FILK We'll Never Tell...

[Star Opal]

No: HPFGUIDX 90430

Can you believe there's only 6 Dursley FILKs? What a travesty!

To the tune of I'll Never Tell from Buffy the Musical: Once More With 
Feeling

_Well Never Tell_ (as sung by Petunia and Vernon Dursley) by Star Opal

Petunia:
This is the man with looks like a mammal
And he's all mine
Our claim to fame is the plain and the normal
And that's just fine
He's got an average biz
We have one perfect, lovely kid
The only trouble is...
I'll never tell

Vernon:
She is the one, my ordinary hon
So conventional
Wonderful tyke, Dudley's bright
Always right
Routine
Quiet Routine
And I love them both so
Our lawn always perfectly mowed
There's just one thing that--
No.
Ill never tell

Both:
'Cause there's nothing to tell

Petunia:
He's weird
Vernon:
He's freaky
Petunia:
He's also kinda sneaky
Vernon:
He knows these bloody Weasleys
That I can't describe

Petunia:
His hair, its messy
Vernon:
He doesn't know reality
Petunia:
His parents got blown up
By some Lord Thingy

Both:
At times he's kind of scary
Vernon:
Just glad summer's temporary
Petunia:
Then things get back to ordinary
Vernon:
Has a common name like Harry
Both:
But we seem very well
'Cause, God knows,
We'll never tell

Petunia:
When things get rough he
He just hides behind his stuffy
That makes Vernon 'bit huffy
Cause he uses that - you know

Vernon:
He's odd
He's creepy
It all goes really deeply
His mother-
Petunia:
Don't mention Lily!
Vernon:
Sorry my dear, its so
She--
Petunia:
Look at him!
He's actin' crazy!

*Harry just walks by and the Dursleys get hysterical*

Both:
You know
Vernon:
It's quite appalling
Petunia:
His friends tried calling
Vernon:
He is the worst kind of weirdo
A godfather that's a wacko
He ruins the joy of
Quiet routine

Petunia:
He's strange
Vernon:
Very strange
Petunia
He's got this owl with mange
Vernon:
That's why Ill never
Let the thing out of that cage
Petunia:
I hate this thing
Its dirty and obscene
I know there'll come the day
I'll throw the whole lot out

Both:
We tried
To make him decent
They died
We took him into our home
Vernon:
Did all that we could to fix him
Petunia:
Didn't work, try to keep him hidden
Vernon:
And now he's going to that school
That's run by that senile old fool
Petunia:
When the worlds become all smudgy
What will happen to our Duddy?
Vernon:
Is he quirky?
Petunia:
Is he schemin'?
Vernon:
Is he possibly a demon?
Both:
He could really make our lives
In Little Whinging a hell
So, thank God,
We'll never tell
We swear
That well never tell

Vernon:
My lips
Are sealed
Petunia:
I take the fifth
Vernon:
Nothing to see, move it along
Both:
Well never
Tell

_________________________________________________________________
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