FILK: Harry Potter Better Shut His Trap

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 93211

Song #6 from my CoS musical, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the 
Chamber

Harry Potter Better Shut His Trap (CoS, Chap. 1-2)

To the tune of Everybody Ought to Have a Maid, from Sondheim's A 
Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum 

A brief MIDI can be heard at:

http://www.bway2.com/tracks/forum/

Dedicated to Suzanne Chiles

THE SCENE: THE DURSLEYS make their dinner plans to entertain the 
Masons, plans which do not include HARRY

VERNON (spoken) 
I think we should run through the schedule one more time. We should 
all be in position at eight o'clock. Petunia, you will be -?

PETUNIA
In the lounge, waiting to welcome them graciously to our home.

VERNON
Good, good. And Dudley?

DUDLEY
I'll be waiting to open the door. "May I take your coats, Mr. and 
Mrs. Mason?"

PETUNIA (rapturously)
They'll love him! 

VERNON
Excellent, Dudley (turning to Harry). And you?

HARRY
I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending I'm not there
..

VERNON
Exactly
.

(music) Harry Potter better shut his trap

PETUNIA
Harry Potter better shut his trap

VERNON
Harry Potter better take a silent vow
Harry Potter will receive a violent pow
If uttering in our house.

Harry Potter better shut his trap

PETUNIA
Harry Potter better shut his trap

VERNON
Harry Potter better plan to take his ease,
Whilst I tell jokes of Japanese,
Stay quieter than a mouse!

THE DURSLEYS
Oh! Oh,
Truly you shall be chastened
If you annoy the Masons
Too right you will
Oh! oh,
Soon we will be charading
Telling lies, selling drills

VERNON
Harry Potter better shut his trap

PETUNIA
Harry better use of vocal chords suspend
He better prove he can pretend
He never lived in our house!

Hiding himself in his room
Sliding himself in shadows
Residing in the background
Delighting in obscure forms
Potter will make no sound `round us!

THE DURSLEYS
Oh! Oh,
Soon we'll in Majorca
Mingling with New Yorkas
In our chalet
Oh! oh,
Wouldn't it be majestic
Spanish nights, clannish days?
Harry Potter better shut his trap

VERNON
Harry Potter better shut his trap

PETUNIA
Harry Potter better shut his trap

VERNON
In this series, he may be eponymous
Tonight, he'll stay anonymous
Or he will hear us grouse

Hammering no loud habits
Clamoring no low comments
Grammaring no grimaces
Stammering no stray stories

VERNON & PETUNIA
Potter will make no sound
`Round us!

(Disconsolate and depressed, HARRY retreats to his room only to be 
met by DOBBY)

HARRY
An elf?

DOBBY
An elf.

HARRY
An elf.

BOTH
An elf!

DOBBY
Harry Potter better heed this elf
Harry ought to know that he's in dire straits
That he will meet a die-er's fate
Unless he stays in this house.

Oh! oh!
Think of me, a poor house-elf
I to your aid am unselfishly devote

Oh! oh!
Dobby is so delinquent
Knocking head . . .

(As DOBBY bangs his head, HARRY sees all the letters that the elf 
purloined from him)

HARRY
Blocking notes?

DOBBY
Harry Potter better heed this elf
Dauntingly detecting evil mischief this fall
You'd better plan a school withdrawal

HARRY
I'll never stay in this house!

DOBBY
Scattering down the stairway,

HARRY
Clattering to the kitchen,

DOBBY
Platter up to the ceiling

HARRY
Shattering all the pudding,

BOTH
Pudding is all around
The house.
The house.
The house.
The house!

(Exit DOBBY. Sounds of screams and people exiting the house from off-
stage. Enter VERNON & PETUNIA, deeply enraged, carrying a note from 
the Ministry of Magic) 

VERNON
An owl!

HARRY
An owl?

PETUNIA
An owl!

ALL THREE
An owl!

VERNON
Harry Potter just received an owl
With a memo saying he's expel-lible
For casting magic spells in full
View of Muggles in the house!

Oh! Oh!
Thanks to this owl from Hopkirk
Now you will have to stop work
On magic shouts
Oh! Oh!
Aren't you now in detention, 

PETUNIA
Locking in . . .

VERNON
Clocking out!

THE DURSLEYS
Harry Potter just received an owl
He's thinking that Muggles are so credulous
So won't he find it fabulous
His wand's forever doused?

VERNON
Exported from the anteroom,

PETUNIA
Deported from the living room,

VERNON
Athwarted from the dining room,

PETUNIA
Transported to his bedroom,

THE DURSLEYS
Potter'll never leave 
Our house,
Our house,
Our house,
Our house!
 
    -	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm