FILK: (The Legend of) The Queen of the Quill

[Susan Miller]

No: HPFGUIDX 83896

This is to the tune of Miss Baltimore Crabs from Hairspray. I 
couldn't find a midi, although I looked long and hard!

Dedicated to Caius Marcius


THE SCENE:

Rita, Hermione and Luna are sitting at a table in the 
Three Broomsticks. Harry joins them. Rita is looking 
particularly bedraggled. Luna is looking spacey. Hermione 
is looking somewhat smug.

(The Legend of) The Queen of the Quill

HERMIONE (spoken)
Well, I brought Harry so if you want to work again, you 

can interview him now.

RITA (spoken)
Haven't you already done enough? 

RITA (singing)
Oh my god 
How far I fell 
She was only fourteen 
But she put me through Hell. 
Ah, but it was me who was mean 
When I was "The Queen of the Quill".

I spied on your secrets 
Through faceted eyes 
Till that damn Shirley Temple 
Saw through my disquise.
Always first on the scene 
Was I, as "The Queen of the Quill".

That sorry half-giant
Might still have the vapors
But the public's my client 
And that's what sold papers! 
Your secret was mine 
The Skeeter byline was to snoop. 
Get the scoop!

Hot on the trail 
When I had the buzz 
If you won't tell the tale 
I'd find out who does! 
My antennae were keen 
When I was "The Queen of the Quill".

HERMIONE 
Proceed... 

HARRY 
Get started, you hack.

RITA 
The front page has a place?

LUNA 
Well, the Crumpled Snorkack ..

RITA 
... I can't stand the disgrace! 
It's simply obscene 
To forget I'm "The Queen of the Quill".

HARRY
I'm ready to name names ...

RITA
..."Death Eaters Among Us" 
A headline with promise!
A scandal! A fungus! I'd holler "Keen!"
If I weren't "The Queen of the Quill"!

Although I've got wings
I'm not angel or cherub
But everyone sings
To this muckraking scarab
Your guts you must spill
To the Quick Quoting Quill 
Don't you see? 

HERMIONE 
It's fine with me! 

HARRY 
Can we get started? ...

RITA 
... To get your story told, 
I'd better be paid bags and bushels of gold! 

(All look at Luna)

LUNA (spoken)
Oh, Daddy never pays for articles. It's more of an honor 

just to be published. 

RITA (spoken) 
Not in The Quibbler it isn't! And may I be frank? 

(Singing)
First impressions are tough 
When I saw you, I knew it 
If your looks weren't enough 
Your last answer just blew it! 

You must meet my price, it's
Acknowledgement of .. 

HERMIONE 
... You're a bug without license? 

RITA (resolutely) 
You got me there, kid.
And the times, they are lean. 

ALL 
We've/They've just underbid "The Queen of the ... "

RITA 
...Quill!" 

LUNA (spoken)
Daddy will be pleased.

RITA (spoken)
Um... I need a drink. 

HERMIONE (spoken)
Gee, Harry, that went well. 

(Madam Rosmerta comes to the table.) 

MADAM ROSMERTA 
Hello Ma'am, may I freshen your drink? 

RITA 
You better come clean 
When serving "The Queen of the " ... 

HERMIONE, LUNA and HARRY 
...Quill"! 
Quill, Quill!!! 



Fade out as Rita and Harry begin their interview.


~ Constance Vigilance