FILK: Welcome to Madam Rosemerta's

[Susan Miller]

No: HPFGUIDX 94094

This is the first installment of my Filked version of Cabaret, which 
I'm calling Cap Awry, for reasons which I hope become quickly clear.

This is the opening number where we are introduced to the characters 
by the Master of Ceremonies. The year is 1996 and the Wizard World is 
on the edge of war.

THE SCENE:

It's a noisy and crowded night at The Three Broomsticks. The lights 
dim. Conversation fades out as the crowd anticipates the floorshow. A 
spotlight comes up on stage on the Sorting Hat, looking sexually 
ambiguous in mascara, rouge and a bowtie. We are welcomed to the 
night's entertainment. The music comes up: 
http://www.hamienet.com/6846.mid

HAT/EMCEE:
(singing)
Welcome to Madam Rosemerta's
Hogsmeade's convivial alehouse
Wizard or beastie, being or ghoul
We're happy to see you! Grab an empty stool!
Welcome, feel free to get comfy
With loosened shoe and tie askew and cap awry!


(spoken, quickly)
Ghosts and guests, Gargoyles and gargals, 
Vampires and vamps, Good Evening! Good Morning! Good Day!
Are you happy? You will be! Take a load off! Relax!
I am your host for tonight's entertainment.

(singing)
I'm saying
Welcome, come join us, and untie -
Burnoose unloose, beret astray and cap awry!

(spoken)
Leave your troubles outside!
So - You-Know-Who's got you by the You-Know-What? Forget it!
We have no troubles here! Here, life is beautiful...
The girls are beautiful...
Even the orchestra is beautiful!

(Lights come up on a corner of the stage where the Giant Squid, in 
lipstick and garters, is playing a different instrument with every 
tentacle)

You see? I told you the orchestra was beautiful.
And now, presenting the Dark Arts Chorus!

(They come out one at a time, spotlighted and dressed provocatively)

Gilderoy! (Gilderoy is so called because of his guilty royalties!)

Quirrell! (Oh, you like Quirrell? Well, too bad! So does Gilderoy.)

Alastor! (You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say Alastor is 
acting a little "crouchy" these days. Just kidding.)

Dolores! (Yes, Dolores is from the government! Not to worry. She's 
only here to HELP you.)

Remus! (Oh, Remus, please, will you stop that! Alastor NEEDS that 
leg. Now give him back his other one. That's a good boy.)

And Snape! (Snape is the future. When he finally gets his chance to 
teach us all how to be very, very, very, very bad? That would be 
very, very, very, very, very good!)

Gilderoy, Quirrell, Alastor, Dolores, Remus and Snape.

Each and every one a qualified teacher! You don't believe me?
Well, don't take my word for it. Go ahead - ask Sibyll Trelawney!

Outside it is winter. But in here it's so hot.
Every night we have to battle with the girls to keep them from taking 
off all of their clothings.
So don't go away. Who knows? Tonight we may need all your help to 
make darn sure that Dolores keeps every stitch on!

DARK ARTS CHORUS:
We're saying
Welcome, come join us, and untie -
Burnoose unloose, beret astray and cap awry!

HAT/EMCEE:
We are here to serve you!
And now presenting the Death Eater Boys:
Here they are!

Crabbe! Goyle!
Or is it Goyle! and Crabbe ...
(You know, there's really only one way to tell the difference... I'll 
show you later.)

Avery. (Oh Avery, get up off your knees! That's for later!)

Rookwood (You know the funny thing about Rookwood? Well, I can get 
you a good price on some thongs, see me after the show.**) 

And finally, the toast of The Dark Side, Bellatrix!

BELLATRIX:
Hello, darlings!

(singing)
HAT/EMCEE:
Grab an empty stool!

ALL: 
Welcome, come join us, and untie -
(one of the Death Eater Boys, attempting to untie his shoes, trips 
over his own big feet and falls clumsily)

HAT/EMCEE (speaking over the singing):
That's Crabbe.

ALL:
Burnoose unloose, beret astray and cap awry!

We're saying
Welcome to Madam Rosemerta's
Hogsmeade's convivial alehouse

HAT/EMCEE (speaking):
Hello, stranger!

ALL:
Wizard or beastie, being or ghoul

HAT/EMCEE (speaking):
So ghoul to see you!

ALL:
We're happy to see you! Grab an empty stool!

Welcome to Madam Rosemerta's
Hogsmeade's convivial alehouse
Wizard or beastie, being or ghoul
We're happy to see you! Grab an empty stool!
Welcome, feel free to get comfy
With loosened shoe and tie askew and cap awry!

HAT/EMCEE (speaking):
Thank you!
Crabbe, Goyle, Avery, Rookwood, Gilderoy, Quirrell, Alastor, Dolores, 
Remus, Snape, Bellatrix and Me!

Welcome to the Three Broomsticks!!


** The Rookwood thongs were a wonderful artifact from TBAY, which is 
sadly unpopulated these days. Here is a great post that discusses the 
thongs in the wonderful, late lamented style that was TBAY: 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/message/61396.

~ Constance Vigilance

(PS, for those who, like me, loved TBAY, I suggest a visit to the 
Yahoo group Hogs_Head, where it continues in an abbreviated manner.)