FILK - Quidditch "Who's on First" (thanks to Abbott/Costello)

[Hagrid]

No: HPFGUIDX 81293

Quidditch - Hoo's on Left Pitch

Draco: We are getting into Quidditch soon. It may be good for you to 
know about the best team around. The Montrose Magpies. 
Crabb: OK. What makes them so good?
Draco: They confuse the other team with their nicknames.
Crabb: OK. I have to know the Quidditch players' names. Do you know 
the players' names?
Draco: Oh sure.
Crabb: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.
Draco: Well, I'll tell you. You know sometimes they give Quidditch 
players peculiar names.
Crabb: You mean funny names.
Draco: Yeah, Nicknames, pet names, 
Crabb: Like Buffy!
Draco: Buffy, huh? Never heard that one. Now let's see. We have three 
chasers - Hoo's on Left Pitch, Watt's on Center Pitch, Eye Dunno's on 
Right Pitch.
Crabb: That's what I want to find out.
Draco: I said Hoo's on Left, Watt's on Center, Eye Dunno's on Right -
Crabb: Do you know their names?
Draco: Certainly!
Crabb: Well then who's on Left?
Draco: Yes!
Crabb: I mean the fellow's name!
Draco: Hoo!
Crabb: The guy on Left!
Draco: Hoo!
Crabb: The Left chaser!
Draco: Hoo!
Crabb: The guy playing Left!
Draco: Hoo is on Left!
Crabb: Now what are you asking me for?
Draco: I'm telling you Hoo is on Left.
Crabb: Well, I'm asking YOU who's on Left!
Draco: That's the man's name.
Crabb: That's who's name?
Draco: Yes.
Crabb: Well go ahead and tell me.
Draco: Hoo.
Crabb: The guy on Left.
Draco: Hoo!
Crabb: The Left chaser.
Draco: Hoo is on Left!
Crabb: Have you got a contract with the Left chaser?
Draco: Absolutely.
Crabb: Who signs the contract?
Draco: Well, naturally!
Crabb: When you pay off the Left chaser every month, who gets the 
money?
Draco: Every Galleon. Why not? The man's entitled to it.
Crabb: Who is?
Draco: Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Crabb: Who's wife?
Draco: Yes.
Crabb: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on Left 
Pitch.
Draco: Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch them around. Watt is on 
Center Pitch.
Crabb: I'm not asking you who's on Center.
Draco: Hoo is on Left.
Crabb: I don't know.
Draco: He's on Right - now we're not talking about him.
Crabb: Now, how did I get on Right Pitch?
Draco: You mentioned his name!
Crabb: If I mentioned the Right chaser's name, who did I say is 
playing Right?
Draco: No - Hoo's playing Left.
Crabb: Never mind Left - I want to know what's the guy's name on 
Right.
Draco: No - Watt's on Center.
Crabb: I'm not asking you who's on Center.
Draco: Hoo's on Left.
Crabb: I don't know.
Draco: He's on Right Pitch.
Crabb: Aaah! Would you please stay on Right Pitch and don't go off it?
Draco: What was it you wanted?
Crabb: Now who's playing Right Pitch?
Draco: Now why do you insist on putting Hoo on Right Pitch?
Crabb: Why? Who am I putting over there?
Draco: Yes. But we don't want him there.
Crabb: What's the guy's name on Right Pitch?
Draco: Watt belongs on Center.
Crabb: I'm not asking you who's on Center.
Draco: Hoo's on Left.
Crabb: I don't know.
Draco & Crabb: RIGHT PITCH!
Crabb: Do you have Beaters?
Draco: Oh yes! Upper and lower Beaters.
Crabb: Give me the lower beater's name?
Draco: Why.
Crabb: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.
Draco: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Crabb: Alright, then tell me who's playing lower beater.
Draco: Hoo is playing Lef-
Crabb: STAY AWAY FROM THE CHASERS! I want to know what's the lower 
beater's name.
Draco: Watt's on Center.
Crabb: I'm not asking you who's on Center.
Draco: Hoo's on Left.
Crabb: I don't know.
Draco & Crabb: RIGHT PITCH!
Crabb: The lower beater's name?
Draco: Why.
Crabb: Because!
Draco: Oh, he's upper beater.
Crabb: Look, do you have a seeker on this team?
Draco: Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a seeker.
Crabb: The seeker's name.
Draco: Tomorrow.
Crabb: You don't want to tell me today?
Draco: I'm telling you now.
Crabb: Then go ahead.
Draco: Tomorrow.
Crabb: What time?
Draco: What time what?
Crabb: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who is the seeker?
Draco: Now listen. Hoo is not the seeker. Hoo is on Lef-
Crabb: I'll break something if you say Who's on Left. I want to know 
what's the seeker's name.
Draco: Watt's on Center.
Crabb: I don't know.
Draco & Crabb: RIGHT PITCH!
Crabb: Do you have a keeper?
Draco: Oh, absolutely.
Crabb: The keeper's name.
Draco: Today.
Crabb: Today. And Tomorrow's seeking.
Draco: Now you've got it.
Crabb: All we've got is a couple of days on the team.
Draco: Well, I can't help that.
Crabb: Well, I'm a keeper too.
Draco: I know that.
Crabb: Now suppose I'm keeping, and their heavy chaser gets up.
Draco: Yes.
Crabb: He throws the quaffle. I catch the quaffle since I'm a good 
keeper, and I want to throw it to the chaser out at Left Pitch. So I 
pick up the quaffle and throw it to who?
Draco: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Crabb: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Draco: Well that's all you have to do.
Crabb: Is to throw the quaffle to Left Pitch.
Draco: Yes.
Crabb: Now who's got it?
Draco: Naturally!
Crabb: If I throw the quaffle to Left Pitch, somebody has to catch 
it. Now who caught it?
Draco: Naturally!
Crabb: Who caught it?
Draco: Naturally.
Crabb: Who?
Draco: Naturally!
Crabb: Naturally.
Draco: Yes.
Crabb: So I pick up the quaffle and I throw it to Naturally.
Draco: NO, NO, NO! You throw the quaffle to Left Pitch and Hoo gets 
it?
Crabb: Naturally.
Draco: That's right. There we go.
Crabb: So I pick up the quaffle and I throw it to Naturally.
Draco: You don't!
Crabb: I throw it to who?
Draco: Naturally.
Crabb: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
Draco: You're not saying it the right way.
Crabb: I said I throw the quaffle to Naturally.
Draco: You don't - you throw the quaffle to Hoo.
Crabb: Naturally!
Draco: Well, say that!
Crabb: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I throw the quaffle to who?
Draco: Naturally.
Crabb: Now say that to me.
Draco: You throw the quaffle to Hoo.
Crabb: Naturally.
Draco: That's it.
Crabb: SAME AS YOU!! I throw the quaffle to Left Pitch and who gets 
it?
Draco: Naturally!
Crabb: Who has it?
Draco: Naturally!
Crabb: HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the quaffle to Left Pitch. Whoever 
it is grabs the quaffle, so the other team moves away from Center 
Pitch. Who picks up the quaffle and throws it to What, What throws it 
to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it through the hoop - goal.
Draco: Yes.
Crabb: Their Beater gets up - it's a Bludger to Because. Why? I don't 
know. He's on Right Pitch and I don't care!
Draco: What was that?
Crabb: I said I don't care!
Draco: Oh, Eye Duncare is our Coach.

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have fun - aussie