FILK: Christmas Slugs

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 146692

Just a few weeks late......

Christmas Slugs (HBP, Chap. 15)

To the tune of Christmas Bells from the stage version of Rent

NOTE: I'm adding a CHORUS OF DWARVES (we'll just say that they're the 
same Dwarves Lockhart hired in Year Two) as part of the 
entertainment. The original song quotes a number of traditional 
Christmas Carols, so I'm having the Dwarves sing from The Very Harry 
Christmas page, singing filks by Melody & Pip, Eric Oppen and CMC

THE SCENE: Slughorn's Office, as his mega-Xmas bash gets underway.

CHORUS OF GUESTS 
Christmas party's starting
Christmas party's starting
Christmas party's starting
In Slughorn's - office

AN ELDERLY WARLOCK
Golden hangings, golden hangings
Golden hangings, golden hangings
Golden hangings, golden hangings

ALL 
What a night of festive cheer!
It's the A-list party of the year!

(Enter HARRY and LUNA

Here comes Harry 
She's with Harry
And Harry's bringing her as a precautionary 

(The CHORUS gazes in wonder at SLUGHORN'S lavish decorations)

What hangings!
What mandolins! 
What fairies! 
What pipe smoke!
What red lights
And lamps 
And
.

SOLO DWARF
"Rufus the lion-visaged"

CHORUS OF DWARVES
"Rufus the lion-visaged"

ALL
A room for our Sluggy Clubbings, right here
And Snape's beginning to sneer

SLUGHORN 
Eldred, I said

ELDRED WORPLE
Stay with me, Sanguini!

LUNA (pointing to SLUGHORN)
Tassled hat
 
ELDRED WORPLE (taking HARRY by the arm)
Let us chat

SLUGHORN (to House-elf)
Bring us five martinis 

(A fleet of house-elves, each bearing a heavy tray of savory food and 
drink, pours into the room)

CHORUS OF HOUSE-ELVES
Trays we're bearing 
Clothes not wearing 

ALL
A room for our Sluggy Clubbings, right here
And Snape's beginning to sneer

ELDRED WORPLE (to HARRY)
What about a book?
Just look at this -
We're craving to know all about you
If you're agreed,
Right away if we're speedy
We'll write of your rites
Between Right and Wrong
 
HARRY (turning away)
I don't want to do that

MCLAGGEN (crudely pawing HERMIONE) 
I'm so great at Quidditch 

TRELAWNEY (to herself, swigging down her sherry)
I do not deserve such treatment 

HERMIONE (overlap with below, as she pulls away from MCLAGGEN)
'Mac – `Mac
You are worse
Than Grawp 
Give me some way to slow
The ways you've touched me so

MCLAGGEN (overlap with above, as he continues to grope)
Hey—I've got great hands 
So say my fans 
Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

HERMIONE
Look there – Snape's beginning to sneer!

(McLAGGEN turns to look at the sneering SNAPE, enabling HERMIONE to 
remove herself from his presence)

TRELAWNEY (to HARRY)
I've said, "You're the One who's Chosen"
But still you're dropping out 
How I've wanted to
Put Dobbin out of sight! 

HARRY
Right!

TRELAWNEY/LUNA
But you/we dropped out!

SLUGHORN (suddenly interrupting)
But it's always the way 
Ev'ry teacher would say 
What we've taught we all thought 
That it ought to give the foremost delight

TRELAWNEY (to a passing house-elf)
Wait, wait, wait bring one glass of mead

HARRY (to LUNA)
Let's us feed – I'll get a plate
There's much food left so we need not speed

(SNAPE suddenly enters HARRY's field of vision)

Aack– it's him!

SLUGHORN
Sev'rus!

SNAPE 
Potter?

HARRY
Yikes!

LUNA (to HARRY)
Have no fear 

HARRY/SNAPE
Hey – Snape's/I'm beginning to sneer

CHORUS OF DWARVES 
"I'm dreaming of a Black Christmas"

SLUGHORN (throwing his arm around HARRY)
Just like his mum, just like his mum
With his potions, he makes `em hum
Just like his mum, just like his mum
Look at him, Snapey!

SNAPE
But he's dumb!

SANGUINI (to a group of giggling girls)
Got any Type A?

ELDRED (trying to pull him away)
Be cool

SANGUINI 
Got any Type 0?

ELDRED (trying to pull him away)
You fool!

SANGUINI
Got any B?
Double A?
Double O?

ELDRED (removing him from the group)
Just take a pasty, guy! 
Let us go! 

(HERMIONE finds herself before HARRY & LUNA)

HERMIONE
Hey

HARRY & LUNA 
Hey

HERMIONE (irritated)
Oh, that guy I'm with!
I should've taken Smith

HARRY
Forget that!

HERMIONE
I blew it!
I just did it due to Ron

HARRY
Why?

(A house-elf wanders by with several heavy platters)

HOUSE-ELF
Dinner platter?

SLUGHORN
Give me two 

HARRY
Don't talk to Ron of tryouts

HERMIONE
Is Quidditch all you think about?

