FILK: Teenage D.E.

[catherinemckiernan]

No: HPFGUIDX 59143

Teenage D.E. 

A filk to the tune of Teenage Dirtbag, by Wheatus 

The teenaged Snape sits in a corner of the Slytherin Common Room. His
school robes look as much like a trenchcoat as safety pins and
spellotape can make them, his tie is a strangled knot three inches
below his collar in this year's "Hogwarts rebel" fashion. A signed-up
member of the disdainful, sneering, Dark Arts loving, grudge-bearing
Slytherin crowd...but he's got a secret. In a corner of his bitter and
twisted heart a little flame burns with hopeless, tragic passion. He
checks to see that he's alone, picks up the imaginary microphone, and
starts to sing.

SNAPE
Her name is Lily
I have a dream about her
Know she's for me
Though she's a Gryffindor
I've got no qualms
Watching her Charms
But she doesn't know who I am
And she doesn't give a damn about me

(leaps out of his seat, twists his face in tormented rocker expression
and screams)

Cuz I'm just a teenage D.E., baby
Yeah, I'm just a teenage D.E., baby
Come on and learn the Dark Arts, baby, with me

Her boyfriend's a berk,
He and his gang of four
Wish I could curse 
Them all, but there's Dumbledore
He's on their side -
Such an easy ride - 
Wish I was one of those guys 
Imagine the look in her eyes!

Cuz I'm just a teenage D.E., baby
Yeah, I'm just a teenage D.E., baby
Come on and learn the Dark Arts, baby, with me
Ooh yeah, D.E.
Yeah, I'm gonna join Voldemort
Ooh yeah, D.E.
Yeah, I'm gonna join Voldemort

It's the Quidditch Cup
Gryffindor's won again
She's getting up
Walkin' right past the team
Is it a dare
But look at them stare
Seems that she knows who I am
But why does she give a damn about me?

(Everyone's down by the Quidditch pitch, when suddenly through the
Gryffindor and Slytherin teams and their massed fans a figure comes
walking, a vision in black patent leather buckled shoes and virgin
socks. Yes, it's Lily Evans. The crowds part before her as she flips
back her long red hair, pulls a big stripy lollipop out of her mouth
and beckons to the gobsmacked Snape)

LILY
I've always wanted to learn the Dark Arts, baby
Wouldn't you like to teach me, maybe
I'm just a teenage D.E. baby, like you, ooh
Ooh yeah, D.E.
Yeah, I'm gonna join Voldemort
Ooh yeah, D.E.
Yeah, I'm gonna join Voldemort

****

Hurrah! My first filk. Thanks to Caius Marcus for hours of
entertaining reading and inspiration at his collected filks website.

Catherine McK