TBAY: Wake Up Call aboard the U.S.S. SAD DENIAL

[Cindy C.]

No: HPFGUIDX 73540

"Hey, George.  Where did everybody go?"

George turned in the direction of the familiar voice in time to see 
Cindy cheerfully bounce her way up the basement stairs.  

"Where have *you* been?" he asked contemptuously.

"Nowhere."

"Nowhere?" George sneered.  "You've taken up with *Igor,* haven't 
you?  Oh that's *disgusting!*"

"You're just *jealous!*" Cindy retorted.  "Now answer my question:  
Where did everybody go?!"

"They're on the SAD DENIAL -– Captain Terry's new ship that says 
Sirius is not dead."

Cindy's knees buckled, her Big Paddle crashing to the floor as she 
steadied herself against the bar.  "Some -– someone is saying Sirius 
is not dead?  And they've got a *ship* and everything?"

"Yep," George smirked.

"Well, we'll see about *that!*" Cindy cried.  With a loud pop, she 
apparated to the deck of the SAD DENIAL.  A breathless Risti had 
already engaged Captain Terry with small arms fire, but Captain 
Terry had successfully dodged the attack.

"Hiya, Captain Cindy!" Terry exclaimed, reaching out and pumping the 
Captain's hand vigorously.  "Welcome aboard the SAD DENIAL!  I'm so 
glad you've turned up!  I have a special cabin just for you, right 
by the boiler room.  You can open the portal to let in the cool bay 
breeze if it gets too -– "

"Rumor has it," Cindy interrupted in a deadly tone, "that you are 
pushing the idea that Sirius is not dead.  Is that true?"

"Oh, *yes,* Captain!" Terry replied.  "He's not dead, you see, 
because of the red and green and first and second curse analysis.  
The way it works is -–"

"*I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE COLORS OF THE CURSES*!!" Cindy shrieked, 
raising her Paddle in the air menacingly.  "I WANT TO TALK ABOUT 
*BANGS!*"  Several of the onlookers hurriedly began strapping on 
life vests and stuffing their pockets with flares.

"Uh, you won't be boarding the SAD DENIAL, then," Terry asked, 
crestfallen.

"Captain Terry, you know that I have been somewhat critical of OoP, 
that I found myself disappointed.  Sirius' death in particular was 
well, rather dud-worthy.  And now you want to deprive me of that 
small bit of carnage, too?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"OoP suffered from a serious, serious Bang Deficit.  I mean, the 
thing barely crackled let alone Banged.  Oh, there was Angst, which 
will make Jo Serenadust happy.  Lots of Angst.  But honest-to-
goodness *Bangs?*  No way."

"Come *on*, Captain," Terry protested.  "OoP had plenty of Bangs."

"No Bangs.  Just Duds."

"No really," Terry insisted.  "I mean, it starts right out with 
Dudley almost having his soul sucked by a dementor."

"No soul suck, so no bang."

"How about Harry's trial for using the Patronus charm?"

"No conviction, so no bang."

"Well, what would you call it when we get a romping good scene where 
the character is in extreme peril but it all works out in the end?"

Cindy wrinkled her nose as though catching a whiff of rotting 
fish.  "Oh, that's not a Bang.  Real Bangs have extreme peril 
usually coupled with a hideous outcome -– like Cedric being cut down 
in the graveyard, with the whole scene written for maximum Angst.  
OoP, though . . . OoP had something else -– like JKR started to 
Bang, she *wanted* to Bang, but she just couldn't go through with 
it -– 'Bang-us Interruptus,' you might say."  

"'Bang-us Interruptus?'" Terry echoed dully.

"Now you've got it!" Cindy cried, clapping Terry hard on the back.

"Given that OoP was almost Bang-free, the least we can do is nurture 
and preserve the few Bangs we do have -– or almost have," Cindy 
said.  "Bangers don't want Sirius alive.  Bangers want him Dead, 
Dead, Dead.  Deader than he is in canon, even.  With lava and 
catwalks and people fighting hand-to-hand while Hermione looks on 
helplessly until one or both plunge screaming to a gruesome, searing 
death, limbs flailing, their lungs -–"

"Er, Captain," Terry said quietly.  "OoP is written.  Done.  
Finished.  It is what it is.  There is no lava.  No catwalk.  No 
screaming.  No plunging, even.  Just a veil."

"Sad but true," Cindy said, looking downcast.  "But that means that 
your ship is headed in the wrong direction entirely.  Sirius alive?  
No, no, no.  And you know what happens to sailors who head off in 
the wrong direction in the Bay, don't you?"

Terry gaped at her.

"They sail off the edge and are never heard from again," Cindy said 
soberly.  "'Cause in Theory Bay, the earth is flat."

******************

Cindy