SLUGHORN (to SNAPE) 
You couldn't say he's mediocre

SLUGHORN/SNAPE
He's going to be/He thinks he'll be a great Auror 

LUNA 
Those Aurors
Are horrors 
My father ripped their cover off
With Dark Arts, gum disease
Tear apart Ministries – we should know

HARRY & HERMIONE 
And Snape's beginning to sneer

McLAGGEN
This is luck, don't you know
Herm `neath mistletoe  

LUNA
Old Rotfang
And his gang 
Their evil cut-rate
Cunning

(Meanwhile, the WEIRD SISTERS have joined forces with the DWARVES, 
and prepare to harmonize together)

THE WEIRD SISTERS (to the CHORUS OF DWARVES)
Give us a C note.
Give us a D note.
Give us a B note.
What a technique!
Let's do some tracks!

ELDERLY WARLOCK 
Golden hangings 

(Enter ARGUS FILCH & DRACO MALFOY, the former dragging in the latter 
by the ear)

FILCH (to SLUGHORN)
Sir, this is Malfoy

DRACO (wrenching free)
Hi

FILCH
He was sneaking in here

HARRY (aside)
Ha, my old arch-rival!

FILCH
Let's make him bounce 

LUNA, HERMIONE & TRELAWNEY
Break fake snake 
 
SLUGHORN
Let him in! 

FILCH & DRACO
Without invite 

SLUGHORN 
I've Grandpa met

HARRY
Filch is a bitter one

FILCH
It's no fun

HARRY (gazing at DRACO)
He looks half-dead 

SLUGHORN (aside)
I'll still Malfoys shun!

DRACO (aside)
There's no relief!

ELDRED (pulling HARRY aside)
Let us still talk together
In interviews upcoming.

HARRY
Don't even bother
I'll not give one! 

(The following passages are sung simultaneously, climaxing in a 
glorious cacophony of counterpoint)

CHORUS OF STUDENT AND FACULTY GUESTS
Sluggy's Club is swinging
Sluggy's Club is ringing
Sluggy's Club is singing
What a scene! – Such cheer! 
Luna Lovegood lets you see
Each irate conspiracy
She's our Luna
Looney Luna 
She is longing to expose the Big Kahuna  
No Snorkacks 
No Heliopath
No Blibbering Humdinger 
No Nargles, no moonfrogs
Just loose nuts Quibbling over who conspires
Loose nuts Quibbling over who conspires
A room for our Sluggy Clubbings, right here

CHORUS OF DWARVES & THE WEIRD SISTERS
I'm dreaming of a Black Christmas
A family I've never known
Twinkle spells! Wrinkled elf!
Fa la la la fa la la la
It was the night Voldy became
Silent night Halloween night
Fall on your knees it's Voldy time
He'll do more crime

SANGUINI (flirting with a group of girls as ELDRED is otherwise 
occupied): 
Got any type A?
Got any type O?
Got any type B?
Even Brand X? Gack!
Vampire on fire!
Gotta lose my thirstiness!
AB for me
I'm like LeStat! I'm like LeStat!
I'm like LeStat!
Hemoglobin hemoglobin
Don't let it clot! Don't let it clot!
Any vein any B any hemoglobin joy
Any vein any B any hemoglobin joy
Got any Type A, got any Type O
Got any vein any B- any hemoglobin?

(ELDRED WORPLE & HARRY continue their "negotiations" over the 
former's proposed literary project, specifically the number of 
interviews to be conducted)

ELDRED
Four or five

HARRY 
Zero 

ELDRED
Four or five

HARRY 
Zero

ELDRED
Let's say
Three or four

HARRY 
Zero

ELDRED
Three or four

HARRY 
Zero

ELDRED
Well, OK
Two or three

HARRY 
Zero

ELDRED
Two or three

HARRY 
Zero
That's it! 

ELDRED
One or two

HARRY 
Zero

ELDRED
Only one

HARRY 
Zero

ELDRED
But the gold
.!

HARRY 
Zero

ELDRED
Zero
Shit!

(WORPLE walks away in disgust, removing SANGUINI from the gaggle of 
girls)

CHORUS OF DWARVES & THE WEIRD SISTERS
We
Sound 
Su- 
-Per hot when we're performing

MCLAGGEN
Where's Hermy? 

HARRY
Don't ask 

HERMIONE (aside, hiding under HARRY'S Invisibility Cloak)
He was all over me

DRACO (aside) 
I'll ace my plans yet
 
SNAPE (aside, gazing at DRACO) 
He needs a warning

(SNAPE regards DRACO with anger and – is it possible? – a bit of 
fear; HARRY notices the suspicious interaction between them)

SNAPE/HARRY (each, aside)
That/Those
One/Two  
Holds/Hold 
Some secret close 
I should learn it I should learn it
I should learn it I should learn it
I should learn it I



ALL
And Snape's beginning to
And Snape's beginning to
And Snape's beginning to
..

(Seated at the keyboard, one of THE WEIRD SISTERS  picks out the 
chords of the beloved holiday classic "The Twelve Magic Uses")

SNAPE (spoken):
I'd like a word with you, Draco

ALL

..Sneer!

(Exit SNAPE with DRACO in tow, closely followed by HARRY under his 
cloak)

    - CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm