TBAY/OoP: Ashes to Ashes and a lucrative marketing opportunity

[Kirstini]

No: HPFGUIDX 65122

A small, curly head pokes round the side of the Theory Bay Funeral 
Home and Crematorium. There's no one about – the TBAY denizens are 
either drowning their sorrows and preparing to regroup in the Royal 
George, or attending one of the many memorial services Cindy has 
thoughtfully organised. The curly-haired figure scampers round to 
the front of the building and looks around once again. Still no one. 
She pulls a wand out of one of the many pockets in her over-sized 
greatcoat, and whispers "Constructio!". There is a puff of dust, and 
a small wooden shack appears, leant up against the rather statelier 
Funeral Home. The curly-haired figure waves her wand again, 
muttering "Merchandico!" A huge, flashing neon sign erupts out from 
the loose roofing tiles of the shack, bearing the legend "Kirstini's 
Souvenir Shack: Get `Em While They're Hot!"
Kirstini herself stands back and stares, then gives a satisfied nod. 
She enters the shack by a door tied onto the front wall with string, 
and pulls up a dirty Venetian blind that looks as though it has come 
straight out of a skip, creating an open space which could have been 
called a window were there any glass in it. Moving quickly, she 
begins to pull things out of the pockets of her greatcoat and 
arrange them around the window. She begins by decorating the window 
space with Fourth Man Memorial Rosettes, all of which are 
squeaking "Nobody mentioned the third Lestrange!" She sets up a line 
of bumper stickers in similar colours, all of which spell out "AVERY 
WAS ROBBED!" A large cardboard sign over a pile of black cloth 
reads: "SILK SHIRTS – now with canonically reinforced stitching!" 
Another one advertises "Memory Charmed!Neville Commemorative 
Invisibility Cloaks– as recommended by Mungdungus Fletcher!", and a 
third, "Genuine Shreds of Florence's Cloak!". Kirstini also produces 
a set of hooks dangling some rather cheap-looking thongs with felt 
pen scribbled all over them, and lines up some mugs with SAD DENIAL 
printed on them in wobbly letters. Finally, she sets out a tray of 
pies on the window ledge, and checks one of the twenty-three watches 
attached to the inside of the greatcoat. "It's almost time," she 
mutters, taking off the greatcoat and settling a flat cap on her 
head.

The doors of the Theory Bay Funeral Home creak open slowly. A group 
of weeping people descend the sagging wooden steps, blinking in the 
sunlight which has broken over the Bay for the first time in a week. 
Kirstini points her wand at her throat and says "Vandykio!"
"H-he might be *redeemed!* Just like Crouch Sr.! It could 
happen, you know. I know it could! I *believe* in redemption!" 
Eileen sobs into Avery's steady shoulder. Kirstini clears her throat.
"Raahhhhl up! Rahhhhhl up! Lay-dees an' gennulmen , get yore gen-oo-
ine pre-`urricane souvienirs rahht `ere! Offi-shee-al Kingsley 
Shacklebolt Thongs, get `em while they're still in stock!"
The mourners look up, their attention attracted both by the flashing 
lights, and by Kirstini's awful cockney accent.
"Looking for samfing to fill that PINE-shaped space left by young 
Percy's transgression? Raahhhll up, rahhhll up, warm yah bellies 
with a nahice slahice of the Souvienir Shack's very own HUMBLE PIE!"
Heedful of the words with which George had closed the service, some 
of the mourners, those who weren't muttering darkly about "lowering 
the tone of the neighbourhood", moved closer. Kirstini had picked up 
one of the pies and had set the label wrapped around it flashing. A 
small picture of Sirius on the label had started gesticulating to a 
speech bubble beside him, which said "The world isn't split into 
good people and Death Eaters".
"Tasteful, ain't they?" commented Kirstini to the small crowd of 
mourners edging closer to the Shack. 
"What
um, what's *in* the PIES, exactly?" asked Eileen, dabbing her 
eyes on Avery's tie.
Kirstini tapped her wand against the label on the pie, and the 
letters wriggled around, words forming out of nowhere.
HUMBLE PIE: How Umbridge Modernises Badness/Light Enquiries: Percy 
Is Evil.
" 'Sa simple enough premise." said Kirstini, straightening her cap 
again. "See, wiv the introduction of Dolores Umbridge intah the mix, 
the reader learns that there's more than one way to be Ever So Evil –
 therefoh paving the way for Percy to be equally Evil, but yet not a 
Death Eatah. Eh?" She looks up to see Cindy, in a very fancy 
admiralty hat and uniform, scowling down from one of the steps and 
slapping her Paddle against her hand. 
"Hey!" Cindy snarls. "I recognise those thongs..."