I know Molly.....

[Doriane]

No: HPFGUIDX 84220


I'm not especially trying to defend Molly or anything, but it seems 
to me, Laura, that you sometimes have slightly unrealistic views of 
modern or not-so-modern moms.

--- In HPforGrownups at yahoogroups.com, "jwcpgh" <jwcpgh at y...> wrote:


> Laura responds:
> Of course, there isn't a perfect child-rearing system.  So the fact 
> that Molly treats all of her children exactly the same way should 
> make you wonder.  They're hardly all the same sort of people.

I know many parents out there who treat all their kids the same. My 
mom did :-) (and that nearly spelled disaster, lol)

> Yes, exactly-it's Molly's attachment that isn't healthy.  No, it's 
> not a natural maternal effect, whatever that is.  It's Molly.  
> Can't help you on the parenting manuals question, I'm afraid.  But 
> the ones I read back in the day all agreed that the parent's job is 
> to enable the child to achieve independence.  Adult children and 
> parents should have a loving and close relationship, if possible, 
> but not a dependent one.  

Wow wow wow !! Now that's something YOU have read about, because 
you've tried to be an enlightened mom ! But do you have any idea how 
many parents out there STILL believe that kids are some kind of 
creations that must be molded to fit their parents' expectations ? 
The very notion that parents should "enable the child to achieve 
independence" would make quite a few parents, young or old, gape at 
you with amazement and confusion in their eyes. I still hear very 
often variations along the line of : "I made my kids for my own 
pleasure, they have to do what I want".

And as far as saying that Molly's attachment is not healthy, I think 
you're going too far. Molly wants what's best for her kids and she 
thinks she knows better than they do, so what ? Seems perfectly 
normal to me. Wrong, but normal. She hasn't realised Bill is an 
adult, and maybe she never will, like many *many* moms. Perfectly 
normal, nothing unhealthy in that.

> Laura:
> Women who are mothers, even full time mothers (like me) have to 
> have some sort of independent emotional and/or intellectual lives 
> to be healthy and balanced human beings.

YOU think that. I've met quite a few women who think something 
entirely different, namely that true happiness comes only in losing 
yourself completely in the service of yout family. If that makes them 
happy, who can say it's not healthy ?

> Laura responds:
> I was suggesting that the women I know who are at-home 
> mothers benefit, as I have, from some degree of a life away from 
> their kids.  Even if it's a walk around the block by yourself or 
> watching tv and knitting, all parents (including full-time dads) 
> can use a bit of a break now and then.

But some don't WANT to ! For some it's simply painful to be away from 
their family, even for the shortest of times !

> Laura responds:
> 
> So Molly was a very busy and no doubt very tired 
> woman for many years.  When we first meet her, she is down to only 
> one at home, and that one has gotten past the age of complete 
> physical dependence.  She doesn't actually *need* to be a full-time 
> parent any more.  She chooses to be one.  Which is a bit 
> challenging if you don't have any kids at home, as happens the 
> following year.  Molly wants to keep doing her job the same way she 
> always has even though its parameters have changed dramatically.

You know, most people don't react *that* quickly to changes in their 
lives. I guess Molly just didn't realize beforehand how drastically 
her life would change once Ginny was off to school. And even after 
Ginny left, it might have taken months, maybe even years, for Molly 
to understand why she wasn't feeling too good. In real life, it often 
takes years for people to pinpoint the origin of their unhappiness.

> Laura responds:
> Yes, and how should you deal with fear?  By gaining power over it.  

Honestly ! Look around you and tell me how many people actually deal 
with fear by gaining power over it ?! Most people I know, including 
me, simply RUN away, and refuse point-blank to face their fear, until 
they are somehow forced to, or until they have gathered enough 
courage to finally face it.

> And the way people can do that in the WW is to learn what it will 
> take to defeat LV and his DEs.  Knowledge is power.  Molly wants to 
> deprive her kids of that.  If you don't give your kids the tools 
> they need to take care of themselves in the world, you've done them 
> a grave (in this case, perhaps fatal) disservice.  The evil doesn't 
> go away because Mommy didn't tell you about it.  Intellectually I 
> understand why Molly acts as she does.  But I couldn't do that to 
> my kids.  I'd want to give them whatever it would take for them to 
> survive.

So maybe you can help me with a problem I'll have to face in a few 
years : how do you tell a child about sex offenders that prey on 
kids ? Do you just tell them that there are bad people out there, and 
give them the techniques to avoid them (not get into cars, not take 
candy, etc...) ? But that would be akin to withholding information 
from them, wouldn't it ? So do you actually tell them WHAT those 
people are going to do to them if they catch them ? I personally 
can't imagine telling a kid, whether he be 5 or 15, about rape, 
torture, prostitution, porn, etc... I know I'll have to someday, but 
it revulses me. Just imagining the look of horror in their eyes when 
the full image of what I'm telling them sinks in their minds breaks 
my heart... Molly is just like me : trying to preserve her kids' 
*innocence* !

> Laura :
> 
> What I'm saying is 
> that she wants to keep her children dependent on her because she 
> doesn't seem to see another alternative for herself.  You always 
> keep your protective feelings no matter how old your kids get.  But 
> you don't act the same way with a 15 year old as you do with a 15 
> month old, and you don't act the same way with a 25 year old as you 
> do with a 15 year old.  

Then why do you think so many parents do just that ?

Del