Filk: The Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts

[quigonginger]

No: HPFGUIDX 101779

If this posts twice, I apologize.  My computer fuzzed up as I was 
trying to send it.  I am trying to recreate it from memory.  This 
should be fun.

To the tune of the Yodeling Veteranarian of the Alps from the 
Veggietales series.

To CMC (I loved your last two filks- tremendous!)

The barbershop quartet, composed of Ron, Seamus, Dean and Neville 
serves as the narrator, singing from offstage.  Other scenes as noted.

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
There lived man whose daring deeds
Were literary quote.
His dashing style, and charming smile, 
Of which Weekly took note.

He took a job at Hogwarts school
Where Potter did attend.
He took the post (declined by most)
'Gainst the Dark Arts to defend.
Whoa, oh...

LOCKHART (in the classroom):
This is a spell used for freezing pixies.
They are from Cornwall
And electric blue.
But when I cast
This spell on the pixies,
They should be frozen
For a day or two.

Peskipixiepeskipixiepestermeno,
Peskipixiepeskipixiepesterno.
Peskipixiepeskipixiepestermeno,
Peskipixiepeskipixiepesterno.

HERMIONE: (to Harry)
He's quite a brilliant teacher.
No need to be so snide.
This is just a textbook lecture
With some practice on the side.

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
His helping reputation
Caused the teachers all to duck.
For anything that Lockhart touched
Would surely run amok.

Some would hide their cauldrons
While others held their hearts
In the vicinity of the 
Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts.
Whoa, oh.

HERMIONE:  
Good news on the pixies, Sir,
They're caged and glowing.

LOCKHART (on the Quidditch pitch):
This is a spell for your broken forearm.
It's hanging limply
And a bit askew.
But when I cast 
This spell on your forearm,
It will feel better
In a day or two.

Ulnaradiulnaradiulnaregrow,
Ulnaradiulnaradiulnagrow.
Ulnaradiulnaradiulnaregrow,
Ulnaradiulnaradiulnagrow.

HERMIONE:
It seems to have failed,
Just a little bitty.
Let's go and see the nurse,
Maybe Pomphrey will have pity.

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
His ego grew, with much ado,
Until that fateful day
When little Ginny Weasley 
Met a serpentine delay.

All gathered in the classroom
The professors pooled their smarts.
(Snape said)
Go play! Your way!
To the man who's the 
Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts.
Whoa, oh....

HARRY (in the tunnel):
Bad news on the monster, Sir,
We're much too late.
Six victims.
Next one could be you.

LOCKHART: 
This is a spell to remove your memory.
Obliviation is my forte true.
And when I cast 
This spell on your memory,
You won't remember
The last day or two.

Memomemomemomemomemorygo,
Memomemomemomemomem'rygo.
Memomemomemomemomemorygo,
Memomemomemomemomemr'ygo.

HARRY:
Oh, yeah, that sure did it.
We're good.

LOCKHART:
Meme, memo,
No, wait, this should work! meme, mememo...

QUARTET:
Hmm, mmm.
Now the moral of the story,
Was where Lockhart was waylaid:
When you mess with people's memories
Best make sure your wand's well made.

LOCKHART:

Meme, meme, mummy, mummy...

QUARTET:
Some would hide thier cauldrons
While some would hold their hearts
In the vicinity of the 
Dithering Defense Teacher of the Dark Arts.

Ginger, who had hoped to filk a Barry Manilow tune today, as it is 
his birthday, but was uninspired.
How do I know it's his birthday?  It's mine too!  Whee-hee!