FILK: Maim

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 113890

Maim (QTA, Chaps. 6-7)

To the title tune of Jerry Herman's musical Mame

The year 1473 saw the first ever World Quidditch Cup

the final 
between Transylvania and Flanders has gone down in history as the 
most violent of all time and many of the fouls then recorded had 
never been seen before – for instance, the transfiguration of a 
Chaser into a polecat, the attempted decapitation of a Keeper with a 
broadsword, and the release, from under the robes of the 
Transylvanian Captain, of a hundred blood-sucking vampire bats. 

     - Kennilworthy Whisp, Quidditch Through the Ages, Chapter 7 

THE TIME: The Year 1473. THE SCENE: The first World Quidditch Cup 
game. The Flanders and Transylvania Quidditch Teams trash-talk their 
way to 700 fouls.

ALL: 
We meet at the first World Quidditch Cup game
We from Flanders and Transylvania came
We say of our opponents 
That they are not guys of whom we're overfond 
Therefore a key component
Of our strategy will be to use our wands

FLANDERS QT:
We think the Transylvanians are quite lame

TRANSYLVANIA QT:
We cry those folks from Flanders are no-name

ALL:
Rules are made to be broken and to 
Break them all has now become our aim
Send forth the news by owl again,
We're going to disembowel again
Our team is going to foul and then maim.

FLANDERS BEATER
I made their Seeker's broom burst into flame

TRANSYLVANIAN KEEPER
Right at their Chasers I with an axe came

ALL:
The action's hot and heavy,
The referees are fleeing for their lives
As we unleash a bevy
Of nifty tricks involving clubs and knives

FLANDERS QT:
This makes the boulder games of old seem tame
We may play dirty but we're not to blame
We made that Keeper feller turn purple, then we turned him to a dame

TRANSYLVANIA QT:
You see what they are mucking at
Chasers changed to unlucky cats
So let's loose the blood-sucking bats
Maim!

A squad of Wizards from the Wizards Council fly in to interrupt the 
action

CHORUS OF WIZARDS COUNCIL WIZARDS:
Well, stop the game, dismount your brooms, there's been some brawling
here, we assume
With battery, bludgering, stabbing and strikes – shame!
Thanks to your rude and rowdy pact, we're going to read you the riot
act
You're in hotter water than any would like, shame!
So now you'll avail yourselves of our jail
Where criminal felons are flung 
Quite loud you'll be pleading when we start the bleeding
And having you hostages hung
Your soaring and zooming, your warring and brooming have put you in
the frying pan
When both your teams are sent to Azkaban!

BOTH QUIDDITCH TEAMS:
Our contest no one ever will defame
The Quidditch world will never be the same 
We'll curse, we'll swear, we'll bonk `em
And we'll smash `em on the head with picture frames
Our nostrils throb and palpitate
Our foes we shall decapitate
Our fans are in a happy state, 
Maim!

Instrumental bridge, as the two Quidditch teams unite to drive off 
the governmental interlopers with an increasingly formidable array of 
deadly medieval weaponry. After the last agent is dispatched, they 
unite in song.  

BOTH QUIDDITCH TEAMS:
We will be asking to axe Azkaban,  Azkaban,  Azkaban
..
(different vocal ranges repeat)
We've just held the first World Quidditch Cup game,
Flanders and Transylvania proclaim!
We had our wands a-wavin' and hexin' ev'ry person we opposed
There's so mis-behavin' that which team caught the Snitch is 
undisclosed.

This match will bring us glory and great fame
Luster will be attached to every name
Whoever thought that seven hundred fouls could be committed in one
game?
Not since the days of Camelot
Has magic mayhem been so hot
Now, is this one great game or what?
Maim! Maim! Maim! Maim!
Maim!

     -	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm