FILK: Someone Up A Tree

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 163817

Someone Up A Tree (OOP, Chap. 24)

To the tune of Someone In a Tree, from Sondheim's Pacific Overtures 
(Sondheim once said that he thought this was the best song he ever 
wrote – I wouldn't rate it that high, but I still hope I've done it 
justice)

Here's a well-sung, poorly filmed performance 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0qlmuAvSp4


THE SCENE: During Occlumency lessons, SNAPE queries HARRY about a 
memory fragment

'Did you see everything I saw?' Harry asked, unsure whether he wanted 
to hear the answer.

'Flashes of it,' said Snape, his lip curling. `To whom did the dog 
belong?'

'My Aunt Marge,' Harry muttered.

SNAPE summons HARRY down into the Pensieve to explore this memory 
further. YOUNG!HARRY has just been chased up the tree by RIPPER, as 
THE DURSLEYS and AUNT MARGE look on in merriment  

SNAPE
Pardon me, what went on?

HARRY:
On the lawn?

SNAPE
At the Privet house.

HARRY:
At the Privet house?

SNAPE:
There was a dog 

It was whose?

HARRY:
Auntie Marge

SNAPE (looking at Marge):
Awful large

HARRY:
Very overweight
And there were trees on their estate
May I show you?

SNAPE:
Call me "sir"!

HARRY:
There were trees
Then, everywhere.

SNAPE:
Please call me "sir"!

HARRY:
And there's that cur!
Let me show you. 
SNAPE:
Manners, please.

HARRY:
I was younger then 

Ripper had me climbing trees 

I was younger then 

Blamed for everything! 

I was hounded all the time 

I had also walls to climb 

I was younger then 

Blamed for everything! 

I on Ripper's tail tread
Then he chased me and I fled
I was someone up a tree!
I was younger then!

DURSLEYS (to Ripper):
Give him third degree!

YOUNG!HARRY
I am up a tree.
I am nine.
I am up a tree.

HARRY (to Snape):
Must we linger then?

MARGE: 
Underbred and weak, that I see —
Grief to your fam'ly.
Let me have more wine.

HARRY:
I see Marge and Vernon
Mercy they are spurnin'.

MARGE
This should give him a good scare!

BOTH HARRYS:
Blamed for everything!

SNAPE
You were someone up a tree.

DUDLEY
Filling me with glee!

SNAPE
Some of them have wine in their cups.

YOUNG!HARRY
One of them drinks wine.
She's the meanest, then.

SNAPE (looking at Dudley):
Someone waddles `round, passing gas —

YOUNG!HARRY:
Someone very dim —

HARRY:
He is also nine.

DURSLEYS
And there's someone up a tree —

MARGE:
—So our day is now complete.

DURSLEYS & MARGE
Without someone up a tree,
Nothing funny here.

YOUNG!HARRY:
I am hiding up a tree.

HARRY:
They would mock me every day.

MARGE (to Vernon):
Mean and runty, I must say
That boy's sure to go astray

MARGE & VERNON
You/We must be severe

HARRY:
I was there then.

YOUNG!HARRY:
I am here still.
They would foment every day.

SNAPE
It's young Potter, out to sea.

YOUNG!HARRY, HARRY & SNAPE
It is Ripper and the tree 
It's how Dudley laughs and beams
It's Marge pouring out more wine
At the Privet house,
Someone up a tree.

RIPPER
Guardin' dog, I am here —
With my fleas, they are also here —

MARGE:
I kept drinking cups of wine.

RIPPER
I was sleeping on the floor.

MARGE:
I drank many cups of wine
(No, was it five or only four?)

RIPPER:
With my fleas, I am here.

HARRY:
You are where?

RIPPER:
In the Privet House.

HARRY:
In the Privet House?

RIPPER:
At Harry's rear.

HARRY:
Can you hear?

RIPPER:
I'm below.

YOUNG!HARRY:
So I notice.

RIPPER:
Sleeping on the floor,
He then on my tail trod
I must get him,
For he on my tail trod.

SNAPE:
But did you growl?

RIPPER:
Yes, I did growl.
Don't you listen?

HARRY:
Jeez Louise.

RIPPER:
I can hear him now 

I can hear his knocking knees 

I did chase him now 

I'd chase anything 

I'm the dog who's underneath,
As I simmer and I seethe
You can hear me now 

One is up a tree 

On my hind legs see me rear
I'm what Potter truly fears.
As I show off all my teeth
You can hear me growl!

DURSLEYS & MARGE
Show us how you growl!

RIPPER:
First I give a yip and a yap
Then I start to bark

Then I sniff a bit 

Many times I hike with my leg
As my jawbones snap
As I go at it 


DURSLEYS & MARGE
We hear Ripper grunting 

Angry growls 
 He's hunting

He can hear him, see him glare
As he goes at it.
He's a bulldog with some teeth 

YOUNG!HARRY
Someone shifts his weight
On a limb

DUDLEY:
Someone tells a joke.

PETUNIA:
Ripper wants a bite.

MARGE:
Someone stays up late.

VERNON (indicating Young!Harry):
Namely, him.

YOUNG!HARRY
I'm still up the oak.

ALL
Then we/they go at it:

YOUNG!HARRY: Call him off!
VERNON: Serves you right! 
PETUNIA: But she won't 

MARGE: And you know it!
YOUNG!HARRY:  This is wrong
.
PETUNIA:  That's alright!
DUDLEY: Now the line
.
MARGE:  You will toe it

HARRY (simultaneously with Snape and Marge below):
And I'm stuck
In the tree
And I'm stuck
Here with Snapey
A-
-Gain

SNAPE (simultaneously with Harry and Marge)::
You must clear
It!

Of the  
Feelings that be-
-Tray

MARGE (simultaneously with Harry and Snape above):
And he
Sits 
And he shakes
And I drink
Juice that grapey

HARRY/SNAPE
It's a 
Spent reali-
-Ty
That I/you
Apprehensive-
-Ly
In the 
Pensieve see

ALL
It's the foment and the aunt.
It's a Privet-driven theme.
It is Ripper and the tree 
That bought Snapey here.
It's Marge going to extremes
It's two years before The Stone
It's Occlumency 
And memory
And someone up a tree.

   -	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm