[HPforGrownups] Mothers and Fathers (was: Re: James gave his life, why no protection from him?)

[Sherry Gomes]

No: HPFGUIDX 106915


Iggy here (again):

This got me to thinking a little bit.  95%+ of the time I hear that "there
is nothing stronger than a mother's love," it's coming from a mother, or (at
least) a woman who wants to be a mother.  This is not meant to be a sexist
comment in any way... It's simply meant to help illustrate a point.  You
frequently hear about "the purity/strength/devotion/holiness/etc. of a
mother's love," but almost never hear anything about a father's love.
(Ok... unless it's in some movie where a father is going on a killing spree
of vengeance against the bad guys who killed his family.  And then it's more
of a "crazed/cold revenge" angle.)


Sherry now

Iggy, thank you so much for this post.  I hardly know how to snip it, so I
can reply.  I was raised by my father, and so I am not a woman who believes
that there is nothing stronger or more instinctive than a mother's love.  My
mother couldn't handle the fact that I was disabled, and she gave up all
care and input into my raising to my father.  My dad was married several
times, and since I lived with him, he was my primary parental influence.  He
was the one who had to see me go through surgeries to fuse my right knee at
age three.  He was the one who got angry when parades of med students were
taken to my hospital room to see me, feeling like I was on display, like an
interesting specimen in a laboratory.  I suppose, in a way, I was, since at
the time at least, I was the youngest child ever diagnosed with juvenile
rheumatoid arthritis.  He was the one who had to make sure I did my
exercises and took my medicine.  When I went blind, he was the one who
decided I would not be sent away from my home to attend special school, but
would go to public school and remain with my family. He was the one, along
with his second wife, who told me over and over, that I am as good as anyone
else, and that my blindness and arthritis never need stop me and never let
anyone else's feelings about my disabilities stop me. He was the one who had
to rush me to the hospital when I broke that fused knee, shaking with terror
that his little girl might have ruined it for good.  It was even my dad, who
had to gently but firmly push me out of the nest, so that I could learn to
live independently.  Yet, when I messed up, he would come to the rescue.  It
was my dad who was so proud when I got my first job, my second job ... and
all the rest.  It was my dad--I have discovered since he died, that worried
constantly about me but didn't want to ruin my fight for independence, so he
never told me.  He was at my side through all my joint replacement
surgeries.  I could go on and on.  No, he wasn't perfect, and he wasn't
always emotionally supportive, but he did the best he could.  He taught me
to be a strong confident woman.  I am in my mid 40's now, and the reason I
am still able to walk in spite of the arthritis I still have, is that my dad
made  me exercise and taught me what I needed to know to control my disease,
instead of it controlling me.  

I have always been irritated by the idea that a woman, a mother is always
and naturally the best possible parent and the one to make all the
sacrifices.  Even in HP, it irritates me that the sacrifice James made seems
to count for so little.  I have a relationship with my mother, strictly
because she is my mother, and because my dad told me never to give up on
her.  But she isn't interested in my life anymore than she was interested in
raising a disabled child.  To give her credit, she was a very young woman
when this all happened, but she is still uncomfortable around me to this
day, shakes with terror whenever she's near me or has to guide me or
something.  She is the way she is, and she can't help it.  But I don't have
this sort of instinctive longing to have a relationship with her, strictly
because she is my mother.  I feel obligated to try, but I don't miss her,
and I don't even know if I love her, beyond a dutiful sort of thing.  I
don't even dislike her. I just feel sort of nothing toward her.  

But my dad, who died seven years ago, I miss him everyday. I miss him being
the one to whom I go when I succeed at something, or feel brokenhearted or
something.  He sacrificed, went against current thinking in his choices
about me--I mean thinking at the time he made the choices--and gave his life
to giving me and my siblings a strong positive upbringing and outlook.  I am
proud of him, and would take his brand of love over my mom's any day.

Ok, sorry, I got on a tangent there, didn't I?  But your post reminded me so
much of how I've always felt and how I resent the seeming insignificance of
James in protecting Harry.  I think that both he and Lily gave Harry some
kind of protection, or at least, I hope that is true.

Sherry G