No: HPFGUIDX 54393
Here is a filk based on "New Math" by Tom Lehrer (may blessings be
upon his name).
The original song can be heard at this link:
http://music.barnesandnoble.com/search/product.asp?ean=75992743426
Italics are indicated by enclosing the relevent words within
asterisks. Asterisks themselves are not intended. Among other
functions, these show McGonagall speaking to her class, in the same
manner as Lehrer did to his audience at the *hungry i* in San
Francisco. Neither Tom nor Minerva sang these respective passages.
I dedicate this filk to Gail Bohacek, in homage to her brilliant filk
of the Tom Lehrer song "Lobachevsky" titled "Karkaroff".
Transfiguration
SCENE: Professor Minerva McGonagall is giving a lecture to her
students:
*Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic
you will learn at Hogwarts. Anyone messing around in my class will
leave and not come back. You have been warned.
It is important that you understand what you're doing rather
than just get the right answer.
Consider the following Transfiguration problem:
turn a tortoise into a teapot*
Now, teapots cannot walk,
So they don't need feet,
So you remove four tiny tortoise feet.
Now likewise, there's no nose,
So you give them a spout,
Regroup, and you change their tops into lids,
And you add handles right there at the back,
And you take away tails, that's fine.
Is that clear?
Now instead of a mouth in its face
You've a spout,
'Cause you need liquid,
That is to say, tea, to come out,
But you can't make tortoise-shell tea,
So you make a ceramic shell.
You can then boil the water
To make tea...
(And you know why you just cannot pour
It into a tortoise shell?
'Cause you will end up with tortoise soup, right!)...
And so you've got tortoise shells,
And you take away the tops, and that leaves tea...
*Well, soup actually. You see why organization is the important
thing?*
Now go back to the ceramic shell,
And you're almost done,
And you make a pretty design,
And that leaves...?
*Everybody get a teapot? No, Master Longbottom, it is not
supposed to be a tortoise that breathes steam.*
Transfiguration,
Transformation,
It really takes a lot of imagination.
It's not simple,
Not very simple;
Master Longbottom cannot do it!
*Now, actually, that is not the answer that I had in mind,
because in the book that I got this spell out of, Emeric Switch's "A
Beginner's Guide To Transfiguration", they want you to turn a guinea-
fowl into a guinea-pig. But don't panic. The basic principles are
the same. Shall we have a go at it?*
A guinea-pig can't fly,
Flying is for birds,
So you change the bird to a mammal.
Now it doesn't have ears,
So you give it pig's ears,
Regroup and you conjure up a pigtail,
And you add it to its rump,
And you get a little tail,
Which should not be curled,
And you take away the corkscrew shape.
Now, instead of two feet, called talons,
You've got four.
'Cause you added two
That is to say, hooves, to the two
Talons, but you can't add any more feet,
Or you might end up with insects.
*Insects? "How did insects get into it?" I hear you cry.
Well, insects and arachnids will be for next year, don't you know?
So if you have any more silly questions, ask Miss Granger for the
answers.*
>From the feet you then go right
To its face,
And you turn its beak to a nose,
And you get a guinea-pig's snout.
Or, in other words,
Guinea-fowl have only two feet,
And you then add two more feet,
And two feet plus two more feet is four.
Now forget about the insects,
And we're left with skin,
And you change feathers into fur,
And that leaves...?
*Now, let's not always see the same hands. Right, Miss Granger?
No, Master Longbottom, your guinea-pig is not supposed to have
feathers.*
Transfiguration,
Transformation,
It really takes a lot of determination.
It's not simple,
Not very simple;
Master Longbottom cannot do it!
-Haggridd