A TBAY/FILK /OOP Extravaganza: Death Row Tango.

[Kirstini]

No: HPFGUIDX 60981

(After sifting through old TBAY posts to look for help in the 
sweepstake my friends and I are setting up on Friday, and paying 
attention to the various "Who's going to die?" threads, I came up 
with this idea for a FILK, which I've been squirreling away at all 
week. It's my first one... I would like to thank Pip!Squeak, as 
her "Doomed" post earlier this evening gave me a good idea for how 
to finish it off. I'd also like to wave to Errol, Marina, Eileen, 
and whoever it was who came up with the idea that Lupin eats Dennis 
Creevy (couldn't find the post), for various influences, and I'd 
like to point out that any reference to Captain Cindy here is an 
homage and not in any way intended to cause offense! Kirstini.)

"Death Row Tango" (to the tune of "Cell Block Tango" from the 
musical Chicago)

Date: June the 20th, 2003.
Scene: Azkaban, hastily done up to look like an old-style theatre. 
The auditorium is full of HPFGU listies, in various states of 
distress. Occasionally, some of them pop their heads up to sing a 
line or two. On stage, Hagrid, the Creevey brothers, Bill Weasley, 
Lupin , Dobby and Hermione are raised on plinths. The stage below is 
patrolled by around 400 Dementors and, oddly, Captain Cindy, Big 
Paddle in hand. She keeps eyeing Hermione. The characters are uneasy 
and speak in mutters, except Hermione, who keeps rolling her eyes 
and mouthing "This is SO stupid. I can't believe I'm even HERE." 

HAGRID: Mum.
COLIN AND DENNIS: Fans.
BILL: Weasley.
LUPIN:Silver hand!
HERMIONE: Cindy!
DOBBY: Sacrifice.
HAGRID: Maxime.
COLIN AND DENNIS: Two.
BILL: Fleur.
LUPIN: Usurped.
HERMIONE: Cin-DY!
DOBBY: House Elf Rights. 
 
LISTIES (some of them tearing their hair out in frustration):
We'll never make it!
We'll never make it!
There's only one short day to go!
And now we're wondering,
Who's going to peg it?
CINDY (eyeing Hermione nastily)
Yeah, that's what we all want to know!

HAGRID: Norbert. 
DENNIS Scrapes.
BILL: Cool.
LUPIN: Suicide.
HERMIONE (arms folded): Cindy.
DOBBY: Emphasised! 

HAGRID(Spoken):
Now, I know that you people (Forty-six percen' of yer if I remember 
righ') `ave pretty much decided that I'm goin' ter die at some poin' 
in the next book. Yer jus' carn work out how, can yer?
Bludgeoned ter death by an unforgivin' mother? Wiped out by one 
swish of Baby Norbert's tail? Yer've even got Charlie Weasley lined 
up ter succeed me in Care of Magical Creatures, aven't yer? I might 
as well be wearing a red jersey, yer say. Buddin' romance, possible 
reconciliation with me mother
? Well, I'm not 'appy about it. Nope, 
not 'appy about it at all. In fact, it all just really makes me want 
ter...cry...
(He pulls out a hankerchief the size of Bournemouth and begins 
sobbing noisily. Much of the next chorus is inaudible due to loud 
nose-blowing coming from the stage, but the Listies sing on bravely 
anyway.)

46% OF THE LISTIES:
He's got it coming!
He's got it coming!
He'll end up savaged by his mum!

Cos Coltrane's contract
Will not be renewed:
Fridwulfa'll squish you under her thumb!
He's got it coming -
He's got it coming -
Hagrid is Ever So Dead!
And what a lesson
For little Harry,
MARINA:
Might as well stamp "Dead Meat" on your head!

ALL:
Who's got it coming?
We'll never make it!
There's only one short day to go!
Anticipation's
Driving us crazy!
Just who'll feel the force
Of the green glow?

