(FILK) Don't Let's Be Beastly to the D.E.s

[catherinemckiernan]

No: HPFGUIDX 59777

A filk to the tune of _Don't Let's Be Beastly to the Germans_ by Noel
Coward (still hilarious after 60 years)

I can see myself getting hooked on this. Dedicated to Gail Bohacek and
Caius Marcius - glad you liked my first attempt. 

THE SCENE: Voldemort has been defeated and time is moving on.
Meanwhile, the elder Mr Crouch has been shunted sideways into the
Department of International Magic Co-operation after finding that his
hard-line attitudes are falling out of favour at the Ministry, where
Cornelius Fudge and other interest groups advocate a somewhat
different approach.

FUDGE: 
Don't Let's Be Beastly to the D.E.s
Now that death's at last caught up with Voldemort. 
Now we know we've got the ringleaders holed up in Azkaban, 
And letting out the Lestranges, well, mistakes are made by man! 
As for all the rest
The Wizarding world must do its best
On a quest for harmony to embark
They murdered and tortured our friends, we know, 
With Avada Kedavra and Crucio 
But don't let's be beastly to the Dark.

We must be fair
And with an open air
Promise that we'll give ev'ryone a trial.
All except of course the ones we know are guilty
There we'll lock the door and close the file
Excepting Black
We'll welcome the whole pack
And pat them on the back
And really show now they're not foe
We're ever so delighted and excited to embrace them
Those noble families, how on earth would we replace them?

LUCIUS MALFOY:
Don't let's be beastly to the D.E.s
We were only doing it for a lark.
That is, we've assured you we were under Imperius
So it's really Voldemort you've a quarrel with, not us.
Give us power again
We'll wait 'til it's our hour again
We can use cosmetics on the Mark!
Let us back in the Ministry
It's just the way to prove you're free
But don't let's be beastly to the Dark.

SNAPE and KARKAROFF:
We said we'd turn
But when the Dark Mark burns
That's when we'll choose if we will stay.
If You-Know-Who arise again we know we're done for
Then will we help Harry to save the day?
And so we grit
Our teeth and champ the bit
Because we could just spit
At fools who think that rules and children's schools
And gestures grand and heads-in-the-sand might ever serve us
We'd rather trust in cunning to preserve us.

FANS:
Don't let's be beastly to the D.E.s
(We make this plea without a trace of sarc-
Asm.) Each one of them's Dead Sexy, despite a moral lapse
Even their enemies would admit they're rather intriguing chaps.
Rookwood, Wilkes and Rosier, 
Snape despite his greasy hair,
Who could be blind to the romantic spark?
Oh, give us Malfoy and Lestrange
Bring us Avery back again
But don't let's be beastly to the Dark! 

Catherine McK (wondering if the Dark Mark could be removed by plastic
surgery, or if, being magical, it would just reappear)