A Eulogy, as Inaugural Flight of (the) Fancy; Sirius's Death-Journal;

[msbeadsley]

No: HPFGUIDX 80220

Sirius Black, death-journal entry dated deathday plus one:

At first I didn't know where I was, or how I'd gotten here.  Now that 
I have realized, I want so much to go find James and Lily; but how 
can I face them now that I have lost my ability to do anything at all 
for their son?  I have added my own death to his burdens.  Why didn't 
Harry use the mirror I gave him?  (But that's the "it's not my fault" 
me.)  Why didn't I make its purpose clearer to him?  (And that's 
the "it's all my fault" me.)  I'm beginning to see that the truth 
about everything that happened is so complex that blame is not 
something one can dump like a chamberpot on any single person, 
however handy. All of us wove that tapestry, together.

Not the least of whom was Bellatrix.  If only I'd been just a bit 
faster!  She went so wrong, being so right in the family's eyes.  
Aside from that, though, it just occurred to me that she is one who 
would understand the dementor years.  Of course, she was mad already, 
so perhaps not.

At least I've escaped that house and Mum's portrait.  But the 
original is here somewhere, what a ghastly thought.  I can hardly be 
a blood traitor now, though, seeing as I no longer have any.  All of 
that is gone.  Can one scream here?  <tries, fails>  That's a relief.

Thoughts run through my mind that, yesterday, would have been 
accompanied by a gasp, by a thumping in my chest, by a rush of 
jangling energy; now they're just thoughts.  I wish I had been 
cleared of those charges.  I had no idea being back in that house 
would so completely force me back into the person I was when I lived 
there.  I really was getting better at dealing with it; for a while, 
I did see James when I looked at Harry, then the present made itself 
known.

Ah, James.  The things we got up to.  There was so much to overcome, 
to distract ourselves from, to reframe into something we could 
contain and still live with.  Just as Harry is having to do now.  And 
we often did it so badly.  Harry, learn from our mistakes!  Remus and 
the others will look after him <concentrating on sending thought back 
through the veil>: "Look after him, Remus!"

I am having trouble concentrating.  Perhaps I will try to think more, 
whatever passes here for tomorrow.

S.B.

[I hope this isn't inappropriate; now that I'm off moderated status, 
those nice, helpful Elves aren't there with their net to catch me if 
I've fallen right off my imaginary airship onto my head.]

Sandy, aka "msbeadsley" who is afraid the mirror will show she is 
unintentionally writing fanfic, carefully not looking at her 
Animagination's reflection.