[TBAY] My DH predictions

[or.phan_ann]

No: HPFGUIDX 171521

Faith glances out of the window, returns to her work, then looks back 
sharply. Is that a new ship she sees down by the harbour? It does 
look a little strange. Then she recognises the person standing on it, 
apparently ordering someone around, and storms out after her.

By the time she gets to the ship, George is already there, trading 
insults with Ann. `I told you I was going paddling!' she 
shouts. `Didn't it cross your mind I might want to climb aboard some 
of those old ships?'

`You were shelling my pub with the Big Bang!' he retorts. `And now 
you're stealing supplies!'

`I have a Theorists' Licence! If I need to requisition supplies, I 
can!' She waves it in his face.

`You don't!' scoffs Faith. `You need the harbourmaster's signature 
for one of those.'

Ann smirks. `The post was vacant, what with the Bay being virtually 
abandoned. I filled it myself. If you've got a problem with that, 
take it up with the Elves. Until then, I've got a perfect right to 
launch a ship and take all the supplies I need.' 
  
As she says this, Avery emerges from the George carrying a crate of 
L.O.L.L.I.P.O.P.S. and stows them in the ship. Ann checks a list and 
orders him to fetch some pots of C.R.A.B.C.U.S.T.A.R.D. `Well? 
Nothing to say?' 
  
`Where did you get *him* from?' asks George.
 
`He'd been hiding in the woods since about Message 78500, and I 
thought he might appreciate having a little work to do. Now, the 
rules are quite clear, aren't they? I'm perfectly able to take this 
ship out, and there's nothing you can do about it.'

`Not quite,' says Faith, thinking fast. `If your ship isn't 
seaworthy, we can impound it on security grounds.'

`And break it up with the G.A.R.B.A.G.E. S.C.O.W.,' sneers Ann. `Come 
aboard, then.' But it's an impasse. She doesn't want her ship 
inspected any more than Faith wants to step aboard, and their mutual 
reluctance is justified, for this is one of the least seaworthy 
vessels ever seen on the Bay, a catamaran reduced to little more than 
two hulls crammed with junk and the occasional canon, barely 
supporting the weight of a huge S.I.E.G.E. C.A.T.A.P.U.L.T.

`Suppose we begin with the form,' says Faith, playing for 
time. `Captain, Ann. She's a prediction, so crew of one. Name of 
ship? Not the Mary Rose, by any chance?'

Ann sniffs. `Her name's N.O.S.T.A.L.G.I.A. It's an acronym. "Not Only 
Silly but Totally Against Likely Goings-on In Canon". Like it?'
 
`Am I supposed to read something into that?' asked George.

`Modesty,' Ann suggests. `Well? Why don't the pair of you come 
aboard?'

`Because it's unsafe,' mutters Faith, but they do anyway, the ship 
listing dangerously. 

`Take a seat,' offers Ann, climbing onto the catapult and off to the 
other hull. Somehow, she has managed to cram two M.A.T.C.H.I.N.G. 
A.R.M.C.H.A.I.R.S. into it. Faith shrieks.

`It's a memory charm theory,' she squeals, `It's a memory charm, get 
me off get me off
 oh, Ann, how could you do this to me
' She hops 
ashore and George stands, ready to join her, though he has always 
been more tolerant of theories that lack canon.

`Relax!' says Ann, `I'm not stupid – well, maybe I am, but that's 
just around for decoration, honest. Come on. I'll throw them 
overboard if you like.'

Thus reassured, Faith hops aboard once more and crouches on the edge 
of one. `So. Your predictions,' she demands, in a voice like very 
nervous ice.

Ann heaves what looks like a telephone directory in at them, bungles 
the throw, and drops it in the Bay. `Whoops. Well, most of that was 
rather dull; I wasn't going to bore you. Here's the exciting stuff.'

`Suppose you explain the S.I.E.G.E. C.A.T.A.P.U.L.T. first,' 
interrupts George.

Ann nods. `That's another acronym; it stands for Sudden Irruption of 
Exciting Good vs. Evil Climax Attributed To Actions Planned 
Unobtrusively and Laid Tirelessly. The idea is basically that the 
series is as one long book, and like each of the individual novels 
it's had a long period of not much happening while clues gather. Now 
Harry's been catapulted into action, he'll start calling the shots, 
things will be explained, we'll work out what's really been going on 
all this time, and so on.'

`Hardly controversial,' says George, and she blushes, `But I really 
think you're overemphasising it.'

`It's my ship. Now, for my first prediction,' (and she pulls a 
F.E.A.T.H.E.R.B.O.A. from one sleeve), `This book's going to be an 
absolute abattoir! The deaths have been getting worse throughout the 
series.' She points at several large canons labeled with things 
like "Remember Cedric Diggory" and "Snape Kills Dumbledore", not 
quite balancing each other out. `I'm betting on Kreacher, Percy, poor 
lad, Voldemort, and Harry (although he'll return) in particular. Plus 
hordes of Death Eaters, Phoenixes, and innocent bystanders. If 
anything Nice happens it'll be either at the wedding' – she gestures 
at a canon with a flower down its barrel – `or the very end. 
Actually, what if things turn bad at the wedding? I think either 
that'll be the first chapter or Voldemort plotting something. And I 
think he's Up to Something Big, but the Muggle and Wizarding Worlds 
will ultimately remain separate.'

George nods. `Sounds fair enough. You think Harry'll come back?'

Ann nods. `Voldemort'll zap him through the Veil, killing himself, 
Sirius and his parents will help him back. But lots of people are 
predicting that!' She reaches for three tiny canons, one of them 
transparent. `Aberforth Dumbledore is Albus' brother and so very old. 
He's also a Phoenix and we don't know much about him.' (This is the 
canon of omission.) `Therefore, he will be the next head of the Order 
of the Phoenix.'

Faith sighs. George shakes his head and makes a small note. 

`Oh, come on! It's not that bad
 the line about his being illiterate 
was probably a joke! And I also think he's got the Locket and will 
use it to show Harry how to de-Horcrux something.' She points at 
something white in the other hull. `See that M.A.G.I.C. 
D.I.S.H.W.A.S.H.E.R.? I rescued it from the Safe House, and it still 
works fine – I even took out the "Dumbledore let Pettigrew escape in 
PoA" and it works perfectly. Stow that C.R.A.B.C.U.S.T.A.R.D. by the 
yellow flags, Avery. Where was I?'

`You were extolling the virtues of your M.A.G.I.C. 
D.I.S.H.W.A.S.H.E.R.,' George reminded her.

`Oh, yes! There'll be plenty of Phoenixes hunting Horcruxes, which 
will be just as well because Harry'll ignore them and be after Snape, 
demonstrating his remarkable talent for ignoring the main plot. And 
there are between two and four Horcruxes to find, so that'll stop the 
main plot being repetitive, too.'

`That contradicts S.I.E.G.E. C.A.T.A.P.U.L.T., doesn't it?' asks 
Faith, peeking down to see if they're sinking already.

`Oh no,' says Ann blithely, `Snape's loyalties are crucial now
 JKR 
told Salman Rushdie so! It fits his character and advances the plot! 
Particularly because the Snape reunion will explain tons of stuff 
about the Marauders and Lily and the Prank and so on. 
L.O.L.L.I.P.O.P., anyone?'
 
`No thanks,' says George. `Doesn't the back of the UK childrens' 
edition cover imply that Harry will be alone?' He reads:
 
> He must leave the warmth, safety, and companionship of The Burrow  
> and follow without fear or hesitation the inexorable path laid out 
> for him.

Ann wriggles uncomfortably. `That's just an implication
 based on 
that, though, I think the Burrow'll be more important than Number 
Twelve. The Weasleys are "blood traitors", Muggle-lovers, and known 
Phoenixes – they must have some serious magical protection on the 
Burrow. Oh yeah, and Dragons might be able to de-Horcrux things, a la 
The Lord of the Rings
 Speaking of which, Nazgûl, I mean Dementors, 
will be crucial!'

Faith docks a point gleefully.

`And they'll have some connection to Boggarts. Worst memories and 
greatest fears have something in common, don't you think? And 
Dementors' reliving-a-memory schtick is rather like the way Boggarts 
appear differently to everyone, *and* the Mirror of Erised.'

`You think the Mirror of Erised's a Dementor?' asks George, confused.

`Next best thing,' says Ann. `Oh, and the epilogue will end with the 
Dursleys, making a nice symmetry. It'll only go about ten or twenty 
years into the future, rather than the ends of the characters' 
natural lives, and be solid information rather than two characters 
reminiscing.'

`Anything a little less abstruse?' asks Faith. `That other people 
might be interested in?'

`Nope,' grins Ann. `Wouldn't want to waste your time! I expect 
hundreds of people are telling you they think Neville will end up as 
a teacher. Anyway, all that went in the Bay. So, did I pass?'

Faith coughs diplomatically. `It's a rather unusual craft, Ann.'

`It's a catamaran. It has dignity. Imperioed!Arthur Weasley was one, 
too.'

`Dignity, but not much canon,' mutters Faith, and they pause a 
moment, considering all the wrecks littering the Bay. `Ann, we 
haven't passed you yet,' warns Faith. `Setting out in this weather 
really isn't a good idea.' She points at the hurricane warning flag.

`Oh, I know,' grins Ann. `But what else can I do? It's my last chance 
to make predictions. Everyone else is doing it! Well, not on the Bay, 
but... come on, Faith. Wouldn't it be unsporting not to give everyone 
a chance to laugh at what I get wrong when the Last Canon is fired?'

They all turn around to look at it, the fattest of the seven canon 
ranged above the Bay. Rumour says that, just as the sound of the 
First Canon had created the Bay, the Last will destroy it, or perhaps 
replace it with a perfect version of itself in some ideal realm. None 
of them are keen on finding out the hard way. The eruption when the 
Fifth was fired was enough to last George the rest of his life. They 
glance up at the sky, seeing the stormclouds gather. Suddenly, a man 
pops up from the far end of the catapult, where he has been 
tightening screws.
 
`All ready now, Ann,' he says.

`George!' says Faith. `You didn't tell me you had a twin brother!'

George frowns. `I don't talk about it much,' he said. `We're, ah, not 
on speaking terms.'

`Faith,' says Ann, `this is Fred, he designed the Canon Museum and 
he's been helping me with the catapult, too. We're ready to put the 
last piece in place.'

She climbs over to Fred and the pair of them lift a large, herbal-
smelling package along the catapult and into its sling. Curiousity 
piqued, Faith climbs up to peer inside. There, blissfully ignorant, 
lies Stoned!Harry, trussed up like a turkey.

Ann

For further explanation of the acronyms and theories in this post, 
visit Hypothetic Alley at http://www.i2k.com/~svderark/lexicon/faq/ 
and Inish Alley at 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/database?
method=reportRows&tbl=13

Avery was a frequent visitor to the Bay back in the days, and can be 
seen about to run away in Message 78500.

Imperioed!Arthur Weasley is proposed in Message 40168 and can be seen 
as a catamaran in Message 45386.

Fred is new, as mentioned by myself in Message 170960.