FILK: Hermy, You're A Boy's Best Friend

[Kirstini]

No: HPFGUIDX 83742

I wrote this ages ago and forgot about it, and then all the talk of 
Hermione-as-agony-aunt reminded me.
This was inspired by the lovely bit of Filked tapdancing in Caius's 
No More Days.

Kirstini
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Hermy, You're A Boy's Best Friend 
To the tune of Sparkling Diamonds (Diamonds Are A Girl's Best 
Friend/Material Girl) from Moulin Rouge. No Midis available, original 
lyrics here: http://www.lyricsmp3.net/D56000/kk55904.htm

Time: OoP - (I've accidentally mixed two sections up, I think)
Scene: The Gryffindor Common Room. Darkness. Spotlight on Harry's 
face.

HARRY:
When Cedric died, she lost her love...
(Fanfare. Lights up to reveal that HARRY is actually descending from 
the ceiling on his Firebolt. He is wearing a scarlet and gold top hat 
and tails, with fishnet tights, to great effect. He gets off the 
broom and takes centre stage.)
HARRY:  							
I kissed her just once, I got
Quite sentimental:
She wanted to be more than friends!
We went on a date -  and she went totally mental 
Then she ran away, and left me mumbling "what I say?"
Well, we walked, of Quidditch talked
Didn't know how it all was to end...
Oh Merlin, I felt sick
When she brought up Cedric! 
(with RON, who is similarly dressed and has stepped into the 
spotlight:)
Cho has gone right round the bend!

HARRY(birling round the common room to HERMIONE:)
Hermione!
RON (attempting the same manouevre with marginally less grace):
(Oh yeah) Hermione! 

HERMIONE (seated, in basque and tights):
Merlin's sake, boys, can't you just keep it schtum?
Can't you see that I'm writing to Krum?
(RON [mouthed, to Harry]:KRUM?)

HERMIONE (picking a top hat up off the nearest table:)
Oh, what *is* it, boys? 

(Saxaphone. They dance in formation. Ron ladders his tights.)

HARRY:
Cho cried and fled - 
HERMIONE:
Talk to me, Harry Potter, tell me all about it! 
HARRY:
Well -
HERMIONE (not listening):
The thing about Cho is she's feeling unstable - 
RON:
How'd you know that - you're not her friend! 
HERMIONE (ignoring him):
She just needs to know that she's top of your table
So she's acting coy -
(RON: Mental!) 
HERMIONE:
Oh shut your mouth up, teaspoon boy!
I am sure Cho's insecure,
And just  jealous of your female friends - 

(GINNY, PARVATI and LAVENDER appear, dressed in scarlet and gold can-
can skirts) 
G, P, L:
So you should tell her you like her
So you should tell her you like - 
HARRY:
Hermy, you're a boy's best - 
Hermy, you're a boy's best - 
Hermy, you're a boy's best friend!

(The common room erupts into mass formation dancing, with HERMIONE at 
the centre. Fred and George enact a nifty little manouvre taking the 
Headless Hats on and off in time to the music. RON attempts to edge 
through the dancers to get to HERMIONE.)

RON(spoken): 
Really, you should write a book on this stuff, you know.
Hermione?
Why do you want to write to Vicky, anyway?
Eh?
(loudly, over the music)
I mean basically he's just a grouchy git!

HERMIONE (ignoring him again):
So next time she's snuggly, just tell her I'm ugly! 

HARRY and RON(as the Gryffindors raise HERMIONE slowly on their 
shoulders): 
Hermy!
You're a!
Boy's!
Best!
HERMIONE:
Friend?
(Fanfare. Lights dim to a spot on HERMIONE's face, then cut.)