Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet (filk)

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 79678

Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet (GoF, Chap. 18-19, 21, 24, 31 & 37)

The eighth A!Kedavra filk to the tune of The Farmer and the Cowman 
from Rodgers and Hammerstein's Oklahoma!

Dedicated to Constance Vigilance

THE SCENE: Just before the Weighing of the Wands ceremony, RITA 
SKEETER makes a most unwelcome introduction to HARRY.

SKEETER (to HARRY):
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet is your friend
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet is your friend.
I would gladly slice your throat,
In exchange for a juicy quote,
But that's no reason why we cain't be friends.

Harry Potter yarns help sell newspapers
Harry Potter tales give folks a thrill.
Harry Potter, what's your latest capers?
Tell it all to the Quick-Quotes Quill

CHORUS OF REPORTERS
Harry Potter yarns help sell newspapers
Harry Potter tales enthrall us still
Harry Potter, you're the cutest scraper,
Tell it all to the Quick-Quotes Quill

(Segue to several days later, in Potions Class, where we find HARRY 
with a copy of the Daily Prophet )

HARRY:
I'd like to say a word `bout Ms. Skeeter.

HERMIONE:
You said it!

HARRY:
She wrote this piece but made a lot of stuff up

HERMIONE:
That's right!

HARRY:
She left out the names of the other champions,
And made me sound like I am real puffed up.

DRACO (spoken)
Want a hanky, Potter, in case you start crying in Transfiguration?

PANSY (spoken):
Since when have you been one of the top students?

(Slytherins break out in derisive laughter)

HARRY (spoken): 
Shut up! (Oops, sorry, Cho!)
(music) That Rita ain't no honest commentator
She's telling folks I cry myself to sleep
She's making people think that Herm's my honey
Her Daily Prophet's givin' me the creeps

(Segue to HAGRID'S garden, as SKEETER prepares to introduce herself)

SKEETER (watching HAGRID)
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet wants ya framed
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet wants ya framed
I will rip that savage brute,
Who likes to breed illicit skrewts,
Against that giant half-breed I'll take aim 

CHORUS
Harry Potter yarns help sell The Prophet
Harry Potter tales help pay our bills
Harry Potter helps us turn a profit
When he speaks to your Quick-Quotes Quill

SKEETER
I'd to say a word to ya, Hagrid--

HAGRID (blushing with pleasure):
You would?

SKEETER
The Skrewts you raise are fascinatin' critters  
My readership so vast
Will think that Skrewts are such a blast

TRIO:
We're sure the aftermath will be quite bitter!

HERMIONE
So Skeeter did her expose on Hagrid
And she done landed him in some hot water

SKEETER:
He is brutal and he's weird
An' he's got poor Draco skeered
But he's such terrific chums with Harry Potter  

(Segue to the Three Broomsticks, as HERMIONE confronts SKEETER)

SKEETER (spoken): Harry! How lovely! Why don't you come and join- 

HARRY (spoken): I wouldn't come near you with a ten-foot broomstick.  
What did you do that to Hagrid for, eh

HERMIONE (spoken):  You horrible woman you don't care, do you, 
anything for a story, and anyone will do, wont they?  

(music)
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet should be `shamed
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet should be `shamed
You just like to libel folk
Who've done nothin' to provoke 
And that's the reason why I'm so inflamed

(SKEETER involuntarily crushes her martini glass in her hand, which 
give out a sound like a gunshot. Everyone ducks for cover except 
HERMIONE & SKEETER.)

SKEETER (spoken):
Sit down, you silly little girl, and don't talk about things you 
don't understand.  This here's a pub Alright, everybody, sing it!

(Customers emerge from under their tables )

ALL
Dum-dah-dee-um-dum-dum!

TRIO 
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet must be stopped,

(Segue back to The Great Hall, as the owl post arrives)

HARRY & RON
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet must be stopped,
She went after Hermy next,
With slanders worse than a hurling Hex,
And then upon her all that mail dropped

(Segue to the grounds off Hogwarts, as SKEETER again dictates to her 
Quick-Quotes Quill)

SKEETER
That Potter boy's becomin' unstable
`Cause in his upper story, he is sure bent
He screams about his curse scar all a-flamin'
And then runs off to jabber with the serpents

HERMIONE:
I've figured out how Rita gets her info
And how she does the mischief she does
She turns into a beetle and goes around unseen
So it's time for me to end ol' Rita's buzz!

TRIO & HAGRID
She turns into a beetle and goes around unseen
So it's time for me/her to end ol' Rita's buzz!

Animagic folks should not be gossips
Animagic folks, stay true and pure
If Animagic folks cannot be good, though,
Animagic folks should register

(During the long instrumental passage, HERMIONE, dressed in 
lepidopterist gear, pursues SKEETER (in beetle form) with a butterfly 
net, up and down the stairs and corridors of Hogwarts. Finally, 
SKEETER flies into a darkened corridor, with HERMIONE right behind. A 
moment later, HERMIONE emerges from the other end of the corridor 
holding a jar triumphantly aloft. )

TRIO & HAGRID
Harry Potter yarns she'll not be spinning
Harry Potter's beans she cannot spill
This is now the end of Rita's sinning
And of her famous Quick-Quotes Quill!
    
-	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm 

BTW, there will be five more A!Kedavra filks, plus a concluding 
reprise of "Beautiful Morning"