Snape's worst memory

[junediamanti]

No: HPFGUIDX 81183

--- In HPforGrownups at yahoogroups.com, "feetmadeofclay" 
<feetmadeofclay at y...> wrote:
> --- 

> Golly:  Why should a grown man be embarrassed about crying as a 
young 
> child, while he watched one parent abuse the other. He was uspset 
> about his enviroment and the treatment of his mother. 
> 
>  Who wouldn't be? That is nothing to be embarrassed about. I don't 
> see crying as weakness. Would you think it was still embarrassing 
if 
> he was a girl and not a little boy? 
> 
> Golly

I take issue with the idea that a grown man shouldn't be embarrassed 
in these circumstances.  Perhaps he shouldn't be - but he would be 
is all.  One of the very worst aspects of abuse is that it 
is "shameful" and often "secret".  This is why it goes on unchecked -
 women and children often don't wish to talk  about this - ever.  
The thinking is that if you don't talk about it - you can pretend 
even to yourself it never happened. 

Professor Severus Snape, top hardass teacher at Hogwarts, the Demon 
Potions Master, former Death Eater, possible superspy - crying?  Do 
you think being seen as a small and frightened child or as a 
pathetic supernerd is part of his PR?  

No, people shouldn't be ashamed of this kind of thing - but I am 
sorry to say they are.  That's precisely the kind of thing the 
abuser often depends upon.  And I'm sorry to say, I've been in 
exactly the same situation as Mrs Snape.  I cannot possibly 
exaggerate the horror of being trapped in a domestic situation like 
that.  Ashamed?  Don't make me laugh.  You'd die rather than have 
people know what goes on at home.  You'd do anything to keep up the 
pretence that things are normal at home.  Keeping up outward 
appearances is the only thing that keeps you out of the St Mungo's 
Incurables Ward.  Only difference is, as far as I can tell, she 
stuck it out, I didn't - which is hopefully why my daughter is not 
going to end up a psychological basket case like him.  Small wonder 
Snape's spending his leisure hours blasting flies dead (and I just 
bet he was calling them "Dad" in his head)- if someone had given me 
a wand and magic power at that point in my life... well.

It's often even worse for the child in question because a very 
common outcome of scenes like this is that the child feels in some 
way to blame.  "I am being shouted at - what did I do, I must have 
done something" - or "My mum and dad are arguing again, what did I 
do to upset them?"

I think it is scenes like this and the pensieve scene that are the 
key to why Snape occasionally does lose emotional control so 
totally - inside of him (and probably kept in a very deep place 
indeed) is a child who is still terribly hurt and angry. 
Incidentally, you can add any guilt he may feel at failing to 
protect his mother.  Furthermore, being called such charming 
nicknames as "Snivellus" at school would hardly have helped 
the "inner child Snape" either.  Crying is wrong, emotion is wrong - 
look what happens when emotions run high - best keep them under 
control.  Of course, ultimately emotion will out.  

All of the time, inside him, the little kid must be wondering just 
what he had deserved to get this life. Former Death Eater and 
possible - no, probable murderer, a teacher who is loathed by most 
of his pupils - yes he probably can quote "Let them fear me so long 
as they obey me*" but so what?  We all of us want to be liked and 
loved. He may have lost the only woman he ever loved to a hated 
rival.  He was abused - Harry was abused.  The only difference 
to "inner child Snape" is that there was never anyone to treat him 
specially - but there's Harry getting away with just about 
everything - feted, adored etc.  Somewhere in there, there's a 
howling screaming child.  I don't hold out much hope for a great 
deal of mutual understanding yet.

Poor bloody Snape indeed.

June

*Tiberius Caesar - but spot on for Snape don't you think?