When Umbridge Takes Command (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 81986

When Umbridge Takes Command (OOP, Chap. 28, 32)

To the tune of When Velma Takes the Stand, from the stage version of 
Chicago (not used in the film)

Dedicated to that most dedicated Chicago fan Haggridd

NOTE: All of Umbridge's lines are spoken – all of Filch & the 
Inquisitorial Squad's lines are sung.

THE SCENE: The DADA office. With allies ARGUS FILCH & the newly-
formed INQUISITORIAL SQUAD, UMBRIDGE plans the opening strategies of 
her new regime. 

UMBRIDGE (spoken):
Argus, I been thinkin' a lot about posting Educational Decree Number 
28. Couldn't I just 
show you what I thought I might do after Fudge signs off?

FILCH (spoken, eagerly):
Go ahead.

UMBRIDGE:
Good! (to the SQUAD) Hit it!

The INQUISITORIAL SQUAD forms a spontaneous jazz-band, PARKINSON on 
the keyboards, MALFOY on sax, MONTAGUE on drums, BULSTRODE on bass-
tuba (they were out of bass-fiddles)

Well then, when I get into the Head's office, I'll take down all 
those dreary old portraits of the old Headmasters and replace them 
with some more cheerful – like my technicolor kitties with those cute 
little bows around their furry fuzzy necks
.

FILCH & INQUISITORIAL SQUAD (music):
When Umbridge takes command!

UMBRIDGE:
Then, when Harry speaks cross words me, I thought I'd give 'em this 
(throwing her black quill to Draco)...and then if he tells any more 
lies, I thought I'd make him tremble with this (she throws a 
monstrous-looking bullwhip to FILCH)

UMBRIDGE (imitating Harry)
..."ooh, no, please stop!"

FILCH & INQUISITORIAL SQUAD (music):
When Umbridge takes command!
Swelled up like a toad 
Gryffindor she'll goad
Ain't she ultra-cruel?
She's gotta be the best thing e'er came to our school!

UMBRIDGE:
Then, I thought I'd try something real dramatic. I'll invite Potter 
to my office for a little chat. After a few minutes, he'll be getting 
thirsty and he's sure to say, "Please, 
Headmistress, could I have a nice cold glass of Veritaserum?"

FILCH & INQUISITORIAL SQUAD:
When Umbridge takes command!
See that Umbridge gal
Make evil banal
As she turns `em off
She's gonna get 'em goin' as she gives her cough!

UMBRIDGE:
Then, I thought I'd spy. Trick `em! Let Harry sneak into my office to 
use the Floo Network, and that's when I`ll have Stealth Sensoring 
Spells placed all around my doorway. Then when he refuses to talk, I 
tell him about the dementors!  I really like that part. Don't you? 
Then, I get Snape, but oh, no – he's out of Veritaserum! and I 
shouldn't break the law, but I'm too morally weak, so I Crucio Potter 
and I curse and I curse and I 
curse and I curse until finally, he cracks!

FILCH & INQUISITORIAL SQUAD:
See each whipper-snap 
Get whipped by her strap 
When Umbridge takes command!
When Umbridge takes command!

     - CMC 

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm