Lupin and Tonks - What about the baby?

[ronnie]

No: HPFGUIDX 173337

---In HPforGrownups at yahoogroups.com, 

Maeg wrote:

"Regardless, it kinda disgusted me that JKR praised the orphaning of
another child. But with two parents like that (both too self-absorbed
to be good parents), he's probably better off without them". 

va32h wrote:

> Oh I wholeheartedly agree. I find Tonks' behavior both disgusting 
and 
> deplorable. 
...
> Tonks' loyalty is to Lupin first and Lupin only - quite honestly, 
her 
> son is better off without her, as I doubt Tonks would ever love him 
> as much as she loved her dead husband's memory. 

Ronnie:

I completely and totally disagree! and also am quite offended by 
these sayings, as I really identify with the Lupins. 
Remus is probably my favorite character, and not everything Snape 
says is true: Lupin is not weak! As a matter of fact, he is one of 
the strongest, most honest and deep men in the books. (his only 
mistake is marrying Tonks instead of me... ;)). 
I don't know what background you have on wars, but being Israeli, 
unfortunately war is not at all foreign to me. And DH war obviously 
resembles a much more frightening war such as WW2 (in contrast to 
our "minor" but deathly middle east situations). 
In war, the very world in which you raise your child, the very world 
in which you live in, your everyday habits, your day to day life, is 
endangered. There is absolutely no way not to feel panicky about it. 
Whether you're an idealist or not, you can't help but wanting to give 
whatever it is you got to protect your world. 
Tonks defending "the cause" is not contrasted to defending her son. 
On the contrary: defending your cause is momentarily identical to 
defending your loved ones. It's a "fight of flight" situation, and 
for the sake of your children, as Remus says, you have to go out 
there and fight the enemy. Tonks goes out because her beloved husband 
is in danger, but also because she is a Lioness Auror, who is going 
out after the vultures inorder to defend her cub (unlike LV, I'm 
using this word with deep sympathy). 

Also, I really oppose the idea of having to choose loving your spouse 
or your child. First of all, these are different sorts of love. 
Moreover, a person who is capable of deep love, will love both. 
(Sometimes perferring strongly one family member over the other is 
sickly obsession disguised as love).

I was shocked and devastated when JKR killed Remus (and Tonks). You 
can imagine the tears I shed over Remus' death. Just look and my 
nickname - Remus taught all of us the expectopatronum, which is 
probably the most important and deep spells of them all. I was also 
at first quite upset by the 'BTW fashion' she announced their death. 
However, while still mourning them, I'm a little bit more composed 
now, and I believe that reporting the Lupins death, JKR was 
piercingly  accurate on what actually happens in wartime. Things like 
the Lupins death-report are happening all the time, and you don't get 
to have the satisfaction of knowing exactly what happened on every 
single death, meaningfull as it may be. I think that besides my 
likings to Remus, the Lupins death may have been the most emotionally 
arousing percisely because of the way it was reported to us. 

Also, I hate the "Remus is a self obsorbed coward" attitude, in some 
of the messages in this thread. Imagine having a terrible and 
dangerous illness, like bouts of insanity or schizophrenia (mind you, 
schizophrenics are usually less violent than the general population, 
and still they are feared and shunned). It is not only natural, but 
ethical and noble of him, to be unsure of whether he wants to live 
his life as fully as possible (i.e. marrying and having children) or 
not. It is a very brave decision IMO, under these werewolfish 
circumstances, to build a home and family, and not to contend in a 
partial non-satisfying life. Remus needed time and support (Harry's 
and Mrs. Weasley's, for example) inorder to make this brave decision, 
and I admire him for it. 

The last point I'd like to make on this subject, is that some of the 
writers in this thread used the dreadfull, judgemental and hatefull 
words, that the baby Teddy might be better off without one or both of 
his parents. This is a terrible statement IMO. I believe that 
children are better off with their parents in all but extreme 
cases.As Harry says to Lupin, parents should not leave their children 
for their children's sake. Even a parent with a monthly risk for an 
psychotic-like episode, must remain and care for his child. 

Most people are fit to be parents, even though all have their faults. 
The famous Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, states that 'a perfect 
mother is not good enough', meaning that a parent's fault is 
necessary and helpfull to the mental growth of her child. Being a 
fine mother and father, Dora and Remus need only be "good enough", 
but not perfect. Sometimes, the mother cannot attend her child, and 
at desperate times, sometimes a good enough mother, not being 
omnipotent and able to divide herself to all that is necessary, might 
decide that leaving her child with the caring grandmother is the best 
that could be done. 

Ronnie, 
Who besides all these points, just can't get over Remus and others 
deaths.  

good enough mother