Radio TBAY - Alternative Medicine

[Barry Arrowsmith]

No: HPFGUIDX 99917

"...and that what the new singing sensation Eldritch Presley with 'The 
Ghoul of My Best Friend'.

Back here in the studio we have a very special guest, Augustus Pye, an 
enthusiastic  supporter of Alternative Medicine.  Tell us, Gussy - does 
it work?"

"Well, Kneasy, as you know my friends and I swear by it; magical 
so-called healing cannot be considered natural and spells are flying in 
the face of rational thought so far as we're concerned. We want healing 
to be as close to our body rhythms as possible and so we look to 
remedies from more primitive societies  rather than relying on 
artificial methods like casting spells. We believe that to be really 
effective medicine should be 'hands on', which is a more truly holistic 
method, giving comfort and care to both mind and body."

"Hm. You  certainly seem to be comforting your body, Gus. Half your 
face is covered with white strips - what's all that for?"

"It's a type of metamorphosis - you know - changing your appearance. 
It's possible to do it as many times as you like,  or at least  until 
you run out of skin. When these dressings come off I'll look just like 
Gilderoy Lockhart."

"I.....see...I  think. Why do you want to look like him?"

"He's always been my hero. And he said that he'd personally certified 
all the procedures, in fact he rescued many of them from obscurity.  
He's cured thousands of wizards with them! He wrote a book about it - 
"Ready Remedies - Healthy Healing the Lockhart Way!" And he only 
charges a nominal fee for the tablets he makes!"

"Tablets? What're they?"

"They're a sort of dehydrated compressed potion - end up about the size 
of the tip of a wand."

"So you take one and everything's fine, is that the idea?"

"They're wonderful!  Usually. Just a few minor snags to sort out."

"Snags?"

"Well, some patients are so used to taking potions by the 
goblet-full.... and tablets take  a bit longer to work.... so when a 
cure doesn't happen immediately....they take some more. Had one patient 
with constipation...  you don't want to hear about that. But the 
tablets worked! It's all a matter of education, that and bringing the 
mind and body into balance."

"Balance? So why did you fall over coming into the studio?"

"Ha, ha! Nothing to do with my current course of treatment, I assure 
you. Though I have been taking some tablets meant to help my Quidditch 
game, they're for Seekers -  called Beater Blockers."

"Really? Pity they haven't invented a Quaffle Blocker. I'd buy a few 
for our Keeper, he's bloody useless. Speaking of blood -  what's wrong 
with good old-fashioned dragon's blood anyway?"

"Intensive dragon farms. Each creature penned up in a space no more 
than 2 miles across, it's barbaric. Their wings stunt, their flames 
flicker and their scales drop off. They get stressed, not to say 
extremely pissed off, so the quality of the product is declining 
rapidly. Why, I've seen dragon's blood that was so weak it couldn't 
dissolve a Muggle!
The Healers at St Mungo's always try to dismiss our Arts, but they're 
just trying to hide the fact that their own potions are not to be 
trusted; the ingredients aren't always freshly gathered and sometimes 
their cauldrons are left on 'simmer' for days on end. There's no 
knowing where some of their  stuff comes from, could be any old rubbish 
in there.  But do  they listen? No. They have a vested interest in the 
status quo. Production-line medicine - treat the disease not the 
person. Same when you break a bone."

"You take tablets for that?"

"No, not tablets -  we insist on a cast. I can see that you're looking 
lost, so I'll explain. A cast is a rigid support  around the break...."

"I've seen them! So that's what they are! I thought the spell had gone 
wrong and the bone was growing on the outside! Well, I never! And all 
that writing on them is spells  to help healing, yes?"

"Er, no. Friends scribble on them for fun."

"Fun. I see. Strange people about.
Time for some more music.... we'll be right back after Mimosa Gerkhin 
and that touching ballad ' Still waiting for your Owl'."

[pause]

"Back with Augustus Pye and Alternative Medicine....Tell me Gussy, what 
do you do when something really serious happens? Surely then...."

"Oh no. We have an operation."

"Ah, singing! So you all chant...."

"You're confusing it with opera. This is a bit different  to that, 
Kneasy. We get cut open."

"Cut open? Merlin's Beard! What for? Surely not to let the evil spirits 
out, ha, ha,ha!"

"It's all part of that 'hands on' I told you about. Somebody, a trained 
person, naturally -  cuts you open and then fixes what's gone wrong and 
then ties you back together again."

"Urrk! You mean they put their hands....? No, no, be serious. That's 
disgusting! Besides, you'd bleed all over the floor!"

"Of course not! They suck it all up."

"Vampires!"

"No, no, they use a machine. Then the blood is replaced -  they take it 
from somebody else; about a jug-full"

"A jug-full? And they pour it into the hole in your whatever and tie 
you back together, do they? And this works? I find that hard to 
believe. Has anyone you know actually had this done to them? And didn't 
slosh around like a half-filled bladder?
Sounds like a joke to me."

"It is not a joke! It is a tried and tested healing method!  I've tried 
it on patients myself. Who knows what long-term damage might result  
from too many spells? We need more testing, more evaluation before 
magic can be considered safe. But do they listen? We have evidence 
about the terrible things that happen when spells go wrong. Piles of 
case parchments hidden away, the Hospital Pensieve hacked -  the 
patients have no idea, but then half of them are Obliviated!  to cover 
up the mistakes."

"Uh huh. This wouldn't have any bearing on the reason why you were 
sacked, would it?"

"Sacked? I wasn't  sacked! I resigned. Some red-haired harpy made 
slanderous accusations to the Chief Healer about  the treatment  her 
husband was getting. Some people have no gratitude. Naturally I packed 
my leeches and left. I'll  be opening my own clinic soon. You must pop 
round for a check-up."

"No  thanks. Call me old-fashioned, but you know where you are with the 
diced frog and moon-kissed ragwort  tea my granny makes.
Right; that brings us to the close - hope you enjoyed listening and 
this is Kneasy playing us out with Oblivia Newton-John and "I forgot to 
remember."