 For the wands.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they'll/we'll all
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach
For their/our wands, their/our wands

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
Now you got it!

ALL (except MOODY)
 Their/our wands, their/our wands
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach
For their/our wands
For their/our  wands.

MOODY AND ALL 
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they'll/we'll all
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach for 
Their/our wands, their/our wands their/our wands their/our wands 
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach for their/our wands.

ALL (except CROUCH SR.)
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes Barty
Oh yes, Barty
Oh yes, Barty Crouch knows 
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules,
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules,
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules,
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules.

MOODY
Barty Crouch knows the
.rules.

ALL (except MOODY & CROUCH SR.)
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules 
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules
Barty Crouch knows the rules.

    -	CMC

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