COLIN CREEVEY (Spoken):
I met Harry Potter from Gryffindor about three years ago.
DENNIS:
Colin told me all about him.
COLIN:
I think he's great.
DENNIS:
I think he's great too.
BOTH:
We've got photos of him all over our wall at home.
COLIN:
Yeah, I suppose you could pretty much call us Harry Potter fans.
DENNIS:
Special fans. He was raised a Muggle, you know.
BOTH:
Just like we were!
DENNIS:
Yeah, apart from Hermione, I suppose you could say we were the only 
featured Muggle-borns in Gryffindor.
COLIN:
Except Dean Thomas.
DENNIS:
Mmm, but nobody ever talks about Dean Thomas.
COLIN (whispered)
They talk about us, though.
DENNIS (happily):
Maybe that's because we just keep on getting into scrapes!
COLIN:
Or because, since you came to Hogwarts, there's two of us


LISTIES:
They've got it coming!
They've got it coming!
We never liked them anyway!
In CoS when Colin,
Met the Basilisk,
Hey, well we all kinda thought "fair play".
Prepared to bet it!
One of them gets it!
They are a most annoying pair.
And now with Dennis,
There's one too many,
PIP!SQUEAK:
And JKR loves to kill the spare!
 
But! What of Bill Weasley?
See Bill break curses!
He's just a little bit too cool -
ERROL:
He's ripe for romance,
Off to fight Voldie– 
Oh, you all know the red jumper rule!

[HAGRID AND THE CREEVEYS:
Stabbed, hung, munched, sacrificed,
Infanticide, Kedavra!]

BILL (spoken)
Now, I come from a big family. There's loads of us. Hundreds of us. 
Almost *too* many of us, you might say. And hey, I'm aware how much 
the kids look up to me. Well, there's no other word for it – I'm 
cool. Iconically so. What's that? Yes, I did take rather an 
inordinate amount of time off work last year for no apparent reason. 
Fleur? Well, she *is* quite attractive, yes...And yes, I know 
there's great tragic potential in a Weasley death. But - does it 
*hafta* be me? Why not Percy? Or Fred? George? Charlie? Ginny? Ohhh, 
it's just not fair!!

[HAGRID, CREEVEYS, LUPIN, DOBBY:
Stabbed, hung, munched, sacrificed,
Infanticide, Kedavra!
Stabbed, hung, munched, sacrificed,
Infanticide, Kedavra!
Stabbed, hung, munched, sacrificed,
Infanticide, Kedavra!
Stabbed, hung, munched, sacrificed,
Infanticide, Kedavra!]

PIP!SQUEAK AND ERROL:
We don't know Charlie,
Percy's got story...
Real shame that red clashes with your hair!

LUPIN (Spoken, pleasantly):
Now, I can understand why you've put me here. You're the cleverest 
listies of your age. Five points to Gryffindor. Since Sirius was 
redeemed, Harry doesn't really need me, and I suppose Hagrid's now 
got the monopoly on stigmatised minority groups. There's just no 
place for me anymore. But eating little Dennis Creevey and then 
opening my wrists in a warm bath? Isn't that a tad dramatic? 
Besides, there's hardly any meat on him. [He smiles wolfishly. Half 
the audience swoons. Dennis whimpers.]
And yes, I'm also worried about that silver hand. Very worried


LARGE BUNCH OF MOURNFUL-LOOKING WOMEN (20-45ish), WEARING "L.I.D.S" 
BADGES AND DRESSED IN BLACK(slowly):
Although it pains us
We think you're for it.
EILEEN:
You're half in love with easeful death.
MOURNFUL LOOKING WOMEN:
Please just remember
Our hearts will rupture.
When Remus draws in his final breath.

(Mournful, slow music, rather like the sound of a thousand 
fingernails scraping an enormous blackboard, sounds, until Hermione 
loses patience and shouts across it) 

HERMIONE:
ENOUGH!
Look, this is ridiculous. I'm only up here because Cindy has made a 
rather foolhardy bet, and owes a lot of money at the Royal George. 
Let me stress: There is NO CANONICAL PRECEDENT for my death. None. I 
mean, I'm a central character, for Merlin's sake! I'm in the Trio! 
I'm the only role model for little girl readers
in the entire series! I've got Future Head Girl of Hogwarts stamped 
all over me – that means I *have* to make it through to Book Seven! 
No. You're wrong. You're wrong. Sure. Go ahead. Kill off the *only* 
main Muggle-born character. Not likely, is it. And anyway, what 
about all that sexual tension? I've got such a lovely little set-up
coming with Ron...
(her speech tails off as someone from the audience throws a red 
jumper at her. It hits her in the face. Cindy takes advantage of 
this temporary silencing to harangue Hermione, and the audience)

CINDY
You're gonna get it!
You're gonna get it!
You have annoyed me far too long!
Miss Goody Two Shoes,
You've got it coming!
Oh yes, I'm going to prove y'all wrong!
Well just you wait now.
Page 938 now.
Because it's really not that far.
When she gets AK-ed
Then you will all PAY!
And I can settle my tab at the bar!

