TBAY - a most intriguing PARADOX

[kkersey_austin]

No: HPFGUIDX 132894

Out on the bay, Elisabet grips the oars tightly as she attempts to
manuever a rowboat toward the shore. There, she can make out the dim
outline of the Royal George, where she hopes to take refuge from the
storm. The small craft and its lone occupant have so far been able to
ride the great swells, but the Hurricane is fast overtaking the
erratic progress of the storm-tossed boat.

Elisabet glances around the bay, hoping for a tow. Instead, she
catches sight of a scrap of parchment, blown across the prow of the
boat: "[132808] I think that Petunia is the witch that will gain
powers late in life...." With a desparate glance at the storm-darkened
sky, she whips out her wand. 

"Accio Vivian!"

"What the...! Where am I?!" A furious Vivian thumps down in the bottom
of the rowboat.

"Well, don't just sit there, grab an oar!" demands Elisabet. 

Vivian stays seated.

"Well, if you'd rather bail..." offers Elisabet, as she fishes out of
the water one of the many empty margarita glasses that apparently have
been washed overboard from one of the more comfortably appointed
vessals. "You know, I need all the help I can get to keep this thing
afloat." (Was that sneer on her companion's face directed at her boat,
or at the Rookwood Thong that that had become entangled on an oarlock?
Amazing, the things the storm had dredged up from the depths of the
Bay.) "Welcome aboard the Paradox! It's a most intriguing vessel, if I
do say so myself."

"Yeah, you do say so *yourself*. And, by the way, I did *not* say
*that* myself. Some nerve you've got, dragging me here against my will
and putting words into my mouth!" At this, Elisabet's ears pinken a
little.

"Well, it's not without precedent, I'm sure..." she mutters. Vivian
glowers. "Anyway, hear me out. The Paradox is a Petunia theory. You
might like it. OK, so it's a *little* light in the cannon
department..." By now, Vivian seems to have decided that a little
bailing might be in order, since she's not willing to go down with a
ship before she even knows what it is. She grabs the margarita glass
and starts scooping.

"Now," continues Elisabet, "you may remember I first proposed this
theory a while back, February 28th, actually.[2] The basic idea is
that that Petunia's birthday is on February 29th." She beams
trimphantly at Vivian.

"So what?" Vivian is now using the margarita glass to dislodge the
Rookwood thong trailing alongside the boat.

"So what? So, she's born on Leap Day! Which only happens every four
years - so it takes a bit of a while to work up to eleven birthdays.
Forty-four years, in fact. JKR said on her website that "everyone who
has shown magical ability before their eleventh birthday" will get
invited to Hogwarts. 'Eleventh Birthday.' She could have said 'before
they're eleven years old' but she chose to say, 'eleventh birthday'
instead."

"And that's *all* that's keeping this boat afloat?" asks Vivian with
alarm.

"Pretty much, yep. Don't stop bailing - or would you like to take an
oar? Anyway, back in February, Valky did some maths[4] which showed
that Petunia might be in the right age range. She also figured that,
presuming that the Lexicon timeline is correct, Petunia should have
had her birthday in 1996 - which is the year of the events of OOtP."

As she speaks, the occupants of the Paradox become aware of a great
shadow looming over them. Looking up, they see it is not a storm
cloud, but a great hulk of a ship. The words "BIG BANG DESTROYER" are
barely legible through the driving rain.

"Oh, I was afraid of this..." Elisabet admits. "On the one hand, it's
a great little plot twist. Gilbert and Sullivan thought so anyway. But
on the other, the action would happen off-screen, presumably while
Harry's at school."

"*Definitely* while Harry's at school, if Valky's math is right," put
in Vivian, who had stopped bailing to read the scroll.

"Right. Or in an epilogue to the story, if we wait for the next leap
day. Not much bang there, either way." 

"Well, I have always said that I think Petunia will be a late bloomer.
Just not *that* late." Vivian is scanning the side of the destroyer,
looking for a ladder? Surely she's not thinking of jumping ship!

"There's more to that JKR quote, too -" Elisabet says, trying to catch
Vivian's attention.

Vivian interrupts with a flick of her wand, and silvery letters begin
to form mid-air:  "...however, there is a character who does manage in
desperate circumstances to do magic quite late in life..."

