FILK: Transfiguration (revised)

[Haggridd]

No: HPFGUIDX 59482

I have made a few tweaks to the original filk in order that persons 
other than contortionists are able to sing it. This version is much 
easier on the
tongue.

As you know, iit is a filk based on "New Math" by Tom Lehrer (may 
blessings be upon his name).

Italics are indicated by enclosing the relevent words within 
asterisks.  Asterisks themselves are not intended. Among other 
functions, these show McGonagall speaking to her class, in the same 
manner as Lehrer did to his audience at the *hungry i* in San 
Francisco.  Neither Tom nor Minerva sang these respective passages.
                   
                         Transfiguration

SCENE:  Professor Minerva McGonagall is giving a lecture to her 
students:

   *Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic 
you will learn at Hogwarts.  Anyone messing around in my class will 
leave and not come back.  You have been warned.
    It is important that you understand what you're doing rather than 
just get the right answer.
    Consider the following Transfiguration problem:  
turn a tortoise into a teapot*

Now, teapots cannot walk,
So they don't need feet,
So you remove four tiny tortoise feet.
Now likewise, there's no nose,
So you give them a spout,
Regroup, and you change their tops into lids,
And you add handles right there at the back,
And you take away tails, that's fine.
Is that clear?

Now instead of a mouth in its face
You've a spout,
'Cause you need liquid,
That is to say, tea, to come out,
But you can't make tortoise-shell tea,
So you make a ceramic shell.

You can then boil the water
To make the tea...
(And you know why you just cannot pour boiling water
Directly into a tortoise shell?
Because you will end up with tortoise soup, right!)...
And so you've got tortoise shells,
And you take away the tops, and that leaves tea...

    *Well, soup actually. ... You see why organization is the 
important thing?*

Now go back to the ceramic shell,
And you're almost done,
And you make a pretty design,
And that leaves...?

*   Everybody get a teapot?  No, Master Longbottom, it is not 
supposed to be a tortoise that breathes steam.*

Transfiguration,
Transformation,
It really takes a lot of imagination.
It's not simple,
Not very simple;
Master Longbottom cannot do it!

*Now, actually, that is not the answer that I had in mind, because in 
the book that I got this spell out 
of, Emeric Switch's "A Beginner's Guide To Transfiguration", they 
want you to turn a guinea-fowl into a guinea-pig.  But don't panic. 
The basic principles are the same.  Shall we have a go at it?
Hang on...*

A guinea-pig can't fly,
Flying is for birds,
So you change the bird to a mammal.
Now it doesn't have ears,
So you give it pig's ears,
Regroup and you conjure up a pigtail,
And you add it to its rump,
And you get a little tail,
Which should not be curled,
And you take away the corkscrew shape.

*Okay?*

Now, instead of two feet, called talons, 
You've got four.
'Cause you added two
That is to say, hooves, to the two
Talons, but you can't add any more feet,
Or you might end up with insects.

*Insects?  "How did insects get into it?"  I hear you cry.  Well, 
insects and arachnids will be for next year, don't you know?  So if 
you have any more silly questions, ask Miss Granger for the answers.*

>From the feet you then go right
To its face,
And you turn its beak to a nose,
And you get a guinea-pig's snout.

Or, in other words,
Guinea-fowl only have two feet.
If you then add on two more feet,
Then two feet plus two others are four.

Now forget about the insects,
And we're left with skin,
And you change feathers into fur,
And that leaves...?

    *Now, let's not always see the same hands.  Right, Miss Granger?  
    No, Master Longbottom, your teapot is not supposed to have 
feathers.*

Transfiguration,
Transformation,
It really takes a lot of determination.
It's not simple,
Not very simple;
Master Longbottom cannot do it!

-Haggridd