We'll Never Ever Be Able To Guess The Sixth DADA Teacher

Sun Oct 26 13:18:04 UTC 2003

No: HPFGUIDX 83604

   Alright, folks, this is something that's been stewing around in 
my brain for quite a while.  I was actually meaning to keep it 
there, but something I read online just now finally set me off 
writing this.  You can find it here;   
http://www.theorderofthephoenix.net/harry-potter-destiny.htm

   But to cut a long story short, it theorizes that some of the 
potential candidates for Defense Against The Dark Arts could be 
Bill Weasely, Fleur, Viktor, Remus, or Tonks.  I read this, and just 
started thinking to myself; 'this all goes against Rowling's whole 
*system* with Defense Against the Dark Arts Teachers.'

Let's review some basic facts;  

1)  A DADA Teacher's Name Never Comes Up Before The Book He Or She 
Comes In As A DADA Teacher.  

   They just never do.  Gilderoy Lockhart's name isn't ever refered 
to anywhere in Book One, even though he's a popular author with all 
these famous exploits tied to his name.  Dolores Umbridge not only 
holds the prestigous position of Senior Undersecretary, but is also 
slavishly devoted to serving Cornelius Fudge and flaunting her 
connection with him.  Why is it she failed to accompany Fudge to 
Hagrid's Hut, or to the Quidditch World Cup?  If she's such a big 
figure in the Ministry, why is it Arthur Weasley never mentioned 
the woman in any offhanded discussion about his job?  I'm sure 
Umbridge would have been every bit as infuriating, sadistic, power-
hungry and invasive among fellow government workers as she is with 
teachers and pupils - and people really don't keep quiet if they're 
being exposed to that kind of treatment.  These are just two 
examples, but the fact remains that backstory, prestige, or no, 
these people might as well not exist until Dumbledore grants them 
the DADA post.   DADA Teachers are meant to be an indeterminate x-
factor, whose actual value is only revealed at the time of Rowling's 
choosing.

2)  Harry Always First Learns Or Is Exposed To His Current DADA 
Teacher Shortly Before Arriving At Hogwarts The Year That Teacher 
Starts Teaching

   This is a small point, yet it's always a given - it's like 
Rowling  is giving us a little sneak peek of the DADA teachers' 
characters  before they get to business at Hogwarts.  Harry first 
meets Quirrel  in the Leaky Cauldron over the first year's summer.  
Harry meets  Lockhart is Flourish and Blotts', also during the 
summertime.  He  meets Lupin on the train, and while that's 
admittedly *closer* to  Hogwarts in terms of time and geography, it 
is not *actually*  Hogwarts, so my statement stands.  Mad-Eye Moody 
detracts the most from the pattern set thus far; he only first 
appears bodily in  Harry's life *at* Hogwarts.  Yet, Arthur Weasley 
discussed Moody  with his family and Harry at the Burrow, so he 
still was able to  *learn* about Moody.  'Aha!' Some of you 
nitpickers might be  saying. 'But Moody wasn't Moody there, Moody 
was Crouch Jr., whom  Harry didn't learn about until he had that 
face-to-face talk with  Sirius, well into his school term.'  I would 
argue that Harry *was*  exposed to Crouch Jr., at the Quidditch 
World Cup. Junior stole  Harry's wand.  Harry even *heard* Junior 
shout "Morsmorde!", though he had no *idea* who it was shouting.  
Thus, whether it's Junior or Moody you're focusing on, the rule 
still applies.  Harry met Umbridge at his hearing; he heard her 
name, saw her face, and heard  her voice.  So you can bet that 
whoever Six and Seven are, Harry  will probably see them just prior 
to going to Hogwarts, and never  before.

3)  Snape Already Had His Fling At Defense Against The Dark Arts

   It was in Book Three, remember?  Remus Lupin was 'not available,' 
so Snape filled in as a substitute.  Rowling just gave us enough 
here to let us know that Snape is just as loathsome teaching this 
subject as Potions, before handing command back to Lupin.  Snape is 
already  multifaceted enough as Potions Master, Former Death Eater, 
Order Spy, Dumbledore Servant, Slytherin Head of House, One-Time 
Quidditch Referee, Dark Arts Expert, Potter Nemesis, Voldermort Foe, 
Hate- Filled Malinger, Pedantic Rule-Lover, Trauma-Inflicted 
Youngster,  and Occulmency Expert.  On one hand, I'm absolutely 
certain that Rowling will reveal still more about Snape's character 
in future  books, it won't be in Defense Against The Dark Arts.  
DADA revels  nothing new about his character.

4)  The DADA Teacher Always Has A Big Secret That, If Exposed, 
Would Spell Ruin For The Teacher.

   Quirrel had Voldemort on the other end of his head.  Lockhart is 
a  coward and a thief of real heroes' accomplishments.  Lupin is a  
werewolf, and best friend to Sirius Black.  Moody is Crouch Junior, 
a man supposed to be dead.  Umbridge ordered Dementors on The-Boy- 
Who-Lived in the middle of a Muggle residency - also, she was 
subverting the truth about Voldemort's existence.   Having a dark  
and terrible secret, in fact, seems to be the only real prequisite  
for the teaching position.  These teachers all have very *fatal*  
personal failings that no Mary Sue is able to accomplish. 

   I would challenge those who think Bill, or Fleur, or Viktor might 
be DADA teacher to come out and tell me what horrible skeletons 
these folks are supposed to have into their closets.  We KNOW all 
these people already!  They offer no surprises.

5)  The DADA Teacher Takes Center Stage At Hogwarts At Some Point

  No Professor Flitwicks here.  Lockhart couldn't shut up about  
himself, and made a big stink about every opinion he had.  He  
organized the Dueling Club and Valentine's Day.  Lupin had something 
of a 'slow start,' but he quickly won the love of almost the entire 
student body.  By the end of his term, they were all sad to see him 
go.  Mad-Eye Moody was famous to begin with when he first stepped 
in; his brusque mannerism, knack for teaching, fascinating history -
not to mention his involvement in the Triwizard Tournament, made 
him a real presence at Hogwarts.  And Umbridge just couldn't be  
suppressed, with all those decrees and the way she snatched control 
over the school.  Quirrel, it can be argued, is the one who shies  
away most from the spotlight; yet after the whole school heard 
about the fight between him and Harry over the Sorceror's Stone, a 
flood of well-wishers sent Harry gifts.  

 Would Bill, Fleur, Tonks, or Viktor be able to inspire such 
renown?  

6)  The DADA Teacher Places Harry Potter In Real Peril At Least 
Once, If Not More

   There is just something in these people's nature.  Quirrel jinxed 
Harry's broom and tried to kill him for the Sorcerer's Stone.  
Lockhart would've blasted away Harry's memory with that charm of 
his, destroying his ability to function in society, and landing him 
a long-term residence in St. Mungo's.  Lupin forgot to take that 
potion that one time, and Harry had to be rescued from his werewolf-
self by Sirius.  Crouch Junior arranged for Harry to be transported 
to Voldemort directly, and afterwards tried to kill Harry himself in 
his office.  Umbridge arranged for Harry to have his soul sucked 
out, subjected him to torture, constant surveillance , derision, and 
a steady loss of privileges.  

Would Bill, Fleur, Tonks, or whoever you have in mind, ever have 
reason to attack Harry?  

7)  NOBODY WANTS THE JOB!!!

    I'll come out and say this; Tonks probably *would* make a very 
fine DADA Professor.  So would Bill.  So would Fleur.  If absolutely 
nothing else, they could probably get quite a lot of the students to 
like them.  These people are competent and efficient, which is more 
of what Hogwarts, and Harry, needs in his life.  They would be the 
sort of people you'd want for your OWN education, or those of your 
kids.  Unfortunately, these people already HAVE their own jobs, and 
their own interests that probably don't involve teaching.  
Unfortunately, the job is jinxed, so even if Dumbledore offered half 
the gold in total tuition money, nobody would take it.  
Unfortunately, life for Harry and everyone good is going straight 
to Hell; so a nice, kind teacher who's experienced at DADA, a friend 
to Harry, and well-balanced mentally is probably not in the cards.  
Whoever he gets next is probably going to provide conflict for 
Harry in spades.  