"Is this what you are talking about?" she inquires. "Of course, I too
think that she's referring to Petunia. But you don't need a special
birthday to have a Magic!Petunia theory. By the way," Vivian
continues, glancing up at the Big Bang Destroyer, "when Petunia does
do that magic, it's got to bang!"

"Yes! Thank you - that's exactly the quote I was looking for. However,
I think we may already have seen Petunia do magic."

"If you're talking about how clean her kitchen is, that is easily
explained by her obsessive-compulsive behaviours," counters Vivian.
"She obviously has control issues. Besides, I don't think keeping your
kitchen faucet handles shiny exactly counts for 'desperate
circumstances'. Not to mention it being about as un-bangy as you could
get."

"No, actually I'm talking about her blowing up Aunt Marge." 

"That does it! Get me off of this boat! Harry blew up Aunt Marge, and
you know it!"

Elisabet tries to settle her down - "Sit down, Vivian! You're going to
capsize the boat!" Suddenly the ELKINS AVENGED pulls alongside. Faith
is leaning against the rail, calling out to Vivian, "You tell her,
girl!"

"Really though!" Elisabet goes on, "we assume it's Harry, of course,
even Harry assumes he did it. But he didn't do it on purpose; it was
the kind of uncontrolled, unconscious magic he did as a child, before
being trained at Hogwarts. How often do we see him doing that after he
started school? Hmmm? And besides, Petunia's got a great motive for
intervening at that point."

"You're not suggesting that Petunia is defending her sister's honor?"
a shocked Faith gasps.

"No, although Marge's remarks about Lily's gene pool are dangerously
close to condemning Petunia and Dudley, too, Marge's assurances to the
contrary aside... No, Petunia might be upset by what Marge is saying,
but that is nothing compared to what *Harry* is about to say. Think
about it. Harry is about to tell Marge how his parents died. Petunia
needs to stop that conversational topic - immediately. Desperate
Circumstances, anyone?"

"But wouldn't Petunia *know* whether she did the magic herself?" puts
in Vivian.

"Probably not. Harry didn't realize he was performing unconscious
magic those times he ended up on the roof or freed the boa
constrictor, for instance. Harry got blamed for magic that Dobby did
in the house, so we can take Fudge's word for it that Harry did it
this time either."

Faith gives a little wave - "Ok then, what about the wine glass?
Didn't Harry cause that to break?" 

"Well, maybe not. Think about what Marge was saying as that happened:
'If there's something wrong with the bitch, there'll be something
wrong with the pup -' If Petunia is worried about possibly being magic
herself, that might hit too close to home. Still," giving a nod to
Faith, "you're most likely right on that one."

"Hmmmm..." ponders Vivian, "Petunia has been spoiling and babying
Dudley his whole life - perhaps she is afraid that if he gets upset he
may show signs of becoming a wizard."

"She'd be even more reason to fear his being a wizard if she had any
reason to believe she might herself be magical. Not that the Paradox
needs her to know one way or another, before that letter from Hogwarts
arrives." Elisabet pats the side of the boat reassuringly.

"Say, what does 'Paradox' stand for, anyway? Petunia's Anniversary
Requires A Delayed Owl eXchange?" 

"Well, erm, it's not exactly an acronym, actually." Elisabet is rowing
hard now.

"Not an acronym! Is that even *allowed*? Oh, we'll be sunk for sure!"
Vivian is bailing furiously now. 

"Well, it's not without precedent." ("Seems that I've heard that
before," grumbles Vivian.) "It's a Literary Allusion. Pirates of
Penzance. Anyway, there are plenty of theories around here that are
not, strictly speaking, acronymized. The Narrative Ark. The Big Bang
Destroyer. The..."

"Those aren't even theories, they're modes of analysis!" interjects
Vivian.

Elisabet leaps out of the Paradox and begins securing her to a mooring
at the dock. 

"Wait a minute, where are you going?!" demands Vivian.

"I'm going to the Royal George. Come on, you don't think I'd try to
ride out a hurricane in that thing, do you? Come along then, hot
chocolates on me!" 

Elisabet, who hopes Vivian will not be too upset about being kidnapped
for this post.

[1] TBAY - Theory Bay. See the Fantastic Posts.
[2]http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/message/125349 
(And yes, I've changed my nickname since then. Too many Karens.) :-p
[3]http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/message/125370