Final body count: my predictions

[portrait_of_mrs_black]

No: HPFGUIDX 72942

oh I think you're *so* wrong, my dear friends.

that's what the *real* final body count will be:


Who dies?

Harry – in the end he turns to the "Dark Side" and dies while trying 
to save Voldy from being killed
Remus – because he forgot Mad-Eye's "loosing the buttocks" warning
Hagrid – oh, a *real* hero, that one, he saves Harry from a bunch of 
dreadful and deadly creatures during his own class
Fudge the *Hopeless* - because death's better than admitting 
Dumbledore's right (in his humble opinion)
wormtail – ends up as Crookshanks' End-of-Term Feast
Percy – suicide ("How could I be such a *git*"); he stoles and 
swallows the whole stock of Skiving Snackboxes
Ron – suicide, Hermione dumped him
Neville – during his first Quidditch match (someone finds out that 
his father was the best beater in the history of Hogwarts and so 
Neville makes the team without any try-outs, most unfortunately for 
himself)
Malfoy senior *and* junior – poisoned by Narcissa Malfoy (who turns 
out to be a spy of the Order of the Phoenix) after they discovered 
who she was
Mr. Weasley – killed on duty (ehm while working for the MoM, that is) 
by a fire-ball-spitting toaster
Mrs. Weasley – heart-attack, after finding out where Fred and George 
had the money from
Charlie – well, you know, Norbert wasn't really what one would call 
well-trained
Trelawney – because nobody really likes her anyway
Snape – his death had something to do with the greasy hair but I have 
not figured it out yet (if someone does, please *do* tell me)


Who survives?

Voldy – after seeing Harry's sacrifice he finally understands that he 
was *so* wrong, opens his heart and turns to the "Good Side"; after 
Fudge's death he becomes Minister of Magic
Sirius – turns out he wasn't dead at all (yes, *yes*, YES), just went 
on some kind of a secret mission; becomes Headmaster after Dumbledore 
dies
Dumbledore – well, he dies but he reincarnates in Fawkes and is 
always there to help Sirius with some good advice
Hermione – is revealed as Voldys granddaugter (the Muggle-parents-
thing was just for her protection) and that's why nobody even tried 
to kill her
Ginny – became Mrs. Dobby
Luna – slept over the great last battle 
McGonagall – lost a buttock, but survived; known as Mad-Buttock 
Minerva
Mad-Eye – become the new DADA teacher (this time for real) and Mr. 
Mad-Buttock McGonagall

That's the truth, folks. I used the legilimens spell on JKR, but 
shhh! that's a secret. 
cheers,
portrait_of_that_old_hag_mrs_black