(At this point, Cindy realises she has been shouting to a completely 
silent auditorium. The embarrassment only feeds her rage, and she 
rushes towards Hermione's plinth screaming "DIE, YOU BUSHY-HAIRED 
WITCH!". A green light flashes out from the tip of the Big Paddle 
towards Hermione. Happily, Harry makes a quick cameo at this point, 
appearing round the side of the proscenium arch to stick his 
forehead quickly in the way of Cindy's AK. All four hundred 
Dementors attempt to Kiss Cindy at this point, but she swats them 
away with a few strokes of the Paddle, and continues to advance on 
Hermione. She is finally stopped by a crowd of bookish, bushy-
haired, buck-toothed women and girls of all ages, who swarm 
furiously over the orchestra pit and onto the stage and cart Cindy 
off to St Mungo's in a straitjacket.)

BUSHY-HAIRED WOMEN WHO IDENTIFY WITH HERMIONE:
You just can't stand there!
You just can't say that!
We will not hear such blasphemy!
May we remind you, 
That you're a Muggle!
So you *can't* AK Hermione!


HERMIONE
I'm going to make it!
CINDY (as she is dragged offstage)
You've got it coming!
LISTIES
Who's going to get it?
CINDY:
I'll get you, Granger!
LISTIES:
 There's only one short day to go!
CINDY:
Oh just admit it!
LISTIES:
We're so excited!
CINDY:
Hermy is worm-meat! 
LISTIES:
So who'll be proved right?
CINDY:
In fact why don't you just pay up now?
LISTIES:
Who's going to bite it?
CINDY:
You *know* I've cracked it! 
LISTIES:
Who'll feel the full force
CINDY (as she is gagged)
Mmmph mmph Mmph Mph!!
 LISTIES:
Of the green glow?

(Frustrated, the Dementors turn on the audience, who all begin 
reliving the moment when they realised that Book 5 wouldn't be out 
for three years. There are a few suicide bids. Lupin jumps off his 
plinth and starts administering chocolate frogs, nobly. In the 
ensuing chaos, nobody notices Dobby tiptoe forward into a wobbly 
spotlight)

DOBBY:
Dobby loves Harry Potter more than he can possibly say. Dobby is 
what he thinks you is calling a fan. Dobby would willingly lay down 
his life for Harry Potter, if Harry Potter asked him to. Even if he 
didn't ask him to [disturbed giggle]; because House-Elves are liking 
to do things for others. Missis JK Rowling has been emphasising this 
many times, Dobby thinks. Infact, Dobby wonders if perhaps he 
shouldn't just save Master Hagrid, Professor Master Lupin, Master 
Bill and Mistress Herminny from all this trouble and nominate 
himself to die in Book Five. Dobby is not good enough to exist on 
the same planet as Harry Potter's friends! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Bad 
Dobby!
(Hermione finally wrenches the mallet Dobby has been pounding 
himself over the head with out of his long fingers, while Hagrid 
distracts him with a pair of very large, rather smelly socks.)

KIRSTINI (after wondering vaguely if it's a bit bigheaded to put 
oneself in one's own FILK):
You've got it coming!
You've got it coming.
You'll make a lovely sacrifice.
When Winky flips it,
You're going to bite it  -
You're going to die for House Elf Rights!

PIP!SQUEAK:
Oh they're all doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed - 
Yup, they're all doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed!

PIP!SQUEAK, ERROL, EILEEN, KIRSTINI, MARINA and CAPTAIN CINDY (who 
has re-stormed the stage):
They've got it coming! 
LISTIES:
We'll never make it!
THE CHARACTERS
We're getting worried!
LISTIES:
We'll never make it!
ALL:
There's only one short day to go!
LISTIES:
Well, someone's got to!
HAGRID, LUPIN, DOBBY (looking at each other)
Yes, *someone's* got to

LISTIES:
If someone's got to –
HERMIONE, BILL AND THE CREEVEYS:
Someone *has* got to...
LISTIES:
And it might as well be one of you!!

HAGRID (Spoken)
Nope, nope, not `appy at all..

COLIN AND DENNIS (sounding rather like the scary twins from The 
Shining):
There's two of us.

BILL (Spoken):
Very attractive young lady


LUPIN (Spoken):
Five points to Gryffindor.

HERMIONE (Muttered):
I'm not even going to dignify this with a response.

DOBBY (Screeched, manically):
Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!

ALL (big finish):
But then it might well be Arabella Figg!