Filk: Magichood March

[quigonginger]

No: HPFGUIDX 126281


This is based on Motherhood March from "Hello, Dolly".

If you haven't seen it, let me take a second to set you up on what 
happens during the song.  Barnaby and Cornelius are playing hookey 
from work, take a trip to New York and end up in a hat shop trying to 
evade their boss, Horace, who wanders in after them.  They hide.  The 
hat shop owner, Mrs. Malloy, her assistant Minnie, and Dolly are 
trying to help them escape by distracting Horace.  They sing a song 
consisting of patriotic-sounding non sequiters as they march him 
around the room.  None of it makes sense in the original either.

I took that idea and ran with it.

To CMC


The scene: OoP ch. 22
Harry and the Weasley children are in Dumbledore's office awaiting 
the portkey.  Fawkes' warning tells them that Umbridge is on her 
way.  Dumbledore says, "Minerva, go and head her off- tell her any 
story." 

Now, in a rare behind the scenes view, unauthorized, yea, undreampt 
of by JKR herself, we find out just how Minerva managed to hold the 
toadlady at bay.

Dashing down the steps, McGonnagal muttered bracingly to 
herself, "Tell her any story, but what?"

"Ah, Pamona, Filius," she gasped spying Sprout and Flitwick on the 
stairwell, "I need your help.  Umbridge is on her way to the 
Headmaster's office and we need to stop her."

"Stop her?" squeaked Flitwick.  "Surely she won't stand for..."

"Stand for what?" simpered Umbridge hefting her rotund form around a 
bend in the stairs.  

"Why," McGonnagal floundered, "Why, it's important to know what you 
stand for.  Why, I stand for... a lot of things...important things...
(cue music)..."
McGonnagal takes Umbridge by the arm, marches her around the landing 
a few times and back down the stairs as she sings:

McGonnagal:
I stand for magichood, the ministry and a good broom for orphans.
Take off you hat, ma'am, Dilys Derwent's ghost is passing.
Do you see him free the world of Grindlewald?
Near th' historic Queerditch Marsh?
If you see him with Ghouls Gadding down at Fortiscue's,
Stand up and march, march, march.

Sprout takes Umbridge by the other arm, leading her further down the 
stairs as the music vamps:

Sprout:
Has this not effected you, Ma'am?
I stand for magichood, the ministry and a good broom for orphans.
Lower your wand, ma'am, Kennilworthy Whisp is writing.
Do you see him sulking in the Shreiking Shack?
Near St. Mungo's entry arch?
If you see him playing Gobstones with the Giant Squid,
Stand up and march, march, march.

As the music again vamps, Flitwick takes his turn on Umbridge's arm.  
The ladies do a reprise of their verses as Flitwick sings a 
countermelody:

Flitwick:
Diagon, just go down to Diagon.
"I regret that I had but one Year with the Yeti."
In the words of Muldoon,
"Naught but a Goblin could ope' the door."
"Yes, dad, I can escape Azkaban!"

MM, PS, and FF:
If you see him chasing blooders in the Queerditch March.

Bertie, Bertie, Bertie Botts' beans!
Stand up and march, march, march.

MM:
Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

MM, PS, and FF: 
March, march, march.

PS:
Damn all the stunners, death's an adventure!

MM, PS, and FF:
March, march, march!

Umbridge finds herself in the Great Hall, and realizing she's been 
had, charges out and heads back to Dumbledore's office.

Ginger, noting that "vamp" in this case has nothing to do with Snape.
We won't ask what Sprout and Flitwick were doing up after hours.