   Albus Dumbledore has been scraping the bottom of the barrel since 
the death of Nofirstname Quirrel.  In Book 2, he got an egomaniac  
who was only in it for one more 'accomplishment' to pin to his name 
and a forum of listeners who have to listen to him daily.  In Book 
3, he got a guy who, while talented in his own right, couldn't find  
paid work anywhere else.  In Book 4, he begged an retired friend  
into doing him a favor; Moody even told the class that he was only  
in it for a year.  In Book 5, he was COMPLETELY UNABLE TO FIND  
ANYONE, good old Cornelius Fudge forced his toady on him.  

Dumbledore doesn't care so much about quality at this point.  After  
Umbridge, he may reinforce a few better standards, but basically all 
he wants now is some warm body over seventeen years of age to stand 
up and keep the kids sitting in their seats for an hour each day.   
Viktor, Fleur, and Bill are all in enough danger without having to  
go into a job where a large stroke of bad luck is going to blindside 
them at the end of their first year.  I actually shudder to think 
Who Dumbledore does manage to get at the end of this year.  A 
mental case?  Someone who doesn't even speak English?  His brother,  
Aberforth?   

7)  The DADA Teachers Are Unable to Be Predicted

    In addition to not knowing their specific identities, we really 
have no way of knowing what they bring, as people, to the 
forefront.  It's always something big, though.  I defy any of  
you 'old-timers' out there, who remember the extent of our knowledge 
 while we were waiting for Goblet of Fire to be released, to look me 
in the eye and tell me you saw Mad-Eye Moody / Crouch Junior coming  
a mile away.  

    We knew Voldermort had supporters, but we didn't know they were  
called 'Death Eaters,' or that the soldiers who fought them were  
called 'Aurors,' or that there were threee particularly Unforgivable 
Curses.  Personally speaking, the biggest surpirse to me here was  
that there was *one specific* curse set aside just for killing,  
instead of 687, as in your typical RPG.  

   Could you have honestly predicted Remus Lupin based solely on 
the evidence shown in Books 1 and 2?  We knew there were werewolves, 
but we couldn't have guessed Harry's father would be best friends 
with one, or that he'd be so kind, or that they had such good 
nicknames for themselves and were amazing cartographers.  What about 
Dolores Umbridge?  We knew Fudge was going to undermine Dumbledore.  
Our best guess would've been with dry lawyers and regulations.  Who  
could've predicted Madame Poisonhoney?  Who would've thought of  
things in terms of lacerating quills, technicolor kittens, the  
Headmistress status, and girlish tone-of-voice?  Who, but Rowling?   
We were all so very sure it was going to be Arabella Figg, or Fleur  
Delacour, remember?  

 What makes you sure you can predict who it's going to be this 
time?  

8)  The DADA Teacher Remains For Only One Year, And Then Leaves In 
Some Spectacularly Dramatic Fashion

    This would seem to be self-evident, but it's important to 
note.  Rowling gives them only a year.  Given everything else I have 
noted, especially concerning the Dark Secret each of them have, it 
can be said that each DADA teacher is, in the end, so thoroughly 
undone by whatever personal failing he or she has, that they can no 
longer remain at Hogwarts.   

     Quirrel died in battle.  Lockhart went off to St. Mungo's.  
Lupin was revealed to be a werewolf by Snape, turning many of the  
parents against him.  His love for Harry showed deeply as he left.   
Crouch Junior was robbed of his soul.  And Umbridge was chased out  
of Hogwarts by Peeves and the entire school, a total disgrace.  

Before telling me why Viktor or Bill would make a great teacher, 
tell me how you think he'd be removed from Hogwarts, and why?  

Final Words)   

   I *think* I got everything out.  It was a long write.  I know 
this is a place where we all floruish in the hypothetical... but the 
line of thinking which concludes "Fleur is sure to be the next DADA  
Professor!" is something I've been exposed to for too many long 
years.  I'd like you all to think about the points I'm bringing up, 
because I'm not pulling this out of thin air, here.  With the DADA 
professors, I believe we should approach this not so much in terms 
of what we already know, what's already been done, but rather in 
terms of, "Where have we *not* gone?"  And this is going to be  
hard, because we know so very little about Book 6.  Personally, I  
wish that cute little brown-eyed boy who charmed Rowling into  
admitting Book 5 was titled 'Order of the Phoneix' could be 
shuttled over to Edinburgh and cast his spell on her all over again. 
At any rate, I hope you all enjoyed reading this.  

-  Louis